(no subject)
God, I just spent. Four hours? With my dad, writing my CV. He cornered me into it which is a good thing, because I've been putting it off out of the sheer despair of knowing I have nothing to actually fill it with, which is my own fault, but god, so depressing, and working at it now -- editing the truth and embellishing and snipping out to market myself, because I don't want to put sexual harassment hotline at the top of my CV, and I don't want militaristic language like weapons or shooting dept and ugh, I hate this hate this hate this. I wish I had, like. Skills. Something impressive I could flaunt out there. And it's totally up to me, I know, it's nobody's fault but mine that I never learned to play any instruments or taught myself any web programming or Photoshop or seeked out internships and places to get more experience, but now I'm in that place where something needs to happen, where I need to find something to do out there and I don't know what and all I have is this vague not-yet-a-degree, and god. I wish there were easy answers for this shit. Sometimes when I hang around fandom too much -- which happens sometimes -- I kind of forget that I'm not like so many other people here, that their talents and achievements and skills are not my own, just just because I hang around them doesn't mean that kind of stuff rubs off. I have so many academic friends here, but I'm not an academic. I wish I were sometimes, because I love learning and I love the idea of university, but I'm not... my love of knowledge always feels like it's on a shallower level, my analyses not as sharp, and I don't know, maybe in a few years I'll find a subject that I'm passionate enough about to really dig deeper into, but it certainly doesn't exist now.
And wow, I'm totally kind of crying now, or at least have a major lump in my throat plus some light eye wetness so I guess that counts, and I don't think I've cried since the day I decided to switch from Comp Sci to History three years ago, not for anything real.
I just feel... really helpless, which is stupid because I know it's all up to me. But it's so hard to get up and start doing things, and to... idk, face the fact that the way I'm feeling now, and frankly the way this freaking CV ugh looks, is all my fault.
And now I'm doing the thing where I'm rolling my eyes at myself for complaining about these super privileged problems -- part of the reason I haven't done anything with myself over the past few years is that I could afford to -- so, I know. I'm also letting myself let it out because my LJ, I'm allowed. I know this too. I kind of want to lock this post because I haven't made posts like this in, oh, a while, but I didn't lock them when I actually used my LJ as a journal what feels like a really long time ago, and there's no reason to -- well, keep hiding -- now. And I hate it when people apologize for posting personal stuff. If I post something personal, the last people I should be thinking about are the people who might feel like this is spam. Everyone's always free to skim anyhow.
God, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, I really need to sleep. I had typos all over my previous post from sleeplessness; I was going to crash when I got home, and that was when my dad cornered me.
At least I have a semblance of a CV now. I don't know where it will get me. I still need to translate it to Hebrew, and then start... doing what everyone else in the world has already done or is doing or will do. I am not a special snowflake. But well, I count.
On a semi-related note, I've been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher for years -- there are so many great things about it and so many problems and so much insecurity on my part, but honestly, one of the biggest problems here is that it is one of the least profitable jobs in the country. I have no idea what a twenty-something old teacher looks like, how she earns a living, how she lives. Where I went to school -- suburbia -- all of the teachers were married mothers with 2.4 kids, because if you aren't, you are not going to be living in my town on a teacher's salary. All of my teachers were very much supported by their husbands, or at least alimony. And I looked up teacher salaries now, and guys, it's less than minimum wage. I'd known, vaguely, but those are actually the facts. Less than 3000 shekels a month. There is just... no way. Not if you want to support yourself. Not that I even know what I can/want to do to support myself! And it's back to the beginning.
I was going to post some fic recs earlier because I've read some amazing stuff recently, but maybe tomorrow. For now I'll just end with this link to a Frank picspam in honor of his birthday, and wish myself a happy mini-anniversary -- exactly 20 years ago today my family moved to the US. It's shaped me so much, I can't even begin to imagine how I'd have turned out otherwise.
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And wow, I'm totally kind of crying now, or at least have a major lump in my throat plus some light eye wetness so I guess that counts, and I don't think I've cried since the day I decided to switch from Comp Sci to History three years ago, not for anything real.
I just feel... really helpless, which is stupid because I know it's all up to me. But it's so hard to get up and start doing things, and to... idk, face the fact that the way I'm feeling now, and frankly the way this freaking CV ugh looks, is all my fault.
And now I'm doing the thing where I'm rolling my eyes at myself for complaining about these super privileged problems -- part of the reason I haven't done anything with myself over the past few years is that I could afford to -- so, I know. I'm also letting myself let it out because my LJ, I'm allowed. I know this too. I kind of want to lock this post because I haven't made posts like this in, oh, a while, but I didn't lock them when I actually used my LJ as a journal what feels like a really long time ago, and there's no reason to -- well, keep hiding -- now. And I hate it when people apologize for posting personal stuff. If I post something personal, the last people I should be thinking about are the people who might feel like this is spam. Everyone's always free to skim anyhow.
God, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, I really need to sleep. I had typos all over my previous post from sleeplessness; I was going to crash when I got home, and that was when my dad cornered me.
At least I have a semblance of a CV now. I don't know where it will get me. I still need to translate it to Hebrew, and then start... doing what everyone else in the world has already done or is doing or will do. I am not a special snowflake. But well, I count.
On a semi-related note, I've been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher for years -- there are so many great things about it and so many problems and so much insecurity on my part, but honestly, one of the biggest problems here is that it is one of the least profitable jobs in the country. I have no idea what a twenty-something old teacher looks like, how she earns a living, how she lives. Where I went to school -- suburbia -- all of the teachers were married mothers with 2.4 kids, because if you aren't, you are not going to be living in my town on a teacher's salary. All of my teachers were very much supported by their husbands, or at least alimony. And I looked up teacher salaries now, and guys, it's less than minimum wage. I'd known, vaguely, but those are actually the facts. Less than 3000 shekels a month. There is just... no way. Not if you want to support yourself. Not that I even know what I can/want to do to support myself! And it's back to the beginning.
I was going to post some fic recs earlier because I've read some amazing stuff recently, but maybe tomorrow. For now I'll just end with this link to a Frank picspam in honor of his birthday, and wish myself a happy mini-anniversary -- exactly 20 years ago today my family moved to the US. It's shaped me so much, I can't even begin to imagine how I'd have turned out otherwise.
comments on Dreamwidth.