Death and Depression (fun times!)
I just watched the Pilot episode of Freaks & Geeks, which is seriously the best TV show I've ever seen. But in the first episode, one of the main characters, Lindsay Weir, is dealing with the death of her grandmother by irrationally changing her goody-goody self to becoming a burnout (sort of).
It reminded me of some of the trials I've faced in the past year. Just over a year ago, a girl who lived in my house committed suicide. I was her house chair. I couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for what happened. Not that I was, but I made myself think I was. I felt like there was more I could've done to prevent that from happening. And on top of dealing with that, another friend of mine had passed away just earlier that year in a tragic accident on campus. Whereas I had basically recovered by last December, dealing with this suicide was a major regression for me, and I kind of lost control over myself and my thoughts and some of my actions for a little while. I didn't know what else to do but push it back in my head, out of the way, which is pretty much what you're supposed to do I guess.
I noticed that I gave much fewer testimonies in church this year than I had normally been doing for a while since. I think that somewhere inside me I was trying to overcome this loss and burden I felt, but since it wasn't conscious, there wasn't really anything I could do about it. Instead, I just kind of felt depressed a lot and cried/weeped at least a few times a week. What's more, I felt like a bad Christian Scientist because I couldn't just get over it and move on--bad way to think, but it's what happened. So I got even angrier at myself for not healing the situation (this was once I was well aware that I had a problem that actually needed healing). And sometimes during this year I had to force myself to feel grateful for things because I genuinely just didn't. Instead I just felt like the world... sucked. Man, was I suddenly emo or what.
Some of my friends commented on my behavior, saying I was a lot less fun to hang out with now, that I'd lost my sense of humor. Maybe I had.
I had changed. I suddenly wasn't so eager to hold on to my innocence, for one thing, though I basically tried to maintain my practice of spirituality--which was often a struggle. I kept going to church, and it's good I did because I really needed it, but mentally I just kind of retreated from the world, or I just pretended like everything was okay, even terrific, when it really wasn't. I guess I didn't know how to deal with those feelings because I'd never felt so bad before, nor did I ever expect, in my earlier life, to be confronted with such strong feelings of depression. I mean, come on, I'm the happy guy! I was always the happy guy! People always came up to me and seemed impressed by the joy that I expressed! So, let's just say the denial that I could actually sink so low in depression lasted a reallllly long time. So this conflict changed me, made me a little bit darker of a person--but probably only on the inside; I doubt it showed much on the outside except in rare and raw moments.
But the good news is lately I've felt myself re-emerging into light, and genuinely so. I finally feel like I have God, Love, GOOD, back at the center of my life, where He belongs and always has been and always will be. This non-physical presence anchors me, sustains me, refreshes me, reassures me that my life is always on the up-and-up, as is everyone's, when led by His guidance. I'm finally actually re-identifying myself as God's child, His spiritual image and likeness, His reflection, only good and harmonious, my true nature, totally free from material identifications. And the more I ground my thought in that sense of myself, the freer I feel, the more real, the more alive, and, thank goodness, innocent and pure again. What Billy Joel sang is true: "Once I thought my innocence was gone. Now I know that happiness goes on."
I know I've been healed because I've had many instances recently of really FEELING God's love for me, holding me and keeping me safe. I still have some small moments of depression, and the healing I guess isn't totally complete yet, but I do know for sure that the problem has yielded and the healing is in the process of completion. I'm so grateful for God's unending love and support for all mankind, for Her eternal message to humanity, promising refuge, freedom, and peace, NOW, to all who let go and allow Her grace to embrace them.
It reminded me of some of the trials I've faced in the past year. Just over a year ago, a girl who lived in my house committed suicide. I was her house chair. I couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for what happened. Not that I was, but I made myself think I was. I felt like there was more I could've done to prevent that from happening. And on top of dealing with that, another friend of mine had passed away just earlier that year in a tragic accident on campus. Whereas I had basically recovered by last December, dealing with this suicide was a major regression for me, and I kind of lost control over myself and my thoughts and some of my actions for a little while. I didn't know what else to do but push it back in my head, out of the way, which is pretty much what you're supposed to do I guess.
I noticed that I gave much fewer testimonies in church this year than I had normally been doing for a while since. I think that somewhere inside me I was trying to overcome this loss and burden I felt, but since it wasn't conscious, there wasn't really anything I could do about it. Instead, I just kind of felt depressed a lot and cried/weeped at least a few times a week. What's more, I felt like a bad Christian Scientist because I couldn't just get over it and move on--bad way to think, but it's what happened. So I got even angrier at myself for not healing the situation (this was once I was well aware that I had a problem that actually needed healing). And sometimes during this year I had to force myself to feel grateful for things because I genuinely just didn't. Instead I just felt like the world... sucked. Man, was I suddenly emo or what.
Some of my friends commented on my behavior, saying I was a lot less fun to hang out with now, that I'd lost my sense of humor. Maybe I had.
I had changed. I suddenly wasn't so eager to hold on to my innocence, for one thing, though I basically tried to maintain my practice of spirituality--which was often a struggle. I kept going to church, and it's good I did because I really needed it, but mentally I just kind of retreated from the world, or I just pretended like everything was okay, even terrific, when it really wasn't. I guess I didn't know how to deal with those feelings because I'd never felt so bad before, nor did I ever expect, in my earlier life, to be confronted with such strong feelings of depression. I mean, come on, I'm the happy guy! I was always the happy guy! People always came up to me and seemed impressed by the joy that I expressed! So, let's just say the denial that I could actually sink so low in depression lasted a reallllly long time. So this conflict changed me, made me a little bit darker of a person--but probably only on the inside; I doubt it showed much on the outside except in rare and raw moments.
But the good news is lately I've felt myself re-emerging into light, and genuinely so. I finally feel like I have God, Love, GOOD, back at the center of my life, where He belongs and always has been and always will be. This non-physical presence anchors me, sustains me, refreshes me, reassures me that my life is always on the up-and-up, as is everyone's, when led by His guidance. I'm finally actually re-identifying myself as God's child, His spiritual image and likeness, His reflection, only good and harmonious, my true nature, totally free from material identifications. And the more I ground my thought in that sense of myself, the freer I feel, the more real, the more alive, and, thank goodness, innocent and pure again. What Billy Joel sang is true: "Once I thought my innocence was gone. Now I know that happiness goes on."
I know I've been healed because I've had many instances recently of really FEELING God's love for me, holding me and keeping me safe. I still have some small moments of depression, and the healing I guess isn't totally complete yet, but I do know for sure that the problem has yielded and the healing is in the process of completion. I'm so grateful for God's unending love and support for all mankind, for Her eternal message to humanity, promising refuge, freedom, and peace, NOW, to all who let go and allow Her grace to embrace them.