A Deluge of Detentions (scarvesnhats Day 21
Title: A Deluge of Detentions
Rating: PG/PG-13 (for language)
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I'm just borrowing them.
Wordcount: 3284
Prompt: Rain on the windows.
Notes: Sixth year. Sirius Black hates being introspective. Luckily, he's evolved a way to drive it out of his mind. James, Remus and Lily are just trying to survive to the end of the day. Exceedingly silly. (For information, Hogwarts has been struck by a flu epidemic. As a consequence, all unaffected sixth and seventh years have been appointed interim prefects)
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It had been one of those days. One of the days when Remus forgot that he was more than half in love with Sirius Black; one of those days when it didn’t matter that he was desperate to touch him, that he wanted to wrap himself around that warm elegance and rub against him, that he loved the way he had walked away from his home, for friendship’s sake, and was infuriated by the way he refused to admit he was upset about it. It was one of those days when he couldn’t even be diverted by that stupid, alluring thing Sirius did with his bum when he was thinking and forgot he wasn’t Padfoot and didn’t have a tail.
In short, it was one of those days when all he wanted to do with Sirius Black was gag him, tie him to a tree in the Forbidden Forest and leave him for the acromantula.
It had begun well with a rather engrossing dream involving a naked Sirius sprawled by a bonfire, begging Remus to cover him in charcoal. Remus had just reached his thighs when he was awoken by an enormous black dog landing on his chest and drooling on his face.
He had yelped and flailed but the dog was already gone. After a moment he heard James howl and Padfoot went streaking back to his own bed, barking wildly.
There was a thump of footsteps and one of the Seventh Year boys burst in. “What the hell are you little shits doing? Have you got a dog in here?”
“A dog?” Sirius said, sitting on the end of his bed, looking dangerously angelic. “You’re hearing things, Turner. Why would we have a dog in here?”
“Because you’re a load of freaks,” the Seventh Year snarled and slammed out again.
At breakfast Sirius decided to burn that day’s letter before the owl delivered it. The owl, who had been in the Black family for years, dodged and kept coming. The resulting air battle finished off three milk jugs, two tureens of porridge and a platter. The bacon which had been on the platter reformed into a battalion of tiny, flying pigs which attacked the owl from both flanks. Three banners caught fire, two Hufflepuffs acquired green hair and a jar of plum jam sprouted a substantial tree, causing the Ravenclaw table to collapse under its weight. Even so, there was a round of applause when Sirius hit the target and the letter exploded into a rain of purple stars. The owl soared away again with a disdainful glare.
Lily got to Sirius before Professor McGonagall, who was still fighting off flying pigs. When she launched into a lecture on cruelty to helpless beasts, Sirius obligingly stripped to his drawers to display the scars that particular owl had given him when it attacked him in the bath when he was ten.
In Potions, Sirius brewed away happily. Remus, who had only just scraped into the NEWT class, couldn’t spare the attention to watch him and trusted he was suitably distracted. He didn’t think that Polyjuice Potion was meant to be turquoise but his own was a rather odd shade of green, despite Lily’s help.
It wasn’t until the cauldron began to belch that Remus reconsidered. He grabbed Lily’s arm and gestured. She looked over his shoulder and then her eyes widened before she grabbed him and James with an arm each and dragged them under the bench.
The explosion a few moments later toppled every stool in the room, coated the ceiling with glowing slime and made everyone still standing burst into spontaneous song. Sirius chortled happily.
In Defence Against the Dark Arts, the new professor, who obviously hadn’t been warned about Sirius Black, set them to subduing pixies with non-verbal magic. Sirius smiled and transfigured all the chalk in the room into miniature bows and arrows.
Professor Gibbon, fighting off attack from the air, failed to notice that Sirius’ inkwell was full of paraffin until he set it alight.
“Mr Black! What are you-”
“Let him have it, boys,” Sirius commanded, waving his wand like a baton and tossing pencils to the pixies.
“Mr Black! Cease this immediately or I will be forced to give you detention!”
“Can I pencil you in for Sunday, sir. Professor McGonagall’s booked tomorrow and Professor Slughorn expects me Saturday.”
Remus ducked a flaming pencil and crawled across the floor to where James had taken cover with Lily and the other Gryffindor girls.
“Has he lost his mind?” Lily demanded. James was looking shifty.
“Long ago,” Remus muttered and took aim at a pixie. “Aquajaculare!”
“I love that one,” Lily said and smirked. “It always makes men blush. Aquajaculare!”
James, faintly scarlet, grabbed his wand and took aim.
