Stagnation and masturbation
Fuckinghell.
I don't know what to think anymore. I ain't complaining, but...it is dis-easing. I just plain don't know what to think.
Jeordie and I...who knows what is going on. She is not in love with me. I sleep with her and kiss her, but to her it feels like I'm her best friend. I don't know if I want to be that right now. I love her a lot, but I'm not sure if this is going to work the way I want it to. The way we both want it to. I know this because we talked about it the other night while we were in bed just before we were to go to sleep. It ended with me laughing until I cried. And then the next day, I tried ditching work to have a date with her. Later on, I got threatened to get fired if I ditched. I ended up getting into an argument with her...well, not really. I ended up just yelling at her because I was so pissed at a conglomeration of different things. Everything is starting to feel strained. Even when we tell each other "I love you" it's as though we are waiting for one of us to say it first. And Sunday night, it didn't happen.
Our job...our hours got cut because our dipshit boss thinks she can do a better job. So she's taking this week's, my shifts in order to find out. That leaves Jeordie working evenings. I wont be around her this week until Friday. Personally, I feel it's probably best. Time apart. And frankly, I don't want to hear from her. She calls every night. Except last night. And still no word from her even now. I wonder if she feels the same.
I went to Bad Religion last night with Chris R., Ashley, and Nathan at the Rialto. Amazing, fun. But not too long a set.
Ashley...she's cute. Very cute. She moved back here to Tucson from Illinois recently. We met up downtown. I bought her and Chris' tickets. We drove around, I bought her mom alcohol with the money she gave me, then we went out to pick up Chris. We went to the practice spaces building near the Ronstadt, went upstairs into a hallway, showed each other our tattoos, drank some whiskey and went to the show. I noticed she was looking for me after I went into the mosh pit and came back into the crowd. Like really peering around the crowd hardly paying attention to the band. I think she likes me. She looks at me a lot. I know this because I look at her a lot. I stood next to her the whole time basically. And we were jumping up and down with Chris and Nathan. Having a blast. She drums on her thighs to music like I do. That's an interesting perk.
After the show, Chris and I went to her grandma's place and drank the night away until sometime in 2 or 3 this morning. DRUNK. And Chris got naked. And I'm surprised I didn't puke. We all tried carrying each other, and we were all sort of wrestling.
I woke up at 6:30. Around the same time Ashley woke. She was getting breakfast ready and she was wearing a pair of pink and white panties and a small wifebeater, no bra. I couldn't help but stare at her figure every time she walked past. For a white chick, she is bangin'. Not to sound racist, but for some reason it's hard for me to get into Caucasians. Just the way I'm wired I guess.
She made eggs and pancakes. She put peanut butter on her flapjacks. I hear she experiments with food combinations a lot...it's another thing we have in common. And if I was still a practicing pescatarian, that would be something else.
I took a shower there and came into the living room drenched with a towel barely hanging on. I was grabbing my clothes. Even sucking in my stomach a little as I was standing in her line of sight. I'm such a dork.
I think I want her.
But then again. I don't know what to think.
And it bugs me that it bugs me.
I don't know what to think anymore. I ain't complaining, but...it is dis-easing. I just plain don't know what to think.
Jeordie and I...who knows what is going on. She is not in love with me. I sleep with her and kiss her, but to her it feels like I'm her best friend. I don't know if I want to be that right now. I love her a lot, but I'm not sure if this is going to work the way I want it to. The way we both want it to. I know this because we talked about it the other night while we were in bed just before we were to go to sleep. It ended with me laughing until I cried. And then the next day, I tried ditching work to have a date with her. Later on, I got threatened to get fired if I ditched. I ended up getting into an argument with her...well, not really. I ended up just yelling at her because I was so pissed at a conglomeration of different things. Everything is starting to feel strained. Even when we tell each other "I love you" it's as though we are waiting for one of us to say it first. And Sunday night, it didn't happen.
Our job...our hours got cut because our dipshit boss thinks she can do a better job. So she's taking this week's, my shifts in order to find out. That leaves Jeordie working evenings. I wont be around her this week until Friday. Personally, I feel it's probably best. Time apart. And frankly, I don't want to hear from her. She calls every night. Except last night. And still no word from her even now. I wonder if she feels the same.
I went to Bad Religion last night with Chris R., Ashley, and Nathan at the Rialto. Amazing, fun. But not too long a set.
Ashley...she's cute. Very cute. She moved back here to Tucson from Illinois recently. We met up downtown. I bought her and Chris' tickets. We drove around, I bought her mom alcohol with the money she gave me, then we went out to pick up Chris. We went to the practice spaces building near the Ronstadt, went upstairs into a hallway, showed each other our tattoos, drank some whiskey and went to the show. I noticed she was looking for me after I went into the mosh pit and came back into the crowd. Like really peering around the crowd hardly paying attention to the band. I think she likes me. She looks at me a lot. I know this because I look at her a lot. I stood next to her the whole time basically. And we were jumping up and down with Chris and Nathan. Having a blast. She drums on her thighs to music like I do. That's an interesting perk.
After the show, Chris and I went to her grandma's place and drank the night away until sometime in 2 or 3 this morning. DRUNK. And Chris got naked. And I'm surprised I didn't puke. We all tried carrying each other, and we were all sort of wrestling.
I woke up at 6:30. Around the same time Ashley woke. She was getting breakfast ready and she was wearing a pair of pink and white panties and a small wifebeater, no bra. I couldn't help but stare at her figure every time she walked past. For a white chick, she is bangin'. Not to sound racist, but for some reason it's hard for me to get into Caucasians. Just the way I'm wired I guess.
She made eggs and pancakes. She put peanut butter on her flapjacks. I hear she experiments with food combinations a lot...it's another thing we have in common. And if I was still a practicing pescatarian, that would be something else.
I took a shower there and came into the living room drenched with a towel barely hanging on. I was grabbing my clothes. Even sucking in my stomach a little as I was standing in her line of sight. I'm such a dork.
I think I want her.
But then again. I don't know what to think.
And it bugs me that it bugs me.