fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck you.
wanted to crawl under a rock about a million times today. or try to fit under the bed but that didn't work to well. other than it being pretty shitty my day was absolutely amusing the whole time and two/three hours of it was great. first i had a 'lovely' feild trip to whatever its called. that was the best thing ever. ha ha ha. i found my new hero and her name cannot be mentioned because...well its a long story and i think she might need to go into the witness protection program. (if i love you im sure i would tell you the details.) then i got to spend the best and worst three hours of my life with the bestest girl EVER. we had an absolutely amazing time. yes? god i love you. wow i dont think ive laughed that hard or much in a long long long time. thank you. oh man i still cant get over it. ahhahahhahaa. wanted to shoot myself and die but hey it was so fucking worth it. i love you. hahahahahha except no more bleach and/or other chemicals. i already lose my mind on my own thank you. (and i have decided we are so being roomies when we move out because if we had that much fun everyday i would die very very happy.)
so why do i feel sick to my stomach. and why do i want to throw up constantly. and why am i on the verge of tears 24/7. and why does every fucking thing make my stomach turn. cant eat. cant sleep. doubt its that feeling tho. cant talk my way out of anything. cant breathe without feeling like my chest weighs a ton. cant swallow without choking. cant close my eyes without fearing. cant look to the sky without thinking. so if this is what i want why am i not fucking happy. if this is so fucking right then why do all sings point to wrong. if this is so amazing why does it feel like absolute shit. if it takes the edge off everything then why the fuck am i still feeling. why the fuck am i still here. why the fuck do i let myself settle. i hate fucking settling for anything i know i can do. so why do i let myself. because i dont know anything different because i cant lift my head above the water because im stuck because i cant take anymore. and because i am me and you are you. it will never change.
i think i am so swept up in lying to her that im starting to believe myself.
and that makes me want to throw up.
im becoming too much like her/him.
and i despise her/him more than anything.
its been a week... a fucking week... a fucking week from hell.
i miss him. i saw a butterfly today and i know it was him. just showing me its alright.
i wish he was still here. for them. i dont think its going to well for them. that scares me.