Because Phillip mentioned I hadn't updated in a while...
I'm really not happy with myself.
I just missed another audition because come the moment to leave my house, all my confidence gets drained. I hate my acne. I hate trying to compete with these people who have clear skin. I feel like there's no possible way for to me to book anything having to do with print work because the casting directors are just going to look at me like, "Is he serious?"…and of course, I've meant to call the dr. office and get a referral to a dermatologists, I just never got around to it. The last medication I took, I was allergic to. My next appt. is in 3 weeks.
And that's just towards print work. Dancing…I feel like I can definetly perform, I just have to feel comfortable with the choreography. Well, like a month ago, based off just pictures and resumes, I was booked for this dancing show in Flordia called Winter Wonderland. I was really excited that I was about to do my first real professional show…but again, this was casted off just pictures and resumes, so they had no idea how we danced. Then they called an audition, for booked and non-booked dancers, and since I was already booked, they said that I had nothing to worry about. Anything I did at that audition couldn't jeapordize my spot in the show, which felt like a really big releif because I fucked up really bad at that audition. And it wasn't even like there were other people fucking up too, no. I was the only one who was majorly fucking up. Lol, there was even a point where I was looking in the mirror on the way to the floor at the other dancers who were already on the floor…yeah, so DDO called me a week later and said I've been un-booked. And there goes my first dancing job.
I also lost my phone. So the only numbers I have are the ones I know by heart and the ones people from myspace have sent me. And before that, I lost my wallet which had about $280 in it…thankfully the new studio we're at is honest. Plus, I can never remember where or when anything is. I'm so fucking forgetful, it's tragic. I'm late to everything! Seriously, everything. Not one thing in my life am I ever on time to (ok, maybe one, but that's maybe). Plus I have that stupid fear of my stomach. There's fucking choregraphy we're doing for our hip hop team at csun where we have to lift our shirts, and I really am just skipping that part like, let me grab the air…I'm so annoying!! I don't even have a bad stomach, but because I put myself down so much, I don't think I'm fucking worthy of anything…::smack::
And that's another reason I'm so bad with my crushes. I never want to put effort in because I'm afraid that a) they won't like me, b) they'll lead me on to the point where I'm ready to run away to San Francisco with them and tie the fucking knot but of course, they just thought I was cute and then once actually got to know me, was over me, or c) if they do like me, we'll end up breaking up because I forgot to do something. Do you see how cynical I can get towards myself? And it's not even usually. I think that's why I'm such a fucking goof ball, because I hate to actually stop and think about things. Do you see where it gets me? I am so annoying. ::smack::
I got fired from Millennium. That, I'm actually happy about. I got three wruite ups and once three hits, you're out. First one was because I called in and said I just woke up and was too far away to make it to work, when in reality I was at Maria's house for Christina's birthday drunk off my ass at 9 in the morning. Second, was because I did I show for Beau and Kristi and it was the week I lost my wallet and phone (and I didn't know the new studio had my wallet yet…) and I was too depressed about that to actually care about finding a cover for Millennium…so called in again at 9 and said I wasn't going to make it. And third…because I came in 20 minutes late. I wanted my Saturdays back anyway, but still, I see an annoying pattern happening.
Let's write something good…
…so I painted my room! No longer are my walls silver. Now, they are blue and green! And my closet and door are black! I bought two new dressers from IKEA and like, blinds, a comforter, this throw rug that mathes parfect…I love my room….ugh….sex. Just sex.
I fucking LOVE my job. Kristi, THANK YOU SO MUCH for getting me this job. I've never understood Rene's obsession with how cute kids are…but I completely understand now. I want kids, like, 12 of them. Lol, because it's October, Kristi and me (I know that's incorrect grammer, 'Kristi and me' and it should be 'Kristi and I'…but I just like referring to myself as me sometimes…don't ask why I just thought of that…) are making up this random dance to "I Put a Spell On You" from Hocus Poucs! Hocus-fucking-Pocus, seriously my favorite movie from when I was a kid. Omg, ok, so when this movie was out in theaters (back when they had drive in theaters) my parents took me to see A Thin Red Line...some fucking war movie...whatever...half way through, i was like, "Can I got to the bathroom?"...and they let me out...tell me why I went and sat in between two cars in the Hocus Pocus lot? My parents thought I got kidnapped!!
