rethinking my life
I would like to be able to say that I could accept organized religion. But I can't. It would be a lie. I have lots feelings roiling around inside right now about the Church. I have often said that Mormonism has more 'rights' than wrongs when compared with other religions. But I wonder if this isn't because Joseph Smith based it on Masonry, which also has a lot of mystery school knowledge. No, I know that is why. But to dad, when I say I saw an angel just like Joseph described (and I did, honest injun) it's saying I know the church is true. I don't. I believe Joseph was a mystic, a visionary, and very likely the words he wrote down (book of mormon) were a real book. They're finding too many phoenician artifacts here especially around Illinois for the possibility that he found something real to be impossible.
Now to my dad. My father has lived a respectable, honorable life and cared for his wife during her entire illness. I believe he hit 83 this year. Should he take another wife to soothe him in his old age, who am I to say him nay? I just need to be sure he finds someone who truly cares for him, since we will be sharing this house, if it happens. Dad deserves to be happy. I deserve nothing other than what is freely given. I'm 48. Old enough to have seen this coming for years and old enough to know I should have prepared instead of just wavered and married my own old man who turned out to be a psychopathic drunk for security. I honor my father and my mother. They owe me nothing, while I owe them that honor.
But I'm still scared as hell and confused as hell and just have to keep remembering my guides have never let me down in the past, and they won't now. So today I am going to spend picking spinach and cherries for dad to freeze so he has at least one serving of MY spinach all winter, every day. Taking a deep breath and calming myself. There is no need to panic. Life is short and then you die. I do not want to die with regrets or vain anger about what I 'got' or 'deserved'....rather I want to die without regret knowing that I was aware and tried to do my best. On one of my bookcases is a plaque that reads 'Return With Honor'....I try to live by that as I get older.
Thank you Aunt Nan, Jess, and Marian, and Jenna, for coming and spending the day last week. I felt like I wasn't alone. I love you all, and thank you for accepting me as I am, self-centered, selfish, and spoiled....but working on it.
Now to my dad. My father has lived a respectable, honorable life and cared for his wife during her entire illness. I believe he hit 83 this year. Should he take another wife to soothe him in his old age, who am I to say him nay? I just need to be sure he finds someone who truly cares for him, since we will be sharing this house, if it happens. Dad deserves to be happy. I deserve nothing other than what is freely given. I'm 48. Old enough to have seen this coming for years and old enough to know I should have prepared instead of just wavered and married my own old man who turned out to be a psychopathic drunk for security. I honor my father and my mother. They owe me nothing, while I owe them that honor.
But I'm still scared as hell and confused as hell and just have to keep remembering my guides have never let me down in the past, and they won't now. So today I am going to spend picking spinach and cherries for dad to freeze so he has at least one serving of MY spinach all winter, every day. Taking a deep breath and calming myself. There is no need to panic. Life is short and then you die. I do not want to die with regrets or vain anger about what I 'got' or 'deserved'....rather I want to die without regret knowing that I was aware and tried to do my best. On one of my bookcases is a plaque that reads 'Return With Honor'....I try to live by that as I get older.
Thank you Aunt Nan, Jess, and Marian, and Jenna, for coming and spending the day last week. I felt like I wasn't alone. I love you all, and thank you for accepting me as I am, self-centered, selfish, and spoiled....but working on it.