Thankfully, it was raining too hard to go outside for Care of Magical Creatures. Professor Kettleburn set them to noting a chapter on Augerey metabolism. Sirius sat meekly in the corner, as if he wasn’t aware that the rest of the class were paying more attention to him than the textbook. Every few minutes he tore a strip off the bottom of his scroll and wrote something on it. Then he twisted the strip in half, set it down on the floor, and sent it scuttling out of the room. Remus pitied the recipients but was rather relieved to be spared himself.
He scribbled a note and wafted it across. Do you want to be in detention forever?
Sirius considered it, wrote something and passed it back. Want to join me?
Remus glared at him and shook his head. Sirius pouted and tickled his textbook. It snapped at him affectionately. He grinned and reached into his pocket for a handful of leaves.
“Oh, shit,” James said audibly. “Not the catnip.”
“Mr Potter?”
Sirius’ textbook burped and then launched itself into mid-air, pages rustling.
“Feet up!” James yelled as it hit the floor at a run. The textbook turned, teeth gnashing, and wove between the desks, hunting for exposed flesh. The room filled with shrieks and shouts as various hexes were hurled at it. The book dodged them all and fixed its attention on Professor Kettleburn, who was charging forward to meet it. The book purred and settled back, spine tensing as it prepared to launch.
Kettleburn brought his hands up to protect his face and Remus, who had discovered the catnip effect in the first place, shouted, “Professor, no! It’s not aiming that high!”
But it was too late. Kettleburn’s howl of agony echoed around the classroom and Remus winced. He was pretty sure he wasn’t the only bloke in the room crossing his legs right now.
“Shall I get Madam Pomfrey, sir?” Sirius enquired politely.
At lunch, McGonagall marched Sirius off to a table on his own. He went happily enough. Remus took a moment to stare up at the grey clouds above and then said to James, “Have you any idea what’s wrong with him?”
“Ah,” James said and took an unnecessarily large mouthful of steak and kidney pie.
“Prongs.”
James shrugged. “Had a bit of a talk, yesterday.”
“I knew you were just bunking Charms. Ill, my arse. What’s wrong with him?”
“Can’t tell you. Not my secret.”
Remus felt his stomach go cold. He hadn’t meant to cling to Sirius in the night. He’d hoped Sirius didn’t mind. “Oh,” he said and prodded his potatoes. “Did you give him advice?”
“Slightly.”
“You know what that does to him. Did he admit to anything, y’know, he wouldn’t be happy about?”
“Moony. Don’t ask. I can’t tell you.”
Shit. Double-shit. Trying to ignore what that implied about Sirius’ opinion of him, he said, “You twat. You know he goes insane whenever someone’s forced him to be introspective.”
“He might have grown out of it,” James said feebly.
“The last time was August!”
“August was a long time ago. Oh, shit, look at Regulus.”
Remus looked. Regulus Black stood in the doorway of the Great Hall. His hair was green, his robes were red and his eyebrows had sprouted ringlets. Every piece of exposed skin was covered in boils and he left a trail of blue slime as he moved. Remus could smell the sulphur from here.
Sirius grinned at him and waved chirpily.
Remus closed his eyes and put his head down on the table.
He had some respite after lunch, when Sirius was in Divination and James was in Herbology. Lily took pity on him and found other topics of conversation for the whole of their Runes class. It didn’t hide the way that everyone else was murmuring about Sirius but it helped.
“Did you hear about Snape?” she asked.
“No,” Remus said. “He wasn’t at lunch.”
“Collapsed in Advanced Potions.”
“The flu?”
“Not just. It turns out he’s had it as long as Narcissa but has been making himself potions to hold the symptoms off.”
“He poisoned himself?” Remus asked, brightening.
“Snape? No. The flu caught up. All he managed to do was intensify it. I heard he’s been rushed out to St Mungo’s.”
“At least that’s one less person who’s going to want revenge,” Remus said glumly as the bell went. “Braced for Transfiguration?”
Lily winced. “If all three of us jump him in the corridor, I can grab his wand and you can stun him. I’m sure McGonagall won’t mind if he’s unconscious.”
“It never works,” Remus said. “His reflexes are too good.”
When they joined him in the Transfiguration classroom, Sirius was smiling serenely. His eyes were bright and he seemed flushed. The rest of his Divination class were eyeing him sourly.
“Padfoot?” James said cautiously.
“Beware!” Sirius said, rolling his Rs. “Beware the Grim.”
Remus didn’t want to know any more than that.
