dream over...
I haven't been able to sleep since I found out. Tonight is particularly bad, but I don't know what it is. Tonight was odd. I don't know what I got from it. Wells no longer feels like home to me. It just feels hollow. So many people and relationships there just feel like nothing, feel like dust.
I hate endings. I'm not good when substance dissappears or fades. I didn't like being face-to-face with so much of that. There are so many things that used to make me positively glow that now just make me sad, bitter, angry....
Why do I have to do that to myself?
I have such a good life in Ithaca. I love my program, the activities I squeeze in outside of school every now and then, that I have warm, loving arms wrapped around me every night.
And goodness, I did have some incredible moments tonight. I did feel wonderful and get the be in wonderful presences... but there were people and situations that I just need to say to: no, this doesn't make me feel good. i don't want to see you and remember when this did make me feel good. I want to stop saying things I don't mean just because I think it's what I'm supposed to say or I get carried away in one insincere moment that confuses me.
Really, I just want to sleep. I want peace. I want the bad thoughts that are keeping me up to not be real. I want Will to be alive, happy. I want to be in a world where people don't let each other get so down... where there is sincerity that comes in the form of love. I like squeezes on my shoulders that let me know someone is there and they care. I want to give more of them to other people... but I can't change what already is.
I hate endings. I'm not good when substance dissappears or fades. I didn't like being face-to-face with so much of that. There are so many things that used to make me positively glow that now just make me sad, bitter, angry....
Why do I have to do that to myself?
I have such a good life in Ithaca. I love my program, the activities I squeeze in outside of school every now and then, that I have warm, loving arms wrapped around me every night.
And goodness, I did have some incredible moments tonight. I did feel wonderful and get the be in wonderful presences... but there were people and situations that I just need to say to: no, this doesn't make me feel good. i don't want to see you and remember when this did make me feel good. I want to stop saying things I don't mean just because I think it's what I'm supposed to say or I get carried away in one insincere moment that confuses me.
Really, I just want to sleep. I want peace. I want the bad thoughts that are keeping me up to not be real. I want Will to be alive, happy. I want to be in a world where people don't let each other get so down... where there is sincerity that comes in the form of love. I like squeezes on my shoulders that let me know someone is there and they care. I want to give more of them to other people... but I can't change what already is.