WOW THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH IN THE LAST 2YRS ITS REDICULOUS I DONT KNOW HOW I LET MY LIFE FALL SO FAR BETWEEN MY FINGERS I WASNT ABLE TO CATCH MYSELF BEFORE I HIT ROCK BOTTOM. YES I HIT ROCK BOTTOM, TO YOU AND YOU AND MAYBE EVEN YOU I WASNT AT ROCK BOTTOM DIRT POOR OR STRUNG OUT ON DRUGS(AS FAR AS U KNOW)BUT I WAS AT MY LOWEST POINT IN MY LIFE. I FELT LIKE I HAD SEEN THIS PLACE BEFORE WHEN I WAS 19, NOT SOMETHING U FEEL PROUD OF AT 23 YRS OLD. I DONT KNOW WHAT OVER CAME MY THOUGHT PROCESS DURING THOSE YEARS? BUT I KNOW NOW THAT MY THOUGHT PROCESS HAS MATURED SO MUCH MORE. I CANT BELIEVE I WAS WILLIN TO LOOSE MY FAMILY TO A MAN WHO I SWORE WAS GONNA BE MY PROTECTOR AND LOVE. HE WAS NOTHING BUT A LIAR WHO WAS MARRIED AND ANGRY AT EVERYONE FOR HIS CHILDHOOD. I DONT KNOW WHY I WAS SO TRAPPED. WHAT ABOUT HIM MADE MY LIFE SO GOOD WHEN ALL HE WAS DOING WAS SUCKING THE LIFE OUTTA ME! I TRIED AND TRIED FOR SO LONG TO THINK OF WAYS FOR HIM TO MAKE HIM HAPPY WHEN THERE WAS REALLY NO CHANCE IN THAT HAPPENING. I WAS INTRODUCED TO EXTACY AND THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE THE SAVIOR TO OUR RELATIONSHIP SINCE IT OPENED OUR MINDS TO WHAT EACH OF US FELT FOR EACH OTHER AT A EUPHORIC TIME. ONLY THOSE WERE MY TRUE FEELINGS I WORSHIPPED THIS GUY...HE WAS MY WORLD SO ALL "x" DID WAS ENHANCE THOSE FEELINGS FOR ME. THEN WHEN THE TRIP WAS BAD ALL IT DID WAS MAKE ME WANNA KILL MYSELF AND DIE CAUSE I KNEW ONCE THE DRUGS WORE OFF I WOULD JUST GET BEAT AND/OR POSSIBLY BE ANOTHER VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND BE DEAD. I HELD ON TO ALL I COULD FOR AS LONG AS I COULD. THIS IS ABOUT TO GET BAD SO BE PREPARDED! THERE WAS A TIME WHEN HIS GUILT HAD THE BEST OF HIM,AND HE WOULD TURN ON ME. THE NIGHT I KNEW IT WASNT GONNA WORK US LIVING IN THE SAME APARTMENT HE HAD A GUN TO MY HEAD TELLIN ME IT WASNT LOADED BUT I KNEW IT WAS....HE WOULD TELL ME HE WOULD KILL ME FOR WHAT I DID TO HIM AND HIS WIFE. BUT YET IT WAS HIS CHOICE TO LIVE WITH ME. ALL THE WHILE I AM THINKIN THAT I AM GONNA DIE, I DIDNT TELL MY MOM I LOVED HER ENOUGH OR MY COUSIN THAT SHE MEANT SO MUCH TO ME AND HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE MY AUNT AND UNCLE FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WAS PART OF THE FAMILY EVEN WHEN I DIDNT FEEL LIKE THAT! BUT THE BARRELL OF THE GUN WAS JUST POINT BLANK IN THE MIDDLE OF MY EYES, WAITING TO GO OFF AND TAKE MY LIFE AWAY WITH SOME MANY YEARS TO LIVE AND LIVES TO TOUCH! I DONT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THAT NIGHT TURNED BAD. IT DIDNT STOP THERE...I WENT BACK TO HIM EVEN IF IT WAS JUST TO SEE HIM WHEN I GOT OFF WORK OR TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM AND TRY TO "MAKE IT WORK" I WENT TO GO SEE HIM ONE NIGHT TO LEND HIM A CHARGER AND THE NIGHT GOT WORSE. I WAS STABBED 23 TIMES...ONLY ONE NEEDED STITCHES AND ONE OTHER MINOR MEDICAL CARE...I HAD TO LET IT GO COMPLETELY AT THAT POINT. MY LIFE HAS REALLY CHANGED SINCE THEN AND NOW I LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND THE FUTURE AHEAD OF ME! I HAVE HURT SO MANY PEOPLE THAT LOVE AND CARE ABOUT ME THAT YES SOMETIMES I STILL GET SAD AND MY FEELINGS STILL HURT, BUT I HAVE TO REALIZE THAT IS THE PAST AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE FUTURE AHEAD! TO THOSE PEOPLE I HURT I AM SORRY AND I LOVE YOU ALL! BTW MORE TO COME!