Sorting Out My Head...and life
Hmmmm so lately my life has consisted of spending large amounts of time working at Target, walking the dog anywhere I can think of, doing a bit of yoga to keep from being sore, reading reading reading and more reading and a whole bunch of knitting and cleaning. I'm no longer in school so the days have taken on a slower yet still chaotic pace but of a different sort.
Yes, for those of you who did not know I pulled out of school but not forever, I promise, just for now. Just for a break, just for some room to breath. As cheesey as it sounds I need to find myself. There was so much noise in my head about so many things that schoolwork was taking a backseat to trying to sort out my thoughts. This coupled with the fact that I was often feeling too sick and worn out and in pain from the gal bladder issues I did not make it to class often enough to do well. It was just better to pull out, figure some stuff out and plan to go back when I know I can do well. Which hopefully will be sooner rather then later.
As for my health it's been better but not 100%. I'm still not eating much but that is normal for me. The new surgery date to have my gal bladder out is April 16th at 5:30 a.m. I have to do it this time. Last time I knew I was not ready, I knew I was going to panic and I did. I hate it when people don't listen to me, don't take me seriously and that played a big part in the rather massive panic attack I had at the hospital. "But you look calm" is not a good responce when I say "Look I'm really really scared."
Going in so early in the morning is a doubled edged sword. I have no time to think about the day and I will not have to stay over night but I also will refuse to ask a friend to go with me now because it's so early. Neither of my parents are much help when I get freaked out and I know I can get away with a lot of shit with them, even as an adult, that I would not get away with if a friend was there.
All in all though my mental state has been pretty good. I'd give it an 8 out of 10 which is better then I've been in years. I'm off meds and out of therapy and doing really well. I'm starting to wonder if the label of bi polar that I've held for so many years in just wrong. I don't see it in myself. People who have known me my entire life, people who live with me, doubt it as well. I don't think it matters at this point. I'm mostly happy, much calmer, my panic is minimal and never overwhelming. Yes, I still have bad days but I function better then well and I move on. I've found a lot of inner peace. I found out things about myself and I world I live in and everything makes sense. So much has fallen into place the last 8 months. I'm thankful.
I really want to say more about it but I fear the backlash from some family members who read this journal so if you really want to know just ask.
I've been thinking a lot about my body, how I see myself and my issues with food and weight...oh boy...it's a hell of an issue to try and wrap my head around. No, I'm not doing well when it comes to those things but I'm doing better then I have in the past. I'm trying hard to beat out my own mind in the race for my self worth which seems to hinged on the number the scale says in the morning. I'm working on a bit of an essay sort of thing about it, I suppose I may post it here.
I'm not sure if I said this before but The Boy and I are no more. I'm glad, for both of us. It needed to end a lot sooner then it did. Currently he's not speaking to me because I failed to hold my tongue when speaking to him but I feel that's a two way street.
I do miss being with some one though. I miss having some one who can see everyside of me. I miss 3 a.m. wake up calls for sex. I miss making breakfast in my PJs. I miss random adventures and exploreing. Maybe I just miss dating and having a deep connection with someone. I think love is overated.
I also know that I don't let people get close. I push people away. I hide and I'm sort of anti social with people I do not know well. So I do understand why a person would think I'm undatable.
Since it's getting warmer out and nicer out I'm spending more time outside and looking for people to explore with, go on adventures with, make trouble with and just generally have fun with so to my all my friends consider this an open offer to call me up and be like "Hey! Let's go climb a mountian!!" I'll say yes and even bring snacks. Also I'm thinking of maybe having a potluck or two so if anyone thinks thats a good idea please feel free to tell me and I'll make it happen...I think I need to be a bit more social with the people I like.
-a.r.
Yes, for those of you who did not know I pulled out of school but not forever, I promise, just for now. Just for a break, just for some room to breath. As cheesey as it sounds I need to find myself. There was so much noise in my head about so many things that schoolwork was taking a backseat to trying to sort out my thoughts. This coupled with the fact that I was often feeling too sick and worn out and in pain from the gal bladder issues I did not make it to class often enough to do well. It was just better to pull out, figure some stuff out and plan to go back when I know I can do well. Which hopefully will be sooner rather then later.
As for my health it's been better but not 100%. I'm still not eating much but that is normal for me. The new surgery date to have my gal bladder out is April 16th at 5:30 a.m. I have to do it this time. Last time I knew I was not ready, I knew I was going to panic and I did. I hate it when people don't listen to me, don't take me seriously and that played a big part in the rather massive panic attack I had at the hospital. "But you look calm" is not a good responce when I say "Look I'm really really scared."
Going in so early in the morning is a doubled edged sword. I have no time to think about the day and I will not have to stay over night but I also will refuse to ask a friend to go with me now because it's so early. Neither of my parents are much help when I get freaked out and I know I can get away with a lot of shit with them, even as an adult, that I would not get away with if a friend was there.
All in all though my mental state has been pretty good. I'd give it an 8 out of 10 which is better then I've been in years. I'm off meds and out of therapy and doing really well. I'm starting to wonder if the label of bi polar that I've held for so many years in just wrong. I don't see it in myself. People who have known me my entire life, people who live with me, doubt it as well. I don't think it matters at this point. I'm mostly happy, much calmer, my panic is minimal and never overwhelming. Yes, I still have bad days but I function better then well and I move on. I've found a lot of inner peace. I found out things about myself and I world I live in and everything makes sense. So much has fallen into place the last 8 months. I'm thankful.
I really want to say more about it but I fear the backlash from some family members who read this journal so if you really want to know just ask.
I've been thinking a lot about my body, how I see myself and my issues with food and weight...oh boy...it's a hell of an issue to try and wrap my head around. No, I'm not doing well when it comes to those things but I'm doing better then I have in the past. I'm trying hard to beat out my own mind in the race for my self worth which seems to hinged on the number the scale says in the morning. I'm working on a bit of an essay sort of thing about it, I suppose I may post it here.
I'm not sure if I said this before but The Boy and I are no more. I'm glad, for both of us. It needed to end a lot sooner then it did. Currently he's not speaking to me because I failed to hold my tongue when speaking to him but I feel that's a two way street.
I do miss being with some one though. I miss having some one who can see everyside of me. I miss 3 a.m. wake up calls for sex. I miss making breakfast in my PJs. I miss random adventures and exploreing. Maybe I just miss dating and having a deep connection with someone. I think love is overated.
I also know that I don't let people get close. I push people away. I hide and I'm sort of anti social with people I do not know well. So I do understand why a person would think I'm undatable.
Since it's getting warmer out and nicer out I'm spending more time outside and looking for people to explore with, go on adventures with, make trouble with and just generally have fun with so to my all my friends consider this an open offer to call me up and be like "Hey! Let's go climb a mountian!!" I'll say yes and even bring snacks. Also I'm thinking of maybe having a potluck or two so if anyone thinks thats a good idea please feel free to tell me and I'll make it happen...I think I need to be a bit more social with the people I like.
-a.r.