Rhyming Story Challenge update
Well, I didn’t make it into round 3, but since only the top four from each group did, I knew it was a bit of a long shot. I did get quite a bit of nice and helpful feedback from the judges, and I can see from that where my writing could have been improved. (Since it’s been many months, you can re-read my round two entry here: https://roina-arwen.livejournal.com/1712234.html)
Below the cut is the judges feedback. The judges each have a number assigned, not a name.
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY:
{1943} 'Penelope's Quest' was a clever and fascinating poem. I loved the message hidden within the first words of the poem, that independence requires courage and conviction. You conveyed this message very clearly through Penelope's growth as a character. I really liked the ending, as Odysseus revealed himself and he and Telemachus dealt with their enemies. This was a wonderfully engaging story, which was written skillfully. Well done!
{2085} The acrostic message that matches the theme of the story is creative and illustrates skill in writing. Also, the struggle that Penelope faces comes across, eliciting empathy for her character. Then the appearance of Athena and her prediction increases the conflict, keeping the reader engaged through the ending.
{2206} Excellent rhyme and an acrostic poem, too.
"Noble of birth, and full of self-worth, his soul was tinged with black." A befitting and probing description.
"She wanted none of them, in truth, for only Odysseus had her heart." The verse winds through feelings and plans to eventually come to the one transparent resting place.
"...and removed his disguise, unsung." A true hero. The poem was true to the story.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK:
{1943} I was surprised at the description of Penelope jogging energetically through a field. This felt rather odd to me, and I couldn't quite picture the scene.
I wondered if you could actually show us more of Penelope at the start of the story. The first several lines felt rather vague to me. I wonder what would happen if you opened with Penelope, giving us a clearer picture of her, and maybe telling us at this point that Odysseus had gone, and that the fate of Ithaca hung in the balance. I think setting up your premise more strongly would pull us into the story at a more confident pace.
(Author’s Note: I rather agree with this; I wrote the first few lines before I knew exactly where I was going with this; I edited it somewhat, but should have rewritten it to add more oomph to the story,
{2085} The resolution and ending doesn't seem to have the impact that it might. Consider integrating Antinous's character into the story earlier on, and telling the reader who he is and why Odysseus would want to kill him, especially for those who aren't familiar with the original story. If word count happens to be a factor or to streamline a bit, consider reviewing for unnecessary information to combine or eliminate. Just as an example to illustrate, reviewing the lines about Eurymachus for elimination. That also has the potential to reduce the number of characters and keep the reader focused on the leading characters.
{2206} "Athena appeared without warning..." Athena's entrance felt a bit abrupt. As a goddess, she had the power to do that. Penelope was deep in thought for so long and due to the acrostic aspect a new verse couldn't be started. Is there another way it could be noted a change was occurring?
Below the cut is the judges feedback. The judges each have a number assigned, not a name.
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY:
{1943} 'Penelope's Quest' was a clever and fascinating poem. I loved the message hidden within the first words of the poem, that independence requires courage and conviction. You conveyed this message very clearly through Penelope's growth as a character. I really liked the ending, as Odysseus revealed himself and he and Telemachus dealt with their enemies. This was a wonderfully engaging story, which was written skillfully. Well done!
{2085} The acrostic message that matches the theme of the story is creative and illustrates skill in writing. Also, the struggle that Penelope faces comes across, eliciting empathy for her character. Then the appearance of Athena and her prediction increases the conflict, keeping the reader engaged through the ending.
{2206} Excellent rhyme and an acrostic poem, too.
"Noble of birth, and full of self-worth, his soul was tinged with black." A befitting and probing description.
"She wanted none of them, in truth, for only Odysseus had her heart." The verse winds through feelings and plans to eventually come to the one transparent resting place.
"...and removed his disguise, unsung." A true hero. The poem was true to the story.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK:
{1943} I was surprised at the description of Penelope jogging energetically through a field. This felt rather odd to me, and I couldn't quite picture the scene.
I wondered if you could actually show us more of Penelope at the start of the story. The first several lines felt rather vague to me. I wonder what would happen if you opened with Penelope, giving us a clearer picture of her, and maybe telling us at this point that Odysseus had gone, and that the fate of Ithaca hung in the balance. I think setting up your premise more strongly would pull us into the story at a more confident pace.
(Author’s Note: I rather agree with this; I wrote the first few lines before I knew exactly where I was going with this; I edited it somewhat, but should have rewritten it to add more oomph to the story,
{2085} The resolution and ending doesn't seem to have the impact that it might. Consider integrating Antinous's character into the story earlier on, and telling the reader who he is and why Odysseus would want to kill him, especially for those who aren't familiar with the original story. If word count happens to be a factor or to streamline a bit, consider reviewing for unnecessary information to combine or eliminate. Just as an example to illustrate, reviewing the lines about Eurymachus for elimination. That also has the potential to reduce the number of characters and keep the reader focused on the leading characters.
{2206} "Athena appeared without warning..." Athena's entrance felt a bit abrupt. As a goddess, she had the power to do that. Penelope was deep in thought for so long and due to the acrostic aspect a new verse couldn't be started. Is there another way it could be noted a change was occurring?