Transfiguration turned out to be a pleasantly uneventful class for Remus, mainly because Sirius turned him into a hamster in the first five minutes. He promptly went to sleep on his desk, lulled by the drumbeat of the rain on the windows. James had to wake him up at the end of the lesson by taking his shoes off and tickling his feet.
“Piss off, Padfoot,” Remus muttered. “I’m not sharing.”
“What did he say?” Lily demanded and Remus jerked awake.
“I didn’t hear anything,” James said blandly and Remus thought, Oh, fuck, Sirius told him.
“Where’s Padfoot?” he asked.
“Yvonne lured him back to the tower with chocolate cake,” Lily said.
“I’m tying him to the bed tonight,” Remus said grumpily.
James jumped.
“Because there won’t be a castle left in the morning if we don’t,” Remus added, scowling at him.
Trying to do homework in the same room as Sirius wasn’t easy at the best of times. Tonight, it could only be described as challenging. James, the git, charged him to keep Sirius confined and went off with Lily on her prefect patrols.
Remus bribed a couple of firsties to sit with their legs across the portrait hole and made a start on the mountain of homework they’d been given that day. He bloody well wasn’t going to let Sirius copy it either.
Sirius demonstrated his ability to write names on the wall with spit pumpkin juice, stuck a couple of second-years to the ceiling, unleashed a few pixies he’d somehow saved from Defence, drew obscene pictures on the windows, recited the first six hundred lines of Beowulf in Old English whilst standing on someone’s divination homework, did a lengthy and loud impression of the fate of Professor Kettleburn, passed around a bottle of firewhiskey Remus was sure he had pilfered from Peter and sang the whole of Dancing Queen in a shrill soprano.
“Why hasn’t someone given him detention tonight?” Yvonne Hazledene demanded.
“Would you want to be alone in a room with him while he’s in this state?” Remus asked.
“They’re teachers.”
“That doesn’t mean they’re completely insane. How many t’s in transmutation?”
“Four, I think.”
“Where’s the applause? Applaud, everyone! Come on - altogether now - You can dance, you can jive…”
“Can’t you stop him?” Yvonne demanded.
“Not when he’s this far gone. Most common hexes bounce off him.”
“…See that girl, watch that scene…”
“Remus, please!”
He sighed and put down his essay. “Sirius! Your image is in tatters!”
“Remus! Why aren’t you dancing?”
Thankfully, James and Lily erupted back into the Common Room, sending Kingsley Shacklebolt flying.
“You imbecile!” Lily shrieked.
“They were deliberately breaking rules!” James protested, puffing his chest out. “Devious little Slytherin gits! They knew I couldn’t take points!”
“That didn’t mean you had to turn them blue!”
“I wasn’t going to let them get away with it. Be reasonable, Lily.”
“Reasonable!”
Remus peered over the top of the sofa in time to see James make a fatal error.
“And don’t do that thing with your hair!” Lily threw her arms into the air. “Honestly, James Potter! I thought you’d changed!”
“Lily-”
“I don’t want to know!”
“Fine!” James snapped. “I would have thought you’d appreciate some help in a crisis. Obviously not!”
“You call that help?”
“I’m not listening.” James stalked away.
Lily snarled and stormed away to the far corner of the room where she was welcomed into a gaggle of girls.
James flung himself onto the sofa beside Remus. “Girls! I will never understand girls!”
Remus shrugged.
“You’re meant to say, ‘That’s because they don’t make sense.’ C’mon, Remus, keep up.”
“That’s Peter’s line,” Remus said and Yvonne rose huffily.
“You’re no good,” James muttered. “Where’s Padfoot?”
It had gone dangerously quiet. The singing had stopped.
Then there was an outraged feminine scream from the far corner. James and Remus sat up to look.
“He’s stealing bras again,” Remus said.
James settled down. “That should keep him happy for a while. Is he slowing down yet?”
“Nope. Can you not even give me a hint? If it’s this bad, I’m expecting him to take off for Bermuda tomorrow morning. Where he’ll rename himself Tallulah and make a living serving drinks in cheap bars.”
James flinched.
Remus was beginning to get really worried.
There was another scream. “Sirius Black, I hate you.”
Remus heard a low chuckle and was in time to see Sirius duck under a table. He watched him creep the length of the common room and then stick the tip of his wand out. Lucille Oliphant had her arms crossed over her breasts and was scanning the room with suspicion. Unfortunately, she didn’t look down. There was a faint pop and her bra came slithering out of her sleeve, straight to Sirius’ wand. He chortled and slid away.
