Spell it out
I so badly want to lay down everything that i have felt/dealt with/ learned/ experienced in the last long time so i am going to try to force myself.
Let's just get this off my chest. I am scared to date. I am scared of falling in and out of love with people. I am really good at not getting myself involved with guys because all you see is pain in this world. I dont want to start something that is going to end in pain so i just stay light with people. Sleep with people here and there but thats about it. Ha. That's not to much pain. I really think as much as it's okay and i can push past it because it was just a fling or whatever, it caused pain as well. I will admit that here. Only here though.
So, in reality, either way pain is inevitable. I think it was always easy for me to let someone go if i was the one forcing it. For example, 9 out of 10 times (However, people would fight that it is 10 out of 10) when I like a guy, at first things are good, blah and then when we start showing similar interest of being together I start bringing out everything bad about them. I hold nothing sacred at this time. I will bring up somehting you said, something you wore, maybe your hair isnt the right color. Anything I can find to be like, welp, oh well. I love and hate this. I do it without even thinking anymore. I completely hate it, but it's my guard. I have the most ridiculous and incredible guards around me. it's pretty scary.
I am growing up. I never thought that i would want to be married and all that. I told people that this might change when i found someone. I found someone that i wanted to spend time with and made me extremely happy and I just felt like things were just right. From day one of us being together, everything just felt amazing. Remind you, this is the first time that i actually felt this way about someone. So things DID change. I wouldnt say that he was my boyfriend because i dont know what that means remember? But he said something like " my dad said ' your girlfriend' lives in federal way" i was confused but i guess he was talking about me. So, in some way, i guess we were a little bit more than nothing. So, things were great. We would hang out and it was really nice and easy. Not super deep. Just nice and light. We took things really slow. We did a whole lot of things in those 3 weeks that I would of never imagined. I met and hung out with his friends and he did the same with mine. we got along. i had really high hopes for being friends with this guy for a long time. I don't know. I guess this was all just some sort of thing. But again, I was happy. I don't know. We just had a good connection. Or i thought we did. I don't really know. Of course as all things are, it wasnt that easy. It was not just the 2 of us enjoying each other. It had to have a little drama mixed it. It always does. Why do i entice people to bring their drama?
I dont understand the whole situation. I should because I was in it but there is only one person who actually gets the drama. The one causing it. Jealous ex girlfriend? not really. Really good friend to both of us whom set us up? Absolutely. I do not even get it. I really wish that i did not even have to take part in this drama. SO, shes upset and doesnt want to talk to me anymore, even though, she told me everything was fine. Okay, fine. But then doesnt get the results she wants from ignoring that she starts personally attacking us and trying to get attention some how. Telling friends things and call us names. good fucking lord. This doesnt go over well and he cant have it anymore. Since 'US' is the problem, 'Us' cannot be. Well, awesome. Shattered me just a little bit.
I was so prepared for this in the beginning. I liked him and I did not want anything to break what we had so I had these hyperventilations each day that this would happen. After a few weeks I finally calm down and can see that we like each other, drama doesn't matter and we are just going to do what we want to do. I let this happen. As soon as I let him completely in, this is when she decides it's time for us to be apart. I know I should just trust my gut and not my heart. I really wanted this to be okay. It's not. He wanted to be friends but now does not talk to me. That's fine too. I want my movie back. I am taking a lot longer than some to get over this. At first, I did not want to move on because I felt he'd come back. I think it was just easier for both of us to just move on. Not wait around like we originally talked about. Again, this is fine. He is just a person trying to deal with some bullshit a friend dished. Fine, I want my movie. And I want my money from her.
So, anyone new almost seems to be out of the question. I am trying pretty hard to actually just keep this guard down and tell myself this is part of life. There is someone else. As much as I want to I don't want to move on. I am trying though. He seems much more mature and interested in me other than sex. He told me tonight " I really like you, not just because I think you are really cute, but also because you seem intelligent, fun, .." there were a couple other things. I just don't know. I don't think I am leading him on and I think I am interested in him as well, just chicken as always.
I always use sex as a tool. I want to have sex with this other guy because I want to know how I feel. I have done this all to often. I did this as a guard before. I slept with someone else when I thought he was breaking up with me the first time. Sorry, I know how that sounds but it's what I do/did. I am really trying to give up dealing with these boys situations. That is not fair though. I am some where in between right now.
I was happy. When people ask me how I am, I want to tell em how happy I am because thats what I remember.. is that happiness. So, maybe I dont really need him to be happy. Maybe, I really am and would be happy if I just got over this. I am writing it out in hopes to loose a little bit of that closure that was needed. I will never get it anyway.
