o94; [ activity and memories ]
Curses, visitors, hallucinations... this has been one hectic month, hasn't it? But it seems that it hasn't been quite so terrible as one would think. And I got to see and spend time with Axl, that's more than I could honestly -ever- ask for.
Ah... to those at Hymns of Lorelei, I'm going to be getting longer hours at the hospital now, so I think it's probably best that I hand over kitchen duty to someone who will be present there. I'll still help when I can, of course, Guy and I did handle the kitchen, but I think it'd be better if I didn't promise hours I couldn't keep.
Thank you, though, for having had me as long as you did. I'll still be around, just not as much as I used to be! It's gotten so terribly busy these days and I wouldn't be a good healer if I didn't look to my patients!
|| filtered from delilah and known millennium ||
Nanoha will be staying with us now-- goodness, it's like having a celebrity stay over! Especially after everything Vivio has told us! Well, I know that I am free this weekend and we certainly do need to have a proper house-warming, don't we? ♥ D.S, A.B.A, Vivio, what do you say?
My hands feel so much better now. I think the shock's worn off... perhaps I'll go perform once more now.
private || thoughts || unhackable
It happened again, that period of time where everyone came to visit, at the beginning of this month. It was oddly refreshing this time around, and so many old and new faces were present to meet... Zelos and Lloyd came back, those silly boys-- and Axl too. Mieu, Kon, Tsuzuki... Evey, Ky, Tamaki, Shido, Megumi, Ciel...
Even Samara...
It reminded me of just how long I'd been here. I wonder if there's a reason as to why so many of us don't get to go home, and some do.
And the more I stay here, the more I grow here, the more I wonder about the reality I left behind. Has that too, changed? Was the daughter whose memories I came to this City with and no longer have something of a symbol to who I know will come in the future? Time and reality works so strangely... but that's what brought me here in the first place, didn't it?
I've grown here, learned things here that I could have never learned at home. I've been able to enhance my magic with real teachers of it as opposed to limiting it as I would have... this City has given me a lot more than I care to owe it, and it scares me when I think of it. Am I already owing it too much now?
I'm glad Guy came by. We got our closure... and Daryan as well. I hope... ah, it'd be selfish to wish for too much there, wouldn't it? Heh.
I'm rather shameless, though, aren't I? The other night, I claimed Cain as my heir. Just because I wanted someone to fill that emptiness and fear that made me act in such insecure ways. Now, with him as my heir, I don't have to fear my magic being abused-- I don't have to fear him. I never did fear him as a human, but the things he gained in the power of knowledge, those things, I have feared and hated him for.
You can't stop me now, Alexis Hargreaves. I've given what you wanted to someone you will never even think of looking at to take it from.
And I won't let you take anything from me again. It's not yours, not this City's-- it's mine, and it will remain mine.
Axl... can you still love me, despite all this. Even after I told you what you needed to know, even after I...
This is only one reality out of the many that you're creating for yourself, luv. But I'd like to think I've grown well here, even if...
Even if I've done things that will make you question me as someone who loves you. So many have come and gone, Axl. I don't know if saying I love you holds the same weight after the kinds of things I've gone through here, willingly and unwillingly, the kinds of things I acted upon as a person with needs. There was Light, back then, and Ky who I wish had never left... There was Daryan-- who I felt a kinship with, enough to want his company and emotions more than I could control, who I allowed more than I should have given and don't regret, and there was Guy... Guy who deserved so much better than what I am...
And there's Cain. I worry that what we've done now will distance us more than draw us closer, but at least he can shut off the connection he has with me, who would want to feel like they're constantly hounded by their friends when they want to be alone? But I did it... I made my pact with him. I've bound myself to him.
He's precious to me, Axl. I won't lie, he's... someone I've needed. I don't know what to call him. A son, a lover, a friend, a brother? It's so confusing, but I want it. I've wanted it. It hasn't stopped me from feeling affection and emotions for others either, mind... but it's what I would have given you and more.
But you're not here.
You haven't been for so long that I've lost hope. I can smile for you, love you when you return, and there's no one who will be you for me. You can count on that, luv.
But for all the others who deserve so much better, so do you. I wonder, Axl... will you still love me in this reality, as I have become? Knowing that in this reality, two from our time as well have expressed emotions similar to yours? Zappa, and Ky... I...
Help me, Axl. I want you to be happy...
But I'm not afraid to say that I want my own happiness too when I can have it.
I wonder if this just makes me a hypocrite, above everything.
I'm beginning to hate feeling so much love at all-- I'm no better than a parasite, at this rate--
...!! I need to stop. I need to stop now.
I'm not going to die. It's a promise. I won't.
Vivio... yes. I have Vivio. And Nanoha's here for her too... and A.B.A...
If I left, they'd all be fine, and that's more than what I can ask for at this point.
But Cain..