AND! I opened my first bank account ever! I know, I'm on the verge of turning 20 and I'm now just opening a Savings and Checking account…sad. But shit, I got my checks in the mail…the Disney Fantasia series…with my OWN name on it! I'm so excited.
So yeah, my birthday is next Monday and Christina is taking me to Disneyland!! She's buying me my own season pass…ugh…::tear:: I'm such a disney freak.
I really miss Oscar. Like, really. I see him maybe once every two weeks, and that's usually because he doesn't have a ride home the night before, so he has to stay over since where he needs to be in the morning is close to my house. He uses me for my house and food. But I love him. So it's alright. Headshots booch?
Oooh, ok, so I've been taking headshots lately! One of my agents wants to meet with me to go over what rates I should charge and it kind of sounded like he had some people set up already…I don't know, but I'm excited!! I might be meeting with him today but he hasn't called me back yet, so it might have to happen tomorrow.
Did the BB Kings performance last Saturday…never doing that again. Management fucking sucked. The dancing was on, but management wasn't. And I actually talked to Nick! No, not my brother, Nick the dancer who I think is amazing but was really flaky during my disney carnival piece. Seriously, we haven't spoken to eachother since then. That was May. He came to rehearsal with Beau last night and we actually talked. And I'm happy about that too, I was really over all the "let me look this way because you're over here" ness.
And before that, Eric and me choregraphed a show for the Highlands and Tony and Ben came! It was so nice to see them come out for me. Lol, they were so drunk by the time we went on. There were these girls taking a group picture and this random guy comes up to Ben and starts pointing at all the girls individually saying, "I'd fuck that one. And that one. And that one. Not her her friend, no. But her, yes!" And Ben was just drunkily agreeing, it was funny. Ah, straight boys.
And CSUN is doing Carnival this month! It's going to be kind of creepy...kind of. Maybe, I don't know lol. We're just going for a Halloween weird theme. So come!
You know what I really look forward to? Jazz class. I actually feel like I'm going somewhere in that class. Not anywhere physical, lol no, but I completely feel like I get better every time I take from Erika. And just, how talented Ari, Jessica, Jessi and Phil are...you can't help but push yourself harder to try and match up to their training. But ooh, there's this one part where we have to run and do one of those baseball slides on the floor...my hip is so done with me right now. And it's not even the right hip that's bruised, it's the opposite one we land on! Like, wtf? It's so random. But yes, love jazz class.
Mana came with me to work like 3 weeks ago and then we went to Millennium so I could teach my private...and afterwards we saw Rene. We were talking for like a good 6 minutes. And as we walked away, Mana says to me, "You are so obvious." Lol. Like, how can I not be? Always with that boy.
I hate my brother. So Bob wakes him up because he needs a ride to work and Nick comes to me and says, "What are you doing right now?" And I already know he's going to ask me to take Bob, but I don't want to. So I said, "Go away Nick." And he's like, "Can you take Bob?" and I reply, "No." And he goes off, "You fucking take Bob, it's always me!" In which I reply, "What do you even do Nick?" Because he doesn’t have a job right now and doesn’t go to school. "Even when I did have a job, did I take Bob? Yes. Do you? No." he says. Which in fact is a lie, we alternated before on who took Bob. But seriously, Nick tries to make me do it after I get home from work, obviously tired and on my way to rehearsal, acting like he didn't just sit his ass the entire day in front on the computer. And then he has the fucking nerve to say, "You need to start doing stuff for other people in this family!" and slams the door. Because you do so much Nick. Because you coming in Sunday morning while I'm watching something and turn it to football with the excuse, "It's sunday…I always watch football in here on sundays, everyone knows that." No.........nick. No. And I'm like, "Since when is always?" And he's like, "The last 2 or 3 weeks…" He's so fucking just......AGGRAVATING. And he's calls me a slob when the boy walks around the house in the same boxer briefs and (sometimes!) wife beater? Have you smelled your room Nick?? He knit picks at anything I do wrong. Like, when I get home, I naturally lock the door. But when I leave home, I sometimes forget to lock it, so of course, him and Dad think my entire persona in life is to save myself from harm, but fuck my family. Like, oh, I'm the most important thing in life. Like…the fuck? Everyone forgets to lock the door, and I've been working on remembering, so shut the fuck up. He always tries to tell me what to do and I want to slit his throat. Is it so hard to not say every single fucking thing to me with an attitude?
God, I've been wanting to write that for the longest.