“Maybe we should take him out for a run,” James said.
“Have you seen the rain?”
“Damn.”
Remus went back to his essay. James glared across the room at the back of Lily’s head. Sirius kept collecting.
You could get used to the screams. It was like the rain, a vaguely comforting background when you were trying to think.
“Aha! Full house! I win!”
Sirius burst out from under the table. Every girl in Gryffindor levelled her wand. Sirius yelped, threw the bundle of bras at James’ head and dived for the sofa, grabbing at Remus.
“Save me! Be my shield!”
There were girls coming at him from every angle. Remus, who wasn’t as convinced of his value as a human shield as Sirius seemed to be, dived under the sofa. Sirius came with him.
“Black! Lupin!” James wailed. “Don’t leave me!”
Sirius hugged Remus to him gleefully and then took off under the chairs, squirming on his belly.
James cleared his throat. “Well, ladies, here I am. Help yourselves.”
Sirius had been far too hot. Abandoning James to his fate, Remus took off after him, wincing as he caught a still tender scar on the bottom of a chair.
Sirius dodged right and turned to grin back at Remus. His eyes were bright and his face was red and glistening. He never usually broke a sweat at the bra game. Remus sped up.
Sirius chortled and dodged again, between the legs of an unsuspecting fourth-year.
“Argh! Black, what the fuck-”
Forced to dodge, Remus almost lost him.
“Just one left!” James said. “Any claimers? Come on, ladies, 32C, embroidered with butterflies. Pretty, shiny butterflies. Just the right size, in my informed opinion. Any claimers?”
“Potter,” Lily grated.
Sirius leapt to his feet and lunged onto the table. Remus shot after him and jammed between two high-backed armchairs.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,” Sirius roared. “Perverts and pervees! I have an announcement to make!”
Everyone turned to stare.
Sirius threw his arms out. “I am - I am-”
He paused.
“Get on with it!” Someone shouted.
“I am - I am really not quite myself.” Then he swayed.
“Sirius!” Remus squeaked, struggling to get free.
“Achoo!”
The force of the sneeze sent him staggering backwards. He scrabbled for balance on the edge of the table and then toppled backwards, his arms spread wide.
Twenty spells slowed his fall but he hit the stacked desks behind with a crash. His head cracked audibly against the wood and he halted, still and silent.
There was a shocked silence and then someone screamed. Remus shoved the chairs away with a force he didn’t know he possessed and threw himself across the room.
“Shacklebolt!” James roared. “Pomfrey! Now! Move back, everyone!”
One of the girls had got there first and she looked up as Remus dropped beside her. “He’s still breathing.”
There was blood on the tables.
“Steady,” Lily said quietly in his ear. “Head wounds bleed a lot.”
“I know,” Remus said and she squeezed his shoulder. Remus took a breath and tried to shove down panic. He knew about wounds. He’d had enough of them. There was no reason to panic.
Except this was Sirius and Sirius wasn’t meant to lie that still.
“We need to move him,” James said.
Lily nodded. “Immobilise him first. We don’t know what he’s broken.”
“Somebody clear the table off,” James snapped. “Remus, can you ice over the cut until Pomfrey gets here.”
Remus nodded and dug his wand out. It wasn’t until he pointed it at Sirius that he realised how much his hand was shaking. He whispered the spell and sighed in relief when Sirius flinched a little at the cold.
They moved him very carefully onto the table, six of them working the spell from all sides to keep him level. Remus couldn’t look at the mess they left behind.
Lily peered at him. “His breathing’s okay. I think he just knocked himself silly.”
“He was silly already,” Remus said and was horrified to hear how thick his voice was.
James and Lily closed ranks around him.
“Where the hell is Shacklebolt?” James demanded.
Yvonne was leaning out the portrait hole. “They’re coming.”
Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let any of them come to the Hospital Wing with her but she spared a quick smile for Remus. “Head as hard as rock, dear.”
“But we have to go!” James protested, following her down the corridor. “He needs us!”
“No, Mr Potter. And take that thing off your ear.”
“My ear?” James repeated blankly and felt the side of his head. He came away with Lily’s bra. “My ear?”
“It suits you,” Lily said coolly and took it back.
Remus smiled weakly at them both and then turned back to watching Sirius disappear down the corridor.
“He’ll be fine,” Lily said. “It’s just the flu. Sirius style.”
“Right,” James said. “Now in. Have you seen the state of this room? I shall be taking points!”
“You will not, James Potter!”
Remus followed them in reluctantly. He supposed that, even on his worst days, he didn’t really want to feed Sirius to the acromantula.
