Time to rant I guess....
So, I've been pretty upset most of the time lately. I'm beginning to understand why I'm always an emo little tard or always feeling some sort of self loathing. I'm beginning to think that it's my fault...but I'm not sure I know what to do to change.
Crap No. 1:
Music is all I've ever wanted to do with my life. Growing up I was always so good at what I do. I was always the best player and I always did what I was supposed to do to get to college. I told myself that things like music theory wouldn't be a problem because of how much I love music. I'm starting to realize that love isn't enough. I've also never really had to work hard to sound really good (or really good according to high school standards, bleh)...it sucks that it's taken me this long to realize how dumb I've been. I really can't expect to go anywhere with music if I'm not prepared to actually work my ass off. I always complained about how bad I am at music theory or how I just don't understand it, yet I never cracked a book. I always expected to just know it...I never actually worked on it. No wonder I made a D+ last term. How can I expect to communicate intelligently with my colleagues if I don't understand what the hell I'm doing?? It sucks that I've so little time left to pull up my grades and show grad schools that I'm not a complete fuck. I'm going to have to start back at the beginning with theory and make myself understand and learn it. I need to, I WANT to learn it...why has it taken this long!? Hind sight is 20/20 I guess, and I suck so hard... I'm really glad that Dr. Chesebro has decided to kick my ass over my playing. He's got me in the practice room and actually working. For the first time in these two years I feel like I'm making progress. I just want people to view me as a talented and good player. I'm tired of feeling dumb or like I can't play compared to some people in my studio. I've got just as much talent as any of them and more than some, I just haven't been applying myself to ANY aspect of my life. So, thank you Dr. Chesebro, you've done me a great service by making me feel like shit in my lessons; I really needed it. I just want so much to become a professional musician. I want this for me and for my family. I feel like they've never had anything or anyone to be proud of and I want to give them that. I want to offer people all over the world my trade and I want it to have the effect on them that it's had on me. It means too much to me to just give up and try something easier. Nobody said that music was easy...I just assumed it was.
Solution to Crap No. 1:
Work your ass off and apply yourself to the things that you need to apply yourself to. You have what it takes and now you need to prove it to yourself. Get it done and make everyone proud.
Crap No. 2:
Why the hell do I want a relationship so damn much? All I've seen from other people is shit...nobody like being in a relationship because they never seem to work out. So why do I think that I'll be any different? Why am I looking here at Furman? I'm clearly not going to find a steady and stable relationship here. The main problem with this is that it's beginning to affect the way I live. It's changing my moods and how productive I am. Dr. Chesebro told me that I'm either really happy or really sad, no in-between. I need to find my happy median and if not being a relationship is what I need, then damn, I need to do it.
Solution to Crap No. 2:
Get the fuck over yourself. You know that nothing is going to happen here at Furman with ANYONE. The sooner that you accept that, the sooner you'll be a more happy and functional person.
Crap No. 3:
I'm letting myself get sucked into my friends drama. I'm letting myself be too available for them. I need to start being selfish for once and think of myself. I care so much for the people in my life but I'm starting to think that they don't really feel the same. I make too much time for social activities and not enough time for the things that will pay my bills. I need to start balancing the things I do and with whom I do them. Work comes first...and I love it, so it shouldn't be a problem!
Solution to Crap No. 3:
Practice your damn clarinet. You know you love it and what you're going to be doing with it. The majority of people here are only temporary and they won't help you in the future. Make more time to do the things you need and love. BE SELFISH!
Finally, Crap No. 4:
I care way too much about what people think about me. I let them dictate how I feel. I open myself up to being made fun of and it hurts me when it happens. I never stick up for myself and I never say when something is bothering me. My friends make fun of me constantly everyday and I say nothing! I just sit there and watch them laugh at me. I take things way too seriously.
Solution to Crap No. 4:
Stick up for yourself. Maybe realize that a lot of what people say isn't meant to be taken seriously. If you really want things to start changing, then be the change you want to see in your life! Don't give people reasons to make fun of you. And if they do make fun of you, deduce whether or not it's serious. If it isn't keep going and don't let it affect you.
This has been the longest post in a very long time...I guess I've just had a lot on my mind. I know that I can make all of this happen. I got myself here to Furman and I can make it the best time of my life. I want to be a more learned person. I want to be able to call myself a true musician...and I want to make my future happen.
