Let's Zuiikin English