How do I go so long without using this bloody thing?
Sixty-six weeks. Its almost like a forbidding chill whenever I knock aside the cobwebs and decide I could use this bittersweet therapy of putting at least an iota of my life onto the internet in a lasting, non-transient fashion. Almost like the therapy of trying to write up RP posts, really, which is something else I'm finally dusting off after much prodding from other folk. Alot of things have changed...
...so why am I at a loss to start?
I'm sitting on my bed, propped up by several blankets and at least two pillows. Caffeine is humming in my system at 5 AM, not as an early riser on the Lord's Day, but because the drone of the oxygen machine pumping slightly easier breath to my grandmother keeps me awake more than her hacking coughs as life wheezes away from her frail body. It keeps my mind at least functioning, rather than slipping into a madness of denied sleep and lack of distractions. Its why I'm back here, after all.
Where else...ah, right. Since my last postage, I've overcome the grief of losing a somewhat close friend only to find out that the friend was a lie born of a multiple personality complex. Drama since then...hasn't really stopped, only changed coats to catch me from behind again and again. Wound up without a job after graduation, and for a time kinda drifted between South Carolina and Indianapolis, visiting my girlfriend at the time and generally just continually sending applications out there to anyone that conceivably would want either a hard worker or a Business Economics major. Luck was...not forthcoming. It took me till January to find a job, working with Aflac up in Indianapolis as a Sales Associate. Commission gig, typical drill, not ideal in the least when you add in the commute.
But remember the mention of my grandmother not two minutes ago? Back in March she took two strokes, and by nothing short of a miracle, wound up recovering. Not quite all the way, but damn near close. Thing is, now she's a total invalid, and she can't sit up without having massive headaches and worrisome dizzy spells. Mom couldn't take it anymore, and since Dad still gets nauseous over bodily fluids that aren't his own...well...she couldn't do it alone. They called, asked me to come down, then asked me to stay. I love my family...most of the time, but who can blame me there...and acquiesced.
Girlfriend didn't quite like that. No matter how many times I tried to explain even after I was down here. Half the time she didn't believe me, and it didn't help once I started running out of time in the day to call and chat. Nevermind that she could have called me once in a while. Nevermind that she could've left notes via IRC. No, it was my fault for all the communications problems. It became more stress than it was worth, and while I do miss her to bits, its been a relief to be single and not have to have the worries of the long distance relationship.
...damn if I don't feel lonely, though.
That was a few weeks back, and now it finally is getting around to the last few grains in the hourglass of my grandmother's life. I can't say I'm that torn up about it, really. If you saw her, you'd see the incredible amount of pain and suffering she's in despite the medications and painkillers. We continue to provide all the comforts we can, but...she's probably better off departing this mortal coil sooner rather than later. Anyone who has been there might just understand what I mean.
It did cast one hell of a pall over my birthday on Wednesday though. I'm hitting that age, admittedly, where birthdays are just excuses to go have a few drinks IF that. Not stellar, I know, but it got real damn depressing when my family gift was $25 in lottery tickets. The money straight up would have been better, honestly. A shot in the dark for a $220 million drawing on my birthday...yeah. Had two friends call, neither of whom were from my college circles. Is it that easy to forget someone only a year after graduating? Its rather depressing...
Or maybe its just having so much idle time *despite* dealing with my grandmother and helping my mother. I've been looking for jobs and come up empty far too often to suit me. Its...grah. Things will look up eventually. Maybe. I hope.
How does that Sublime song go? Ah, right...
"Fuck it, fight it, its all the same..."
...so why am I at a loss to start?
I'm sitting on my bed, propped up by several blankets and at least two pillows. Caffeine is humming in my system at 5 AM, not as an early riser on the Lord's Day, but because the drone of the oxygen machine pumping slightly easier breath to my grandmother keeps me awake more than her hacking coughs as life wheezes away from her frail body. It keeps my mind at least functioning, rather than slipping into a madness of denied sleep and lack of distractions. Its why I'm back here, after all.
Where else...ah, right. Since my last postage, I've overcome the grief of losing a somewhat close friend only to find out that the friend was a lie born of a multiple personality complex. Drama since then...hasn't really stopped, only changed coats to catch me from behind again and again. Wound up without a job after graduation, and for a time kinda drifted between South Carolina and Indianapolis, visiting my girlfriend at the time and generally just continually sending applications out there to anyone that conceivably would want either a hard worker or a Business Economics major. Luck was...not forthcoming. It took me till January to find a job, working with Aflac up in Indianapolis as a Sales Associate. Commission gig, typical drill, not ideal in the least when you add in the commute.
But remember the mention of my grandmother not two minutes ago? Back in March she took two strokes, and by nothing short of a miracle, wound up recovering. Not quite all the way, but damn near close. Thing is, now she's a total invalid, and she can't sit up without having massive headaches and worrisome dizzy spells. Mom couldn't take it anymore, and since Dad still gets nauseous over bodily fluids that aren't his own...well...she couldn't do it alone. They called, asked me to come down, then asked me to stay. I love my family...most of the time, but who can blame me there...and acquiesced.
Girlfriend didn't quite like that. No matter how many times I tried to explain even after I was down here. Half the time she didn't believe me, and it didn't help once I started running out of time in the day to call and chat. Nevermind that she could have called me once in a while. Nevermind that she could've left notes via IRC. No, it was my fault for all the communications problems. It became more stress than it was worth, and while I do miss her to bits, its been a relief to be single and not have to have the worries of the long distance relationship.
...damn if I don't feel lonely, though.
That was a few weeks back, and now it finally is getting around to the last few grains in the hourglass of my grandmother's life. I can't say I'm that torn up about it, really. If you saw her, you'd see the incredible amount of pain and suffering she's in despite the medications and painkillers. We continue to provide all the comforts we can, but...she's probably better off departing this mortal coil sooner rather than later. Anyone who has been there might just understand what I mean.
It did cast one hell of a pall over my birthday on Wednesday though. I'm hitting that age, admittedly, where birthdays are just excuses to go have a few drinks IF that. Not stellar, I know, but it got real damn depressing when my family gift was $25 in lottery tickets. The money straight up would have been better, honestly. A shot in the dark for a $220 million drawing on my birthday...yeah. Had two friends call, neither of whom were from my college circles. Is it that easy to forget someone only a year after graduating? Its rather depressing...
Or maybe its just having so much idle time *despite* dealing with my grandmother and helping my mother. I've been looking for jobs and come up empty far too often to suit me. Its...grah. Things will look up eventually. Maybe. I hope.
How does that Sublime song go? Ah, right...
"Fuck it, fight it, its all the same..."