Hope is as miserable a failure as Praying.(June 26, 2006)
Hope is just as miserable a failure as praying
There is no "Human Spirit", God, Allah or any kinda of Higher Being that can help you on ur so called journey of life; I beleive. I find myself lying awake @ night wondering what happens when you die. It is such a mystery So unfathomable to the human mind; at least my own and i am SO DAMN CURIOUS i just want a solid answer. Whats it like when you die? (dont really answer that in a comment) im to far to be "saved" i cant beleive any bukllshit fed to me by anyone. i really dont kare if there was a jesus or not He's not helping me now! No one is. im so lonely, and scared of the future but even more of the present. I am fuckin things up and i kno it i can feel it but the deed is done what can i do? do i change? no. change takes work and complaining is easy. so i do it. i worry about the stupidest shit. i cant even explain it. i feel that my skills in life are fading fast. i notice more and more often i trip over my words and i cannot help it. it is so fustrating. Even in something as simple as running; i just feel inadaqute. it has been a few years since i have had a realationship. i know now that i cant handle it. It scares me. i dont want to bring anyone down with me. i miss skewl. at least homework keeped me distracted from who i really am. and the laughter of friends always dilutes the taste of shit in my mind. im so awake. i wanna sleep but again my mind drifts into... I wish i could really not care like i say i do. i say it alway "i dont give a shit" if only i could not give a shit about this. if only i could not give a shit about you. wait. this isnt about you. live your life dont you dare care.
stop.
the big things in life give you money. nothing small pays well. a guy who can make great paintings is wealthier than a guy who can make great laughs.
"but your helping people get better and deal with their own problems" in laughter? no; and who gives a fuck? no one helps me. i dont want help or do i? The devil seems more real than god. but fuck them both. and yes i do mean that. I am not under any substance(unfortunatly) these are the thoughts produced from my own chemicals in my mind. they are my own.
But are they not influenced by my surroundings arent amillion other people thinking this in a million other tounges? what does that mean? We are not induviduals. we are one collective concisiousness that has been broken into peices through our own egotestical worries. "HELP ME" we cry; I CRY HELP ME! then you offer it and i shut it down. so then i cry " NO ONE UNDERSTANDS" everyone does. im fuck'd up in the head. its not that difficult fuckin idiot shit happens u get fuck'd then you die. I've been fuck so now i wait for the latter...