I'M FUCKIN INSANE SO LOCK ME THE FUCK UP!!!
FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK TTTTTTHHHHHHIIIIIISSSSSS!!!!!!
I really don't see the point in doing this livejournal shit. No one ever comments on mine so I'm basically talking to myself. W/e I guess that's how it usually goes anyways. But also I have soo much to fuckin say and I don't know how to say it. I can't word it all, there is too mucht that it is overwhelming. So much has gone on between me and Brian. All the emotions I feel, I can't even describe to you. I'm not even sure how I feel. I try to tell myself I don't care that they are going out but if I don't care why do I feel the need to cry about it, to feel awful and want to die over it. So I do care,. I need to make up my mind. Sometimes I care somwtimes I don't. I don't even know why I care. There are all these possibilities why I care, Because I have wanted to be with him for almost a year and though he said we had a really really good chance in never happened. Because she gets to do all the things with him that I have always wanted to do. Because I still have the deepest feelings ever for him. Becasue I considered them to be my friends and they BOTH lied to me. She said she promised she would never go out with him I'm here best friend and she knew how much I liked him. And when I told him I found out about them he responded with something along the lines of you weren't soposed to find out. Great so they say they didnt intend to hurt me but of course keeping it a secret will hurt me so they did intend to hurt me? Why can't I let this go why do am I all mixed up and confused. He confuses me I confuse myself. I fuckin hate this I wish it would end. It feels like I don't care but I want to care so I force myself to care. Omg I can go on for days trying to grasp how I feel. Now that me n Brian are talking again, everything has gotten more emotional and confused. I should have just stuck with not talking to him, like I was doing and like I planned.
I haven't eaten since about 9:00 last night. so that's about what 18 hours? I can still go without food. I don't feel like eating. I'm not hungry. I can't decide wether my comfort is not eating or eating when I'm upset. God it varies all th time I can't even make up my mind about that! What the hell is wrong with me.
I Can't do this anymore. I need to move away start my life over. I wish I could forget about all of this every memory or them gone from my head. Erase them. Gone forever. And yet after all of this I still want to be friends with Brian. I thuink well he could end up likeing me one day then what would I do then? I like hanging out with him but seeing him and even talking to him hurt me so bad i just want to cry. And I never EVER thught about becoming friends with Krista again. Last night Brian broke up with her(but today I find out as of about 10:30 they are going back out) and Brian is begging me to be freinds with her again. He was saying how she was really upset and needed a friend. FUCK THAT!! FUCK THAT! FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT!. I had a dream last night that involved Krista and me becoming friends. NEVER WILL THAT EVER HAPPEN AGAINI I WILL NEVER BE HER FRIEND EVER! why did I even think that? yea i miss the fun times we used to have wen we hung out but that's all.
I'm going to completely flip out one of these days. I was in tears last night. soo close to a breakdown but I held it all back. I sucked it up and now I want to let it all go but I can't I've packed it deep down that it won't come out until something triggers it.
I have a fuckin problem! I don't think I'll ever let this go. I'll be dealing with this my whole life thinking about all the 'what ifs' and wanting to change the past. I dwell on it too much. My grades are starting to slip in spanish and that was my BEST class!!! Its all I ever think abuut anymore. All I ever want to do is be with him. No matter everything that has happened I want to be with him. I want things to be back the way they were.
I get so upset where I'm digging my nails into my skin trying to not find something anything and just carve. CARVE THE FUCK OUT OF MYSELF! I don't fuckin care anymore. I know that i've spent too much energy wasted on them an this. I'm not jealous but then again I to some degree I am. She has what I have wanted for THE longest time. that is the jealousy part. the rest is anger hurt and betrayel both lied to me stabbed me in the back. I considered them friends n her my BEST friend. what happens? I THINK YOU KNOW!!! omg I can't do this too much too much I can't let it go.
NEVER CAN I LET THIS GO!!!!
It has been exactly 17 hours and 26 minutes since I have last eaten. I'm nopt really hungry but I'm going to eat anyways. At this point right now I can find comfort in food or by not eating. either suits me just fuckin fine. tons of food or no fuckin food at all I'm perfectly fine.
FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK YYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!
XO
Melanie
I really don't see the point in doing this livejournal shit. No one ever comments on mine so I'm basically talking to myself. W/e I guess that's how it usually goes anyways. But also I have soo much to fuckin say and I don't know how to say it. I can't word it all, there is too mucht that it is overwhelming. So much has gone on between me and Brian. All the emotions I feel, I can't even describe to you. I'm not even sure how I feel. I try to tell myself I don't care that they are going out but if I don't care why do I feel the need to cry about it, to feel awful and want to die over it. So I do care,. I need to make up my mind. Sometimes I care somwtimes I don't. I don't even know why I care. There are all these possibilities why I care, Because I have wanted to be with him for almost a year and though he said we had a really really good chance in never happened. Because she gets to do all the things with him that I have always wanted to do. Because I still have the deepest feelings ever for him. Becasue I considered them to be my friends and they BOTH lied to me. She said she promised she would never go out with him I'm here best friend and she knew how much I liked him. And when I told him I found out about them he responded with something along the lines of you weren't soposed to find out. Great so they say they didnt intend to hurt me but of course keeping it a secret will hurt me so they did intend to hurt me? Why can't I let this go why do am I all mixed up and confused. He confuses me I confuse myself. I fuckin hate this I wish it would end. It feels like I don't care but I want to care so I force myself to care. Omg I can go on for days trying to grasp how I feel. Now that me n Brian are talking again, everything has gotten more emotional and confused. I should have just stuck with not talking to him, like I was doing and like I planned.
I haven't eaten since about 9:00 last night. so that's about what 18 hours? I can still go without food. I don't feel like eating. I'm not hungry. I can't decide wether my comfort is not eating or eating when I'm upset. God it varies all th time I can't even make up my mind about that! What the hell is wrong with me.
I Can't do this anymore. I need to move away start my life over. I wish I could forget about all of this every memory or them gone from my head. Erase them. Gone forever. And yet after all of this I still want to be friends with Brian. I thuink well he could end up likeing me one day then what would I do then? I like hanging out with him but seeing him and even talking to him hurt me so bad i just want to cry. And I never EVER thught about becoming friends with Krista again. Last night Brian broke up with her(but today I find out as of about 10:30 they are going back out) and Brian is begging me to be freinds with her again. He was saying how she was really upset and needed a friend. FUCK THAT!! FUCK THAT! FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT!. I had a dream last night that involved Krista and me becoming friends. NEVER WILL THAT EVER HAPPEN AGAINI I WILL NEVER BE HER FRIEND EVER! why did I even think that? yea i miss the fun times we used to have wen we hung out but that's all.
I'm going to completely flip out one of these days. I was in tears last night. soo close to a breakdown but I held it all back. I sucked it up and now I want to let it all go but I can't I've packed it deep down that it won't come out until something triggers it.
I have a fuckin problem! I don't think I'll ever let this go. I'll be dealing with this my whole life thinking about all the 'what ifs' and wanting to change the past. I dwell on it too much. My grades are starting to slip in spanish and that was my BEST class!!! Its all I ever think abuut anymore. All I ever want to do is be with him. No matter everything that has happened I want to be with him. I want things to be back the way they were.
I get so upset where I'm digging my nails into my skin trying to not find something anything and just carve. CARVE THE FUCK OUT OF MYSELF! I don't fuckin care anymore. I know that i've spent too much energy wasted on them an this. I'm not jealous but then again I to some degree I am. She has what I have wanted for THE longest time. that is the jealousy part. the rest is anger hurt and betrayel both lied to me stabbed me in the back. I considered them friends n her my BEST friend. what happens? I THINK YOU KNOW!!! omg I can't do this too much too much I can't let it go.
NEVER CAN I LET THIS GO!!!!
It has been exactly 17 hours and 26 minutes since I have last eaten. I'm nopt really hungry but I'm going to eat anyways. At this point right now I can find comfort in food or by not eating. either suits me just fuckin fine. tons of food or no fuckin food at all I'm perfectly fine.
FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK YYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!
XO
Melanie