Rating: PG/PG-13 (for language)
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I'm just borrowing them.
Wordcount: 3284
Prompt: Rain on the windows.
Notes: Sixth year. Sirius Black hates being introspective. Luckily, he's evolved a way to drive it out of his mind. James, Remus and Lily are just trying to survive to the end of the day. Exceedingly silly. (For information, Hogwarts has been struck by a flu epidemic. As a consequence, all unaffected sixth and seventh years have been appointed interim prefects)
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It had been one of those days. One of the days when Remus forgot that he was more than half in love with Sirius Black; one of those days when it didn’t matter that he was desperate to touch him, that he wanted to wrap himself around that warm elegance and rub against him, that he loved the way he had walked away from his home, for friendship’s sake, and was infuriated by the way he refused to admit he was upset about it. It was one of those days when he couldn’t even be diverted by that stupid, alluring thing Sirius did with his bum when he was thinking and forgot he wasn’t Padfoot and didn’t have a tail.
In short, it was one of those days when all he wanted to do with Sirius Black was gag him, tie him to a tree in the Forbidden Forest and leave him for the acromantula.
It had begun well with a rather engrossing dream involving a naked Sirius sprawled by a bonfire, begging Remus to cover him in charcoal. Remus had just reached his thighs when he was awoken by an enormous black dog landing on his chest and drooling on his face.
He had yelped and flailed but the dog was already gone. After a moment he heard James howl and Padfoot went streaking back to his own bed, barking wildly.
There was a thump of footsteps and one of the Seventh Year boys burst in. “What the hell are you little shits doing? Have you got a dog in here?”
“A dog?” Sirius said, sitting on the end of his bed, looking dangerously angelic. “You’re hearing things, Turner. Why would we have a dog in here?”
“Because you’re a load of freaks,” the Seventh Year snarled and slammed out again.
At breakfast Sirius decided to burn that day’s letter before the owl delivered it. The owl, who had been in the Black family for years, dodged and kept coming. The resulting air battle finished off three milk jugs, two tureens of porridge and a platter. The bacon which had been on the platter reformed into a battalion of tiny, flying pigs which attacked the owl from both flanks. Three banners caught fire, two Hufflepuffs acquired green hair and a jar of plum jam sprouted a substantial tree, causing the Ravenclaw table to collapse under its weight. Even so, there was a round of applause when Sirius hit the target and the letter exploded into a rain of purple stars. The owl soared away again with a disdainful glare.
Lily got to Sirius before Professor McGonagall, who was still fighting off flying pigs. When she launched into a lecture on cruelty to helpless beasts, Sirius obligingly stripped to his drawers to display the scars that particular owl had given him when it attacked him in the bath when he was ten.
In Potions, Sirius brewed away happily. Remus, who had only just scraped into the NEWT class, couldn’t spare the attention to watch him and trusted he was suitably distracted. He didn’t think that Polyjuice Potion was meant to be turquoise but his own was a rather odd shade of green, despite Lily’s help.
It wasn’t until the cauldron began to belch that Remus reconsidered. He grabbed Lily’s arm and gestured. She looked over his shoulder and then her eyes widened before she grabbed him and James with an arm each and dragged them under the bench.
The explosion a few moments later toppled every stool in the room, coated the ceiling with glowing slime and made everyone still standing burst into spontaneous song. Sirius chortled happily.
In Defence Against the Dark Arts, the new professor, who obviously hadn’t been warned about Sirius Black, set them to subduing pixies with non-verbal magic. Sirius smiled and transfigured all the chalk in the room into miniature bows and arrows.
Professor Gibbon, fighting off attack from the air, failed to notice that Sirius’ inkwell was full of paraffin until he set it alight.
“Mr Black! What are you-”
“Let him have it, boys,” Sirius commanded, waving his wand like a baton and tossing pencils to the pixies.
“Mr Black! Cease this immediately or I will be forced to give you detention!”
“Can I pencil you in for Sunday, sir. Professor McGonagall’s booked tomorrow and Professor Slughorn expects me Saturday.”
Remus ducked a flaming pencil and crawled across the floor to where James had taken cover with Lily and the other Gryffindor girls.
“Has he lost his mind?” Lily demanded. James was looking shifty.
“Long ago,” Remus muttered and took aim at a pixie. “Aquajaculare!”
“I love that one,” Lily said and smirked. “It always makes men blush. Aquajaculare!”
James, faintly scarlet, grabbed his wand and took aim.
