(no subject)
What is it about being poly as an identity that makes it a need, not a want? I could imagine not feeling jealousy and enjoying multiple partners in theory. What about that makes it a necessity, to the point where it's a deal breaker on the level of kids and religion?
Imagine one of your children telling you that you have to stop loving the other children. Or one of your parents telling you that you have to stop loving the other parent.
Being told to rip loving relationships out of your life is horrible. Being told to not develop them in the first place is almost as bad. I was raised Jehovah's Witness, I don't need my loved ones telling me who I can't be close to anymore.
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So I've been poly nearly 10 years, but have only been in a relationship with one person for the past year. Dating multiple people is not something I strictly need; I think a lot of people don't strictly need it.
But polyamory is a very different relationship culture to monogamy, in more ways than simply having multiple partners. I prefer this culture, and I feel incompatible with people who prefer monogamous norms.
And I'm surrounded by poly friends. Even though I'm not in a relationship with these people, the fact that we are polyamorous often affects things a little bit. Like, cuddling is normal, sex is on the table if we're attracted to each other, etc. There's no limit on the intimacy I share with people, and that has significant implications even if I'm only committed to one person.
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At the very least, there’s a monogamy culture thing of telling me how I should feel - what love is, what kinds of love are good and bad, relationship to jealousy - and if I don’t feel those exact things, I’m bad and wrong. That’s why it becomes an identity thing. I would be in monogamous relationships saying “I don’t identify with your feelings, but I still won’t cheat on you.” I wouldn’t cheat, i understand the gravity of the monogamous agreement. I would just accept that my feelings were wrong. Eventually, I preferred to also exist.
***
It’s a necessity for me, my happiness and my life to not have people I share mutual love and care with to be forced apart from me. Someone who’d force me away from someone I love has a fundamentally different & incompatible view of relationships from me. This is not to say at all that I need multiple identically engaged active relationships, which is a tired misconception about ENM people. Most of my life I have had 0 or 1 person I was actively regularly seeing.
Imagine one of your children telling you that you have to stop loving the other children. Or one of your parents telling you that you have to stop loving the other parent.
Being told to rip loving relationships out of your life is horrible. Being told to not develop them in the first place is almost as bad. I was raised Jehovah's Witness, I don't need my loved ones telling me who I can't be close to anymore.
***
So I've been poly nearly 10 years, but have only been in a relationship with one person for the past year. Dating multiple people is not something I strictly need; I think a lot of people don't strictly need it.
But polyamory is a very different relationship culture to monogamy, in more ways than simply having multiple partners. I prefer this culture, and I feel incompatible with people who prefer monogamous norms.
And I'm surrounded by poly friends. Even though I'm not in a relationship with these people, the fact that we are polyamorous often affects things a little bit. Like, cuddling is normal, sex is on the table if we're attracted to each other, etc. There's no limit on the intimacy I share with people, and that has significant implications even if I'm only committed to one person.
***
At the very least, there’s a monogamy culture thing of telling me how I should feel - what love is, what kinds of love are good and bad, relationship to jealousy - and if I don’t feel those exact things, I’m bad and wrong. That’s why it becomes an identity thing. I would be in monogamous relationships saying “I don’t identify with your feelings, but I still won’t cheat on you.” I wouldn’t cheat, i understand the gravity of the monogamous agreement. I would just accept that my feelings were wrong. Eventually, I preferred to also exist.
***
It’s a necessity for me, my happiness and my life to not have people I share mutual love and care with to be forced apart from me. Someone who’d force me away from someone I love has a fundamentally different & incompatible view of relationships from me. This is not to say at all that I need multiple identically engaged active relationships, which is a tired misconception about ENM people. Most of my life I have had 0 or 1 person I was actively regularly seeing.