/private
[ ooc; private cut is tl;dr filled with emotions and thoughts all built up and released. ): She's also going to start researching ways out of the City now. Her story is on its last chapter, so get all the fun you can while she stays! She's not leaving yet (won't be for a bit), but all things have their end, and the development is just right at this point. (:
Also at work, but I'll tag in the evening!! BACK. ]
Ah... to those at Hymns of Lorelei, I'm going to be getting longer hours at the hospital now, so I think it's probably best that I hand over kitchen duty to someone who will be present there. I'll still help when I can, of course, Guy and I did handle the kitchen, but I think it'd be better if I didn't promise hours I couldn't keep.
Thank you, though, for having had me as long as you did. I'll still be around, just not as much as I used to be! It's gotten so terribly busy these days and I wouldn't be a good healer if I didn't look to my patients!
|| filtered from delilah and known millennium ||
Nanoha will be staying with us now-- goodness, it's like having a celebrity stay over! Especially after everything Vivio has told us! Well, I know that I am free this weekend and we certainly do need to have a proper house-warming, don't we? ♥ D.S, A.B.A, Vivio, what do you say?
My hands feel so much better now. I think the shock's worn off... perhaps I'll go perform once more now.
private || thoughts || unhackable
It happened again, that period of time where everyone came to visit, at the beginning of this month. It was oddly refreshing this time around, and so many old and new faces were present to meet... Zelos and Lloyd came back, those silly boys-- and Axl too. Mieu, Kon, Tsuzuki... Evey, Ky, Tamaki, Shido, Megumi, Ciel...
Even Samara...
It reminded me of just how long I'd been here. I wonder if there's a reason as to why so many of us don't get to go home, and some do.
And the more I stay here, the more I grow here, the more I wonder about the reality I left behind. Has that too, changed? Was the daughter whose memories I came to this City with and no longer have something of a symbol to who I know will come in the future? Time and reality works so strangely... but that's what brought me here in the first place, didn't it?
I've grown here, learned things here that I could have never learned at home. I've been able to enhance my magic with real teachers of it as opposed to limiting it as I would have... this City has given me a lot more than I care to owe it, and it scares me when I think of it. Am I already owing it too much now?
I'm glad Guy came by. We got our closure... and Daryan as well. I hope... ah, it'd be selfish to wish for too much there, wouldn't it? Heh.
I'm rather shameless, though, aren't I? The other night, I claimed Cain as my heir. Just because I wanted someone to fill that emptiness and fear that made me act in such insecure ways. Now, with him as my heir, I don't have to fear my magic being abused-- I don't have to fear him. I never did fear him as a human, but the things he gained in the power of knowledge, those things, I have feared and hated him for.
You can't stop me now, Alexis Hargreaves. I've given what you wanted to someone you will never even think of looking at to take it from.
And I won't let you take anything from me again. It's not yours, not this City's-- it's mine, and it will remain mine.
Axl... can you still love me, despite all this. Even after I told you what you needed to know, even after I...
This is only one reality out of the many that you're creating for yourself, luv. But I'd like to think I've grown well here, even if...
Even if I've done things that will make you question me as someone who loves you. So many have come and gone, Axl. I don't know if saying I love you holds the same weight after the kinds of things I've gone through here, willingly and unwillingly, the kinds of things I acted upon as a person with needs. There was Light, back then, and Ky who I wish had never left... There was Daryan-- who I felt a kinship with, enough to want his company and emotions more than I could control, who I allowed more than I should have given and don't regret, and there was Guy... Guy who deserved so much better than what I am...
And there's Cain. I worry that what we've done now will distance us more than draw us closer, but at least he can shut off the connection he has with me, who would want to feel like they're constantly hounded by their friends when they want to be alone? But I did it... I made my pact with him. I've bound myself to him.
He's precious to me, Axl. I won't lie, he's... someone I've needed. I don't know what to call him. A son, a lover, a friend, a brother? It's so confusing, but I want it. I've wanted it. It hasn't stopped me from feeling affection and emotions for others either, mind... but it's what I would have given you and more.
But you're not here.
You haven't been for so long that I've lost hope. I can smile for you, love you when you return, and there's no one who will be you for me. You can count on that, luv.
But for all the others who deserve so much better, so do you. I wonder, Axl... will you still love me in this reality, as I have become? Knowing that in this reality, two from our time as well have expressed emotions similar to yours? Zappa, and Ky... I...
Help me, Axl. I want you to be happy...
But I'm not afraid to say that I want my own happiness too when I can have it.
I wonder if this just makes me a hypocrite, above everything.
I'm beginning to hate feeling so much love at all-- I'm no better than a parasite, at this rate--
...!! I need to stop. I need to stop now.
I'm not going to die. It's a promise. I won't.
Vivio... yes. I have Vivio. And Nanoha's here for her too... and A.B.A...
If I left, they'd all be fine, and that's more than what I can ask for at this point.
But Cain..
/private
[ ooc; private cut is tl;dr filled with emotions and thoughts all built up and released. ): She's also going to start researching ways out of the City now. Her story is on its last chapter, so get all the fun you can while she stays! She's not leaving yet (won't be for a bit), but all things have their end, and the development is just right at this point. (:
Also at work, but I'll tag in the evening!! BACK. ]