Thankfully, it was raining too hard to go outside for Care of Magical Creatures. Professor Kettleburn set them to noting a chapter on Augerey metabolism. Sirius sat meekly in the corner, as if he wasn’t aware that the rest of the class were paying more attention to him than the textbook. Every few minutes he tore a strip off the bottom of his scroll and wrote something on it. Then he twisted the strip in half, set it down on the floor, and sent it scuttling out of the room. Remus pitied the recipients but was rather relieved to be spared himself.
He scribbled a note and wafted it across. Do you want to be in detention forever?
Sirius considered it, wrote something and passed it back. Want to join me?
Remus glared at him and shook his head. Sirius pouted and tickled his textbook. It snapped at him affectionately. He grinned and reached into his pocket for a handful of leaves.
“Oh, shit,” James said audibly. “Not the catnip.”
“Mr Potter?”
Sirius’ textbook burped and then launched itself into mid-air, pages rustling.
“Feet up!” James yelled as it hit the floor at a run. The textbook turned, teeth gnashing, and wove between the desks, hunting for exposed flesh. The room filled with shrieks and shouts as various hexes were hurled at it. The book dodged them all and fixed its attention on Professor Kettleburn, who was charging forward to meet it. The book purred and settled back, spine tensing as it prepared to launch.
Kettleburn brought his hands up to protect his face and Remus, who had discovered the catnip effect in the first place, shouted, “Professor, no! It’s not aiming that high!”
But it was too late. Kettleburn’s howl of agony echoed around the classroom and Remus winced. He was pretty sure he wasn’t the only bloke in the room crossing his legs right now.
“Shall I get Madam Pomfrey, sir?” Sirius enquired politely.
At lunch, McGonagall marched Sirius off to a table on his own. He went happily enough. Remus took a moment to stare up at the grey clouds above and then said to James, “Have you any idea what’s wrong with him?”
“Ah,” James said and took an unnecessarily large mouthful of steak and kidney pie.
“Prongs.”
James shrugged. “Had a bit of a talk, yesterday.”
“I knew you were just bunking Charms. Ill, my arse. What’s wrong with him?”
“Can’t tell you. Not my secret.”
Remus felt his stomach go cold. He hadn’t meant to cling to Sirius in the night. He’d hoped Sirius didn’t mind. “Oh,” he said and prodded his potatoes. “Did you give him advice?”
“Slightly.”
“You know what that does to him. Did he admit to anything, y’know, he wouldn’t be happy about?”
“Moony. Don’t ask. I can’t tell you.”
Shit. Double-shit. Trying to ignore what that implied about Sirius’ opinion of him, he said, “You twat. You know he goes insane whenever someone’s forced him to be introspective.”
“He might have grown out of it,” James said feebly.
“The last time was August!”
“August was a long time ago. Oh, shit, look at Regulus.”
Remus looked. Regulus Black stood in the doorway of the Great Hall. His hair was green, his robes were red and his eyebrows had sprouted ringlets. Every piece of exposed skin was covered in boils and he left a trail of blue slime as he moved. Remus could smell the sulphur from here.
Sirius grinned at him and waved chirpily.
Remus closed his eyes and put his head down on the table.
He had some respite after lunch, when Sirius was in Divination and James was in Herbology. Lily took pity on him and found other topics of conversation for the whole of their Runes class. It didn’t hide the way that everyone else was murmuring about Sirius but it helped.
“Did you hear about Snape?” she asked.
“No,” Remus said. “He wasn’t at lunch.”
“Collapsed in Advanced Potions.”
“The flu?”
“Not just. It turns out he’s had it as long as Narcissa but has been making himself potions to hold the symptoms off.”
“He poisoned himself?” Remus asked, brightening.
“Snape? No. The flu caught up. All he managed to do was intensify it. I heard he’s been rushed out to St Mungo’s.”
“At least that’s one less person who’s going to want revenge,” Remus said glumly as the bell went. “Braced for Transfiguration?”
Lily winced. “If all three of us jump him in the corridor, I can grab his wand and you can stun him. I’m sure McGonagall won’t mind if he’s unconscious.”
“It never works,” Remus said. “His reflexes are too good.”
When they joined him in the Transfiguration classroom, Sirius was smiling serenely. His eyes were bright and he seemed flushed. The rest of his Divination class were eyeing him sourly.
“Padfoot?” James said cautiously.
“Beware!” Sirius said, rolling his Rs. “Beware the Grim.”
Remus didn’t want to know any more than that.