And now, I have to leave for work, which I love.
I'm done.
I just missed another audition because come the moment to leave my house, all my confidence gets drained. I hate my acne. I hate trying to compete with these people who have clear skin. I feel like there's no possible way for to me to book anything having to do with print work because the casting directors are just going to look at me like, "Is he serious?"…and of course, I've meant to call the dr. office and get a referral to a dermatologists, I just never got around to it. The last medication I took, I was allergic to. My next appt. is in 3 weeks.
And that's just towards print work. Dancing…I feel like I can definetly perform, I just have to feel comfortable with the choreography. Well, like a month ago, based off just pictures and resumes, I was booked for this dancing show in Flordia called Winter Wonderland. I was really excited that I was about to do my first real professional show…but again, this was casted off just pictures and resumes, so they had no idea how we danced. Then they called an audition, for booked and non-booked dancers, and since I was already booked, they said that I had nothing to worry about. Anything I did at that audition couldn't jeapordize my spot in the show, which felt like a really big releif because I fucked up really bad at that audition. And it wasn't even like there were other people fucking up too, no. I was the only one who was majorly fucking up. Lol, there was even a point where I was looking in the mirror on the way to the floor at the other dancers who were already on the floor…yeah, so DDO called me a week later and said I've been un-booked. And there goes my first dancing job.
I also lost my phone. So the only numbers I have are the ones I know by heart and the ones people from myspace have sent me. And before that, I lost my wallet which had about $280 in it…thankfully the new studio we're at is honest. Plus, I can never remember where or when anything is. I'm so fucking forgetful, it's tragic. I'm late to everything! Seriously, everything. Not one thing in my life am I ever on time to (ok, maybe one, but that's maybe). Plus I have that stupid fear of my stomach. There's fucking choregraphy we're doing for our hip hop team at csun where we have to lift our shirts, and I really am just skipping that part like, let me grab the air…I'm so annoying!! I don't even have a bad stomach, but because I put myself down so much, I don't think I'm fucking worthy of anything…::smack::
And that's another reason I'm so bad with my crushes. I never want to put effort in because I'm afraid that a) they won't like me, b) they'll lead me on to the point where I'm ready to run away to San Francisco with them and tie the fucking knot but of course, they just thought I was cute and then once actually got to know me, was over me, or c) if they do like me, we'll end up breaking up because I forgot to do something. Do you see how cynical I can get towards myself? And it's not even usually. I think that's why I'm such a fucking goof ball, because I hate to actually stop and think about things. Do you see where it gets me? I am so annoying. ::smack::
I got fired from Millennium. That, I'm actually happy about. I got three wruite ups and once three hits, you're out. First one was because I called in and said I just woke up and was too far away to make it to work, when in reality I was at Maria's house for Christina's birthday drunk off my ass at 9 in the morning. Second, was because I did I show for Beau and Kristi and it was the week I lost my wallet and phone (and I didn't know the new studio had my wallet yet…) and I was too depressed about that to actually care about finding a cover for Millennium…so called in again at 9 and said I wasn't going to make it. And third…because I came in 20 minutes late. I wanted my Saturdays back anyway, but still, I see an annoying pattern happening.
Let's write something good…
…so I painted my room! No longer are my walls silver. Now, they are blue and green! And my closet and door are black! I bought two new dressers from IKEA and like, blinds, a comforter, this throw rug that mathes parfect…I love my room….ugh….sex. Just sex.
I fucking LOVE my job. Kristi, THANK YOU SO MUCH for getting me this job. I've never understood Rene's obsession with how cute kids are…but I completely understand now. I want kids, like, 12 of them. Lol, because it's October, Kristi and me (I know that's incorrect grammer, 'Kristi and me' and it should be 'Kristi and I'…but I just like referring to myself as me sometimes…don't ask why I just thought of that…) are making up this random dance to "I Put a Spell On You" from Hocus Poucs! Hocus-fucking-Pocus, seriously my favorite movie from when I was a kid. Omg, ok, so when this movie was out in theaters (back when they had drive in theaters) my parents took me to see A Thin Red Line...some fucking war movie...whatever...half way through, i was like, "Can I got to the bathroom?"...and they let me out...tell me why I went and sat in between two cars in the Hocus Pocus lot? My parents thought I got kidnapped!!
