Now what?!
Happiness is...
- somewhere else, tonight
The husband is feeling hugely undervalued. Again. And I really don't know if I have the energy to make the effort to make him feel better.
And I have to admit that everything he says is right. I don't suggest meeting up for lunch. I don't suggest cosy walks along the river. I don't sit up all night talking to him about everything and nothing. But neither does fucking he! And a couple of times lately I've stayed awake to talk to him. Not all night but I have work!
Since The Wayne Conversation when he said that he did like cuddles all the time, I've been glued to his side on the couch except when we're eating. Somehow, that got forgotten.
And even before The Wayne Conversation, I'd stopped getting out of my work clothes as soon as I got home because he likes to see me dressed nicely and I always dress nicely for work. Was there a mention of that? No.
I have also been playing much less on the PS2 and usually only come on the laptop when he goes to clean the church. Again, that seems to have gone unnoticed but the fact that I disappeared upstairs or behind the laptop used to be one of his pet gripes.
The other day he sent a barrage of mushy poems and cards via e-mail. Being the non-romantic that I am, and being pushed for time that day but not wanting to ignore his gesture completely, I wrote back that he was a sloshy bastard. Bit of a joke whilst still acknowledging what he'd sent? No - a complete rejection. And of course, I only send e-cards when he does - except the one I sent the other day (and a handful of others, I believe, but of course not recently) that was out of the blue.
I get that he's insecure. He admits that himself. But does he think I'm only here to pass the time?! There are other ways I could do that that would be 5,000 times more fun, for fuck's sake. Wayne is absolutely no threat to him - and neither is any other bloke. Unless he turns them into one by obsessing about it.
But I do think I should have a better answer for why I'm here than 'because I want to be'. Why do I want to be? What does he offer me except an enormous headache, financially as well as emotionally?
I have always allowed him to just be him. I make no demands, ask nothing in return. But I feel as if I'm always having to live up to some image he has of me - an image I will inevitably fall short of because it isn't fucking ME!!!
There are things I enjoy that he doesn't, but I still want to talk them over with someone - Doctor Who being a prime example. There are also things that I like to talk about that he is perfectly capable of talking about when the mood strikes him - religion for one. I have never thought that he wasn't intelligent enough to talk about anything and he's proved that he is capable many times.
I may sometimes allow myself to forget that he is because then I don't have to make any kind of effort - we can just veg out in front of the telly. But I'm terrible at starting conversations. If he doesn't kick something off, we just sit in silence. And then he thinks I don't want to talk. But once we get going we can ramble on and on and on.
The other day he said I made him feel special just by being here. Today, I never make him feel wanted at all.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else, because it sure as heck makes none to me...
As an aside - all of today's tags have been used before :p
- somewhere else, tonight
The husband is feeling hugely undervalued. Again. And I really don't know if I have the energy to make the effort to make him feel better.
And I have to admit that everything he says is right. I don't suggest meeting up for lunch. I don't suggest cosy walks along the river. I don't sit up all night talking to him about everything and nothing. But neither does fucking he! And a couple of times lately I've stayed awake to talk to him. Not all night but I have work!
Since The Wayne Conversation when he said that he did like cuddles all the time, I've been glued to his side on the couch except when we're eating. Somehow, that got forgotten.
And even before The Wayne Conversation, I'd stopped getting out of my work clothes as soon as I got home because he likes to see me dressed nicely and I always dress nicely for work. Was there a mention of that? No.
I have also been playing much less on the PS2 and usually only come on the laptop when he goes to clean the church. Again, that seems to have gone unnoticed but the fact that I disappeared upstairs or behind the laptop used to be one of his pet gripes.
The other day he sent a barrage of mushy poems and cards via e-mail. Being the non-romantic that I am, and being pushed for time that day but not wanting to ignore his gesture completely, I wrote back that he was a sloshy bastard. Bit of a joke whilst still acknowledging what he'd sent? No - a complete rejection. And of course, I only send e-cards when he does - except the one I sent the other day (and a handful of others, I believe, but of course not recently) that was out of the blue.
I get that he's insecure. He admits that himself. But does he think I'm only here to pass the time?! There are other ways I could do that that would be 5,000 times more fun, for fuck's sake. Wayne is absolutely no threat to him - and neither is any other bloke. Unless he turns them into one by obsessing about it.
But I do think I should have a better answer for why I'm here than 'because I want to be'. Why do I want to be? What does he offer me except an enormous headache, financially as well as emotionally?
I have always allowed him to just be him. I make no demands, ask nothing in return. But I feel as if I'm always having to live up to some image he has of me - an image I will inevitably fall short of because it isn't fucking ME!!!
There are things I enjoy that he doesn't, but I still want to talk them over with someone - Doctor Who being a prime example. There are also things that I like to talk about that he is perfectly capable of talking about when the mood strikes him - religion for one. I have never thought that he wasn't intelligent enough to talk about anything and he's proved that he is capable many times.
I may sometimes allow myself to forget that he is because then I don't have to make any kind of effort - we can just veg out in front of the telly. But I'm terrible at starting conversations. If he doesn't kick something off, we just sit in silence. And then he thinks I don't want to talk. But once we get going we can ramble on and on and on.
The other day he said I made him feel special just by being here. Today, I never make him feel wanted at all.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else, because it sure as heck makes none to me...
As an aside - all of today's tags have been used before :p