I WISH I COULD FORGET HIM, BUT ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE!
Ok, so I just realized that my last entry was the first journal entry that i have written since march that wasnt about "the guy" and I have 3 journals. I am so proud of myself. I think now i may actually be able to move on, and eventually the pain will go away. I dont know what was wrong with me, i guess i was just so excited that someone actually liked me, and for a person with countless self-esteem issues, that is a very big deal, so I guess you can see why I took our, i dont know if i should call it a relationship or just a fling, but whatever it was i just didnt want it to end. My first real relationship was when i was 16, yea, late bloomer, and he cheated on me with his ex. So after my self-esteem went up, it drastically dropped because of that, and i dont think that i had ever fealt any uglier in my life.
It took me 15 months to get back into dating. And in those 15 months there was just so much depression, my mom disowned me, because she found out that i was gay, my grandma told me that i was an abomination and i was going to hell, and i cant begin to tell you about the countless people that said that i am a waste of a life and that i dont deserve to live if i am going to hell anyway.
So after so long, those things start to take a toll on you and your sanity. So that is when my mood swings started coming back, and i was sneaking sleeping pills, and just saying fuck everyone, and just being a totall bad ass. Then someone began to talk to me.
Christen T. Henry, you saved me! You saved my life, because you never judged me and you let me talk to you about whatever. She was my savior. She was the only person that could help me analyze all of the events in my life and feeings that i had, and she helped me believe in myself again. I cant believe i amost threw all of that away. Christen and Je`Von were my only links to Dearborn when i was in California, and i think they are the reasons for my sanity and they gave me a reason to get myself together whether they know it or not.
So after some much needed counseling from Dr. Chrissy, I fealt like i was able to get back into the game. I wasnt goint around looking for guys, because i know that i fall really easy when i am that vulnerable, so i was kinda waiting for the right one to come to me, and until then i would talk to a few and see if there was any potential there. That is when i came across "the guy". I was online one day, and i recognized him, and so i imed him, and we began to talk (keep in mind, I did not meet him online, i just had his sn). So we began talking and one thing led to another. Then after about 3 weeks of one of the best times in my life, he dropped a bomb on all of it. He stopped calling, he stopped taking my calls and kinda just cut off communication with me, without even telling me why. That is when i found out that i had found my first love, and i didnt want to let him go.
I was, and i still am very much in love with him, but i think i have to move on now, because i am just sitting here holding on to something that isnt here anymore, and as hard as it may be i know what i have to do. I dont want to, because my mind and my heart still has that optimism of the question of maybe.
Maybe he will come back to me?
Maybe he loves me and just doenst know how to show it?
Maybe he is just going through a rough time and needs time alone?
Maybe he just wants to see how much i love him?
Well whatever it is, i can just sit around and wait my entire life for him, when the possibility of us getting back together are slim to none. We are at two very different places in our lives, and while i feel like i dont want to live without him in my life, i dont even know if he wants me to be a part of his life, and that hurts like hell.
Why, why did i have to fall for him, i never fall for anyone. I am the bitch, and tells his bfs that there are even lucky to be seen with him. So why do i actually have feelings this time?
He broke down my walls, and he made me love him, and then he took it all away. It is going to be a long time before i let myself feel anything for anyone again. I can feel the cold hard coming back out of me, and it is stronger than ever. I dont want to be that way, i dont want to let my bad relationships cause me to be a bitch to everyone, because i know that every man shouldnt have to pay for that one mans mistake.
I am just so scared of getting hurt again, that i just try to prevent any serious feelings from coming out. I have already used one guy for what i wanted and then dumped him after i got it and i didnt even feel the slightest bit of remorse. It was like i didnt even have a conscious. I just kept him around so that he could my me alcohol, and to have a good fuck once or twice. After that i just tossed him aside and moved on. I am becoming uncapable of loving someone intimately. My emotions are all fucked up because i allowed myself to feel, and then i fell.
So, i have a date tonite, and i know that there couldnt be anything serious with this guy, but I just want to have fun. I am not going to sleep with him, i am just going to let him chase me, and see how bad he wants me. And if he doesnt chase, then i will know that he isnt worth my time and i will once again move on. Well i think i have to get ready for work now, so LATER DAYS!
It took me 15 months to get back into dating. And in those 15 months there was just so much depression, my mom disowned me, because she found out that i was gay, my grandma told me that i was an abomination and i was going to hell, and i cant begin to tell you about the countless people that said that i am a waste of a life and that i dont deserve to live if i am going to hell anyway.
So after so long, those things start to take a toll on you and your sanity. So that is when my mood swings started coming back, and i was sneaking sleeping pills, and just saying fuck everyone, and just being a totall bad ass. Then someone began to talk to me.
Christen T. Henry, you saved me! You saved my life, because you never judged me and you let me talk to you about whatever. She was my savior. She was the only person that could help me analyze all of the events in my life and feeings that i had, and she helped me believe in myself again. I cant believe i amost threw all of that away. Christen and Je`Von were my only links to Dearborn when i was in California, and i think they are the reasons for my sanity and they gave me a reason to get myself together whether they know it or not.
So after some much needed counseling from Dr. Chrissy, I fealt like i was able to get back into the game. I wasnt goint around looking for guys, because i know that i fall really easy when i am that vulnerable, so i was kinda waiting for the right one to come to me, and until then i would talk to a few and see if there was any potential there. That is when i came across "the guy". I was online one day, and i recognized him, and so i imed him, and we began to talk (keep in mind, I did not meet him online, i just had his sn). So we began talking and one thing led to another. Then after about 3 weeks of one of the best times in my life, he dropped a bomb on all of it. He stopped calling, he stopped taking my calls and kinda just cut off communication with me, without even telling me why. That is when i found out that i had found my first love, and i didnt want to let him go.
I was, and i still am very much in love with him, but i think i have to move on now, because i am just sitting here holding on to something that isnt here anymore, and as hard as it may be i know what i have to do. I dont want to, because my mind and my heart still has that optimism of the question of maybe.
Maybe he will come back to me?
Maybe he loves me and just doenst know how to show it?
Maybe he is just going through a rough time and needs time alone?
Maybe he just wants to see how much i love him?
Well whatever it is, i can just sit around and wait my entire life for him, when the possibility of us getting back together are slim to none. We are at two very different places in our lives, and while i feel like i dont want to live without him in my life, i dont even know if he wants me to be a part of his life, and that hurts like hell.
Why, why did i have to fall for him, i never fall for anyone. I am the bitch, and tells his bfs that there are even lucky to be seen with him. So why do i actually have feelings this time?
He broke down my walls, and he made me love him, and then he took it all away. It is going to be a long time before i let myself feel anything for anyone again. I can feel the cold hard coming back out of me, and it is stronger than ever. I dont want to be that way, i dont want to let my bad relationships cause me to be a bitch to everyone, because i know that every man shouldnt have to pay for that one mans mistake.
I am just so scared of getting hurt again, that i just try to prevent any serious feelings from coming out. I have already used one guy for what i wanted and then dumped him after i got it and i didnt even feel the slightest bit of remorse. It was like i didnt even have a conscious. I just kept him around so that he could my me alcohol, and to have a good fuck once or twice. After that i just tossed him aside and moved on. I am becoming uncapable of loving someone intimately. My emotions are all fucked up because i allowed myself to feel, and then i fell.
So, i have a date tonite, and i know that there couldnt be anything serious with this guy, but I just want to have fun. I am not going to sleep with him, i am just going to let him chase me, and see how bad he wants me. And if he doesnt chase, then i will know that he isnt worth my time and i will once again move on. Well i think i have to get ready for work now, so LATER DAYS!