Transfiguration turned out to be a pleasantly uneventful class for Remus, mainly because Sirius turned him into a hamster in the first five minutes. He promptly went to sleep on his desk, lulled by the drumbeat of the rain on the windows. James had to wake him up at the end of the lesson by taking his shoes off and tickling his feet.
“Piss off, Padfoot,” Remus muttered. “I’m not sharing.”
“What did he say?” Lily demanded and Remus jerked awake.
“I didn’t hear anything,” James said blandly and Remus thought, Oh, fuck, Sirius told him.
“Where’s Padfoot?” he asked.
“Yvonne lured him back to the tower with chocolate cake,” Lily said.
“I’m tying him to the bed tonight,” Remus said grumpily.
James jumped.
“Because there won’t be a castle left in the morning if we don’t,” Remus added, scowling at him.
Trying to do homework in the same room as Sirius wasn’t easy at the best of times. Tonight, it could only be described as challenging. James, the git, charged him to keep Sirius confined and went off with Lily on her prefect patrols.
Remus bribed a couple of firsties to sit with their legs across the portrait hole and made a start on the mountain of homework they’d been given that day. He bloody well wasn’t going to let Sirius copy it either.
Sirius demonstrated his ability to write names on the wall with spit pumpkin juice, stuck a couple of second-years to the ceiling, unleashed a few pixies he’d somehow saved from Defence, drew obscene pictures on the windows, recited the first six hundred lines of Beowulf in Old English whilst standing on someone’s divination homework, did a lengthy and loud impression of the fate of Professor Kettleburn, passed around a bottle of firewhiskey Remus was sure he had pilfered from Peter and sang the whole of Dancing Queen in a shrill soprano.
“Why hasn’t someone given him detention tonight?” Yvonne Hazledene demanded.
“Would you want to be alone in a room with him while he’s in this state?” Remus asked.
“They’re teachers.”
“That doesn’t mean they’re completely insane. How many t’s in transmutation?”
“Four, I think.”
“Where’s the applause? Applaud, everyone! Come on - altogether now - You can dance, you can jive…”
“Can’t you stop him?” Yvonne demanded.
“Not when he’s this far gone. Most common hexes bounce off him.”
“…See that girl, watch that scene…”
“Remus, please!”
He sighed and put down his essay. “Sirius! Your image is in tatters!”
“Remus! Why aren’t you dancing?”
Thankfully, James and Lily erupted back into the Common Room, sending Kingsley Shacklebolt flying.
“You imbecile!” Lily shrieked.
“They were deliberately breaking rules!” James protested, puffing his chest out. “Devious little Slytherin gits! They knew I couldn’t take points!”
“That didn’t mean you had to turn them blue!”
“I wasn’t going to let them get away with it. Be reasonable, Lily.”
“Reasonable!”
Remus peered over the top of the sofa in time to see James make a fatal error.
“And don’t do that thing with your hair!” Lily threw her arms into the air. “Honestly, James Potter! I thought you’d changed!”
“Lily-”
“I don’t want to know!”
“Fine!” James snapped. “I would have thought you’d appreciate some help in a crisis. Obviously not!”
“You call that help?”
“I’m not listening.” James stalked away.
Lily snarled and stormed away to the far corner of the room where she was welcomed into a gaggle of girls.
James flung himself onto the sofa beside Remus. “Girls! I will never understand girls!”
Remus shrugged.
“You’re meant to say, ‘That’s because they don’t make sense.’ C’mon, Remus, keep up.”
“That’s Peter’s line,” Remus said and Yvonne rose huffily.
“You’re no good,” James muttered. “Where’s Padfoot?”
It had gone dangerously quiet. The singing had stopped.
Then there was an outraged feminine scream from the far corner. James and Remus sat up to look.
“He’s stealing bras again,” Remus said.
James settled down. “That should keep him happy for a while. Is he slowing down yet?”
“Nope. Can you not even give me a hint? If it’s this bad, I’m expecting him to take off for Bermuda tomorrow morning. Where he’ll rename himself Tallulah and make a living serving drinks in cheap bars.”
James flinched.
Remus was beginning to get really worried.
There was another scream. “Sirius Black, I hate you.”
Remus heard a low chuckle and was in time to see Sirius duck under a table. He watched him creep the length of the common room and then stick the tip of his wand out. Lucille Oliphant had her arms crossed over her breasts and was scanning the room with suspicion. Unfortunately, she didn’t look down. There was a faint pop and her bra came slithering out of her sleeve, straight to Sirius’ wand. He chortled and slid away.
“Maybe we should take him out for a run,” James said.
