"held captive by society"...
The past few weeks were a mad rush. So many thoughts are whirling through my mind right now. Feeling very confused about so many things. While I get cranky and angry because of the mounting pressure that all of us are placed under, I don't hate it. I think all these are good learning experiences. What I hate is that there is barely any time to reflect on what we are doing and the things that have happened.
LCH came back a few weeks ago. When I saw him, I felt very angry, though I wasn't very sure what I was angry about. I knew that he felt guilty and apologetic, so I shouldn’t be angry. But I still hit him and shouted at him.
As I think back on things, perhaps his act of running away wasn't the thing that left me so upset and stunned. Now I think that it may be his reasons for running away that left me upset and the fact that he felt he had to run away.
The thought of running away never did cross my mind. Most probably it's because I never actually saw myself as someone who is trapped. Despite all the fears and anxiety I feel due to schoolwork or having to succeed, I never felt like I was being "held captive by society". The reason he gave however made me question if all the stress that we put upon ourselves to do well is really necessary and worth it. It suddenly struck me that maybe a majority of us are like the Ladies in The Cagebirds- Blindly and unknowingly allowing ourselves to be imprisoned.
After he came back, he seemed so much more cynical. All that only served to strengthened my feelings of melancholy. He told us a lot of how there is a system everywhere and something along the lines of never ever being able to escape all that. There are few variations in human nature. As long as a place has human beings, greed and power struggles would pervade. All this is inescapable and everybody, whether by choice or not, would be implicated.
I hope I will figure a way to swallow these facts. All of us will have to go out into the society and work. Would that be the time that we see the ugliest sides of people? Right now in school, it is already so easy for dissent to be sowed. Who knows how much worse things in the working world will be?
Still trying to accept all that has happened. Always hopping from one event or activity to the next, living with the constant shroud of deadlines.
Am trying to maintain a positive outlook despite all these.