Cold and Broken Hallelujah...
So Ive found my pen once again it seems.....
I have allot to be greatful for,but can hardly find myself these days...
I hope that you will understand my writings tonight,as I feel the words more than I can express them with the keyboard... I feel I have accomplished so much,yet have so little to show... For some reasons,known and unknown,Ive seemingly come to a darker side of my life in the last couple of years for what seems like an eternity now... I still cry I guess,but I wouldn't know...
I have a hardened heart that has a hard time feeling,if you will...
I don't know what has happened to my drive I used to have... I somehow lost it sometime ago... Its been well over a year now since I last rode any rodeos... I miss my Brother... My best friend... I miss Jason...
I have since acquired his two ol'friends "Punk and Prince"... I wanted them so badly I could taste it,yet I have only managed to saddle up Punk about three times now... Its just not the same anymore... I think I was trying to buy back my memories... Cant do that you know... I thought I might see Jason once more in the horses breath while its cold,ya know...No Jason...Just the cold... I havent been back to Arlington Cemetery since the funeral...
Well,thats all I have to say about that...
I have two children now... My little girl Lacy,is 3 now,and my boy Lance,is 1yr.2 months old... They sure are a handful let me tell you... They are beautiful little squirts... My wife has a full day each day with em,thats for sure... I however feel very guilty for not being as good a father and husband as I should be... Dont get me wrong,I haven t cheated on my wife, or beat my kids or anything like that,but I feel Im not the fella I used to be,nor the one that I said I would be to myself... Just fell short of my own expectations I guess... It seems as though Im not really appreciated by most as much as Id like... I think if I could get myself outa this callus Im in,I might have a chance of some type to prove myself once again...
I also feel Im not as close to God anymore... I think Im so ashamed of whats become of me lately,Im embarrassed to talk to him... If someone out there still prays for those in need I could sure use it.... I might be,...no I defiantly am being a coward... Im so afraid I might lose something else,Im so caught up in it all,Im letting the important things slip right outa my grasp... You know what? Its a damn shame when you know all this and still cant seem to pull out of it... People say I must be brave for having rode a 2000 pd. bull before,or crazy some might say...
Truth is,I think the brave are those who can grab life by its horns and hold on like hell,only letting go till the point of death... I thought I had it by the horns at one time... But now I realize Im just getting up outa the dirt to brush myself off,when now I know Ive slipped off,but cant seem to get a hold of it again... I have little else to say for now... But I will say this...
Never let go... Its hard as hell to get back on...
I have allot to be greatful for,but can hardly find myself these days...
I hope that you will understand my writings tonight,as I feel the words more than I can express them with the keyboard... I feel I have accomplished so much,yet have so little to show... For some reasons,known and unknown,Ive seemingly come to a darker side of my life in the last couple of years for what seems like an eternity now... I still cry I guess,but I wouldn't know...
I have a hardened heart that has a hard time feeling,if you will...
I don't know what has happened to my drive I used to have... I somehow lost it sometime ago... Its been well over a year now since I last rode any rodeos... I miss my Brother... My best friend... I miss Jason...
I have since acquired his two ol'friends "Punk and Prince"... I wanted them so badly I could taste it,yet I have only managed to saddle up Punk about three times now... Its just not the same anymore... I think I was trying to buy back my memories... Cant do that you know... I thought I might see Jason once more in the horses breath while its cold,ya know...No Jason...Just the cold... I havent been back to Arlington Cemetery since the funeral...
Well,thats all I have to say about that...
I have two children now... My little girl Lacy,is 3 now,and my boy Lance,is 1yr.2 months old... They sure are a handful let me tell you... They are beautiful little squirts... My wife has a full day each day with em,thats for sure... I however feel very guilty for not being as good a father and husband as I should be... Dont get me wrong,I haven t cheated on my wife, or beat my kids or anything like that,but I feel Im not the fella I used to be,nor the one that I said I would be to myself... Just fell short of my own expectations I guess... It seems as though Im not really appreciated by most as much as Id like... I think if I could get myself outa this callus Im in,I might have a chance of some type to prove myself once again...
I also feel Im not as close to God anymore... I think Im so ashamed of whats become of me lately,Im embarrassed to talk to him... If someone out there still prays for those in need I could sure use it.... I might be,...no I defiantly am being a coward... Im so afraid I might lose something else,Im so caught up in it all,Im letting the important things slip right outa my grasp... You know what? Its a damn shame when you know all this and still cant seem to pull out of it... People say I must be brave for having rode a 2000 pd. bull before,or crazy some might say...
Truth is,I think the brave are those who can grab life by its horns and hold on like hell,only letting go till the point of death... I thought I had it by the horns at one time... But now I realize Im just getting up outa the dirt to brush myself off,when now I know Ive slipped off,but cant seem to get a hold of it again... I have little else to say for now... But I will say this...
Never let go... Its hard as hell to get back on...