Yay for late night thinking! I think I'm going to practice now....
-Roddy
Crap No. 1:
Music is all I've ever wanted to do with my life. Growing up I was always so good at what I do. I was always the best player and I always did what I was supposed to do to get to college. I told myself that things like music theory wouldn't be a problem because of how much I love music. I'm starting to realize that love isn't enough. I've also never really had to work hard to sound really good (or really good according to high school standards, bleh)...it sucks that it's taken me this long to realize how dumb I've been. I really can't expect to go anywhere with music if I'm not prepared to actually work my ass off. I always complained about how bad I am at music theory or how I just don't understand it, yet I never cracked a book. I always expected to just know it...I never actually worked on it. No wonder I made a D+ last term. How can I expect to communicate intelligently with my colleagues if I don't understand what the hell I'm doing?? It sucks that I've so little time left to pull up my grades and show grad schools that I'm not a complete fuck. I'm going to have to start back at the beginning with theory and make myself understand and learn it. I need to, I WANT to learn it...why has it taken this long!? Hind sight is 20/20 I guess, and I suck so hard... I'm really glad that Dr. Chesebro has decided to kick my ass over my playing. He's got me in the practice room and actually working. For the first time in these two years I feel like I'm making progress. I just want people to view me as a talented and good player. I'm tired of feeling dumb or like I can't play compared to some people in my studio. I've got just as much talent as any of them and more than some, I just haven't been applying myself to ANY aspect of my life. So, thank you Dr. Chesebro, you've done me a great service by making me feel like shit in my lessons; I really needed it. I just want so much to become a professional musician. I want this for me and for my family. I feel like they've never had anything or anyone to be proud of and I want to give them that. I want to offer people all over the world my trade and I want it to have the effect on them that it's had on me. It means too much to me to just give up and try something easier. Nobody said that music was easy...I just assumed it was.
Solution to Crap No. 1:
Work your ass off and apply yourself to the things that you need to apply yourself to. You have what it takes and now you need to prove it to yourself. Get it done and make everyone proud.
Crap No. 2:
Why the hell do I want a relationship so damn much? All I've seen from other people is shit...nobody like being in a relationship because they never seem to work out. So why do I think that I'll be any different? Why am I looking here at Furman? I'm clearly not going to find a steady and stable relationship here. The main problem with this is that it's beginning to affect the way I live. It's changing my moods and how productive I am. Dr. Chesebro told me that I'm either really happy or really sad, no in-between. I need to find my happy median and if not being a relationship is what I need, then damn, I need to do it.
Solution to Crap No. 2:
Get the fuck over yourself. You know that nothing is going to happen here at Furman with ANYONE. The sooner that you accept that, the sooner you'll be a more happy and functional person.
Crap No. 3:
I'm letting myself get sucked into my friends drama. I'm letting myself be too available for them. I need to start being selfish for once and think of myself. I care so much for the people in my life but I'm starting to think that they don't really feel the same. I make too much time for social activities and not enough time for the things that will pay my bills. I need to start balancing the things I do and with whom I do them. Work comes first...and I love it, so it shouldn't be a problem!
Solution to Crap No. 3:
Practice your damn clarinet. You know you love it and what you're going to be doing with it. The majority of people here are only temporary and they won't help you in the future. Make more time to do the things you need and love. BE SELFISH!
Finally, Crap No. 4:
I care way too much about what people think about me. I let them dictate how I feel. I open myself up to being made fun of and it hurts me when it happens. I never stick up for myself and I never say when something is bothering me. My friends make fun of me constantly everyday and I say nothing! I just sit there and watch them laugh at me. I take things way too seriously.
Solution to Crap No. 4:
Stick up for yourself. Maybe realize that a lot of what people say isn't meant to be taken seriously. If you really want things to start changing, then be the change you want to see in your life! Don't give people reasons to make fun of you. And if they do make fun of you, deduce whether or not it's serious. If it isn't keep going and don't let it affect you.
This has been the longest post in a very long time...I guess I've just had a lot on my mind. I know that I can make all of this happen. I got myself here to Furman and I can make it the best time of my life. I want to be a more learned person. I want to be able to call myself a true musician...and I want to make my future happen.
Yay for late night thinking! I think I'm going to practice now....
-Roddy