“Have you seen the rain?”
“Damn.”
Remus went back to his essay. James glared across the room at the back of Lily’s head. Sirius kept collecting.
You could get used to the screams. It was like the rain, a vaguely comforting background when you were trying to think.
“Aha! Full house! I win!”
Sirius burst out from under the table. Every girl in Gryffindor levelled her wand. Sirius yelped, threw the bundle of bras at James’ head and dived for the sofa, grabbing at Remus.
“Save me! Be my shield!”
There were girls coming at him from every angle. Remus, who wasn’t as convinced of his value as a human shield as Sirius seemed to be, dived under the sofa. Sirius came with him.
“Black! Lupin!” James wailed. “Don’t leave me!”
Sirius hugged Remus to him gleefully and then took off under the chairs, squirming on his belly.
James cleared his throat. “Well, ladies, here I am. Help yourselves.”
Sirius had been far too hot. Abandoning James to his fate, Remus took off after him, wincing as he caught a still tender scar on the bottom of a chair.
Sirius dodged right and turned to grin back at Remus. His eyes were bright and his face was red and glistening. He never usually broke a sweat at the bra game. Remus sped up.
Sirius chortled and dodged again, between the legs of an unsuspecting fourth-year.
“Argh! Black, what the fuck-”
Forced to dodge, Remus almost lost him.
“Just one left!” James said. “Any claimers? Come on, ladies, 32C, embroidered with butterflies. Pretty, shiny butterflies. Just the right size, in my informed opinion. Any claimers?”
“Potter,” Lily grated.
Sirius leapt to his feet and lunged onto the table. Remus shot after him and jammed between two high-backed armchairs.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,” Sirius roared. “Perverts and pervees! I have an announcement to make!”
Everyone turned to stare.
Sirius threw his arms out. “I am - I am-”
He paused.
“Get on with it!” Someone shouted.
“I am - I am really not quite myself.” Then he swayed.
“Sirius!” Remus squeaked, struggling to get free.
“Achoo!”
The force of the sneeze sent him staggering backwards. He scrabbled for balance on the edge of the table and then toppled backwards, his arms spread wide.
Twenty spells slowed his fall but he hit the stacked desks behind with a crash. His head cracked audibly against the wood and he halted, still and silent.
There was a shocked silence and then someone screamed. Remus shoved the chairs away with a force he didn’t know he possessed and threw himself across the room.
“Shacklebolt!” James roared. “Pomfrey! Now! Move back, everyone!”
One of the girls had got there first and she looked up as Remus dropped beside her. “He’s still breathing.”
There was blood on the tables.
“Steady,” Lily said quietly in his ear. “Head wounds bleed a lot.”
“I know,” Remus said and she squeezed his shoulder. Remus took a breath and tried to shove down panic. He knew about wounds. He’d had enough of them. There was no reason to panic.
Except this was Sirius and Sirius wasn’t meant to lie that still.
“We need to move him,” James said.
Lily nodded. “Immobilise him first. We don’t know what he’s broken.”
“Somebody clear the table off,” James snapped. “Remus, can you ice over the cut until Pomfrey gets here.”
Remus nodded and dug his wand out. It wasn’t until he pointed it at Sirius that he realised how much his hand was shaking. He whispered the spell and sighed in relief when Sirius flinched a little at the cold.
They moved him very carefully onto the table, six of them working the spell from all sides to keep him level. Remus couldn’t look at the mess they left behind.
Lily peered at him. “His breathing’s okay. I think he just knocked himself silly.”
“He was silly already,” Remus said and was horrified to hear how thick his voice was.
James and Lily closed ranks around him.
“Where the hell is Shacklebolt?” James demanded.
Yvonne was leaning out the portrait hole. “They’re coming.”
Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let any of them come to the Hospital Wing with her but she spared a quick smile for Remus. “Head as hard as rock, dear.”
“But we have to go!” James protested, following her down the corridor. “He needs us!”
“No, Mr Potter. And take that thing off your ear.”
“My ear?” James repeated blankly and felt the side of his head. He came away with Lily’s bra. “My ear?”
“It suits you,” Lily said coolly and took it back.
Remus smiled weakly at them both and then turned back to watching Sirius disappear down the corridor.
“He’ll be fine,” Lily said. “It’s just the flu. Sirius style.”
“Right,” James said. “Now in. Have you seen the state of this room? I shall be taking points!”
“You will not, James Potter!”
Remus followed them in reluctantly. He supposed that, even on his worst days, he didn’t really want to feed Sirius to the acromantula.