AND! I opened my first bank account ever! I know, I'm on the verge of turning 20 and I'm now just opening a Savings and Checking account…sad. But shit, I got my checks in the mail…the Disney Fantasia series…with my OWN name on it! I'm so excited.
So yeah, my birthday is next Monday and Christina is taking me to Disneyland!! She's buying me my own season pass…ugh…::tear:: I'm such a disney freak.
I really miss Oscar. Like, really. I see him maybe once every two weeks, and that's usually because he doesn't have a ride home the night before, so he has to stay over since where he needs to be in the morning is close to my house. He uses me for my house and food. But I love him. So it's alright. Headshots booch?
Oooh, ok, so I've been taking headshots lately! One of my agents wants to meet with me to go over what rates I should charge and it kind of sounded like he had some people set up already…I don't know, but I'm excited!! I might be meeting with him today but he hasn't called me back yet, so it might have to happen tomorrow.
Did the BB Kings performance last Saturday…never doing that again. Management fucking sucked. The dancing was on, but management wasn't. And I actually talked to Nick! No, not my brother, Nick the dancer who I think is amazing but was really flaky during my disney carnival piece. Seriously, we haven't spoken to eachother since then. That was May. He came to rehearsal with Beau last night and we actually talked. And I'm happy about that too, I was really over all the "let me look this way because you're over here" ness.
And before that, Eric and me choregraphed a show for the Highlands and Tony and Ben came! It was so nice to see them come out for me. Lol, they were so drunk by the time we went on. There were these girls taking a group picture and this random guy comes up to Ben and starts pointing at all the girls individually saying, "I'd fuck that one. And that one. And that one. Not her her friend, no. But her, yes!" And Ben was just drunkily agreeing, it was funny. Ah, straight boys.
And CSUN is doing Carnival this month! It's going to be kind of creepy...kind of. Maybe, I don't know lol. We're just going for a Halloween weird theme. So come!
You know what I really look forward to? Jazz class. I actually feel like I'm going somewhere in that class. Not anywhere physical, lol no, but I completely feel like I get better every time I take from Erika. And just, how talented Ari, Jessica, Jessi and Phil are...you can't help but push yourself harder to try and match up to their training. But ooh, there's this one part where we have to run and do one of those baseball slides on the floor...my hip is so done with me right now. And it's not even the right hip that's bruised, it's the opposite one we land on! Like, wtf? It's so random. But yes, love jazz class.
Mana came with me to work like 3 weeks ago and then we went to Millennium so I could teach my private...and afterwards we saw Rene. We were talking for like a good 6 minutes. And as we walked away, Mana says to me, "You are so obvious." Lol. Like, how can I not be? Always with that boy.
I hate my brother. So Bob wakes him up because he needs a ride to work and Nick comes to me and says, "What are you doing right now?" And I already know he's going to ask me to take Bob, but I don't want to. So I said, "Go away Nick." And he's like, "Can you take Bob?" and I reply, "No." And he goes off, "You fucking take Bob, it's always me!" In which I reply, "What do you even do Nick?" Because he doesn’t have a job right now and doesn’t go to school. "Even when I did have a job, did I take Bob? Yes. Do you? No." he says. Which in fact is a lie, we alternated before on who took Bob. But seriously, Nick tries to make me do it after I get home from work, obviously tired and on my way to rehearsal, acting like he didn't just sit his ass the entire day in front on the computer. And then he has the fucking nerve to say, "You need to start doing stuff for other people in this family!" and slams the door. Because you do so much Nick. Because you coming in Sunday morning while I'm watching something and turn it to football with the excuse, "It's sunday…I always watch football in here on sundays, everyone knows that." No.........nick. No. And I'm like, "Since when is always?" And he's like, "The last 2 or 3 weeks…" He's so fucking just......AGGRAVATING. And he's calls me a slob when the boy walks around the house in the same boxer briefs and (sometimes!) wife beater? Have you smelled your room Nick?? He knit picks at anything I do wrong. Like, when I get home, I naturally lock the door. But when I leave home, I sometimes forget to lock it, so of course, him and Dad think my entire persona in life is to save myself from harm, but fuck my family. Like, oh, I'm the most important thing in life. Like…the fuck? Everyone forgets to lock the door, and I've been working on remembering, so shut the fuck up. He always tries to tell me what to do and I want to slit his throat. Is it so hard to not say every single fucking thing to me with an attitude?
God, I've been wanting to write that for the longest.
And now, I have to leave for work, which I love.
I'm done.