I want to sleep
Worn out. That’s how I feel. Not exhausted, not stressed out. Exhausted is what I feel when I’ve been trying to burn the midnight oil. Stressed out is what I feel when the deadline for an incomplete assignment is nearing. Worn out… at the moment, it feels like a concoction of mild weariness, detachment and indescribable fear. It feels like I don’t even have an ounce of energy left in me. Of late, my mind has been bombarded with questions regarding the future and reflections of the year. Some recurring words are turned over in my mind. Words I absolutely abhor. “Limitations”, “Disappointment”, “Regret”.
I hate it when people start going on about how down they feel, so ah. Yes. I hate behaving this way, but just want to let it all out.
Reality has punches us in the face time and time again. Regret is like having an anchor hooked to your heart, and disappointment, I suppose has the same effects of a torture previously used in China. It’s the one where they would insert sewing needles in your fingers. The after effects are an invisible sharp pain. It’s the same way with disappointed. Disappointment would evoke in the mind, something small happening, that leaves you feeling sad, but there is that pain there. A scar that nobody can see, but the thought of it can bring tears to your eyes. However, you simply cannot explain why it hurts because there is no visible injury.
I suppose a few of the things that have been bogging me down are my own doubts and insecurities. I fear that I won’t be able to cope next year, or achieve what I have set out to. Sometimes, I can’t help questioning again and again what if I am not capable enough, what if I am not good enough to tackle the challenges ahead. I shouldn’t be wasting energy and time on all these, but it’s not easy to block them out. Those little voices just won’t stop whispering. I’ve never felt so useless, helpless and frightened before. What an imbecile! I’ve always believed that man is that master of his destiny and that the our future is in our hands, but these days, I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean with no float and no boat in sight. Treading and treading, and now I’m tired, and all I want is something to hold onto. I’m trying to reach out. I swipe my hands to grab something, but I all I feel is emptiness- there is nothing there!
Worn out. All I want is to sleep forever.