So, here is this now, for everyone to see.
I will keep working on telling all
Let's just get this off my chest. I am scared to date. I am scared of falling in and out of love with people. I am really good at not getting myself involved with guys because all you see is pain in this world. I dont want to start something that is going to end in pain so i just stay light with people. Sleep with people here and there but thats about it. Ha. That's not to much pain. I really think as much as it's okay and i can push past it because it was just a fling or whatever, it caused pain as well. I will admit that here. Only here though.
So, in reality, either way pain is inevitable. I think it was always easy for me to let someone go if i was the one forcing it. For example, 9 out of 10 times (However, people would fight that it is 10 out of 10) when I like a guy, at first things are good, blah and then when we start showing similar interest of being together I start bringing out everything bad about them. I hold nothing sacred at this time. I will bring up somehting you said, something you wore, maybe your hair isnt the right color. Anything I can find to be like, welp, oh well. I love and hate this. I do it without even thinking anymore. I completely hate it, but it's my guard. I have the most ridiculous and incredible guards around me. it's pretty scary.
I am growing up. I never thought that i would want to be married and all that. I told people that this might change when i found someone. I found someone that i wanted to spend time with and made me extremely happy and I just felt like things were just right. From day one of us being together, everything just felt amazing. Remind you, this is the first time that i actually felt this way about someone. So things DID change. I wouldnt say that he was my boyfriend because i dont know what that means remember? But he said something like " my dad said ' your girlfriend' lives in federal way" i was confused but i guess he was talking about me. So, in some way, i guess we were a little bit more than nothing. So, things were great. We would hang out and it was really nice and easy. Not super deep. Just nice and light. We took things really slow. We did a whole lot of things in those 3 weeks that I would of never imagined. I met and hung out with his friends and he did the same with mine. we got along. i had really high hopes for being friends with this guy for a long time. I don't know. I guess this was all just some sort of thing. But again, I was happy. I don't know. We just had a good connection. Or i thought we did. I don't really know. Of course as all things are, it wasnt that easy. It was not just the 2 of us enjoying each other. It had to have a little drama mixed it. It always does. Why do i entice people to bring their drama?
I dont understand the whole situation. I should because I was in it but there is only one person who actually gets the drama. The one causing it. Jealous ex girlfriend? not really. Really good friend to both of us whom set us up? Absolutely. I do not even get it. I really wish that i did not even have to take part in this drama. SO, shes upset and doesnt want to talk to me anymore, even though, she told me everything was fine. Okay, fine. But then doesnt get the results she wants from ignoring that she starts personally attacking us and trying to get attention some how. Telling friends things and call us names. good fucking lord. This doesnt go over well and he cant have it anymore. Since 'US' is the problem, 'Us' cannot be. Well, awesome. Shattered me just a little bit.
I was so prepared for this in the beginning. I liked him and I did not want anything to break what we had so I had these hyperventilations each day that this would happen. After a few weeks I finally calm down and can see that we like each other, drama doesn't matter and we are just going to do what we want to do. I let this happen. As soon as I let him completely in, this is when she decides it's time for us to be apart. I know I should just trust my gut and not my heart. I really wanted this to be okay. It's not. He wanted to be friends but now does not talk to me. That's fine too. I want my movie back. I am taking a lot longer than some to get over this. At first, I did not want to move on because I felt he'd come back. I think it was just easier for both of us to just move on. Not wait around like we originally talked about. Again, this is fine. He is just a person trying to deal with some bullshit a friend dished. Fine, I want my movie. And I want my money from her.
So, anyone new almost seems to be out of the question. I am trying pretty hard to actually just keep this guard down and tell myself this is part of life. There is someone else. As much as I want to I don't want to move on. I am trying though. He seems much more mature and interested in me other than sex. He told me tonight " I really like you, not just because I think you are really cute, but also because you seem intelligent, fun, .." there were a couple other things. I just don't know. I don't think I am leading him on and I think I am interested in him as well, just chicken as always.
I always use sex as a tool. I want to have sex with this other guy because I want to know how I feel. I have done this all to often. I did this as a guard before. I slept with someone else when I thought he was breaking up with me the first time. Sorry, I know how that sounds but it's what I do/did. I am really trying to give up dealing with these boys situations. That is not fair though. I am some where in between right now.
I was happy. When people ask me how I am, I want to tell em how happy I am because thats what I remember.. is that happiness. So, maybe I dont really need him to be happy. Maybe, I really am and would be happy if I just got over this. I am writing it out in hopes to loose a little bit of that closure that was needed. I will never get it anyway.
So, here is this now, for everyone to see.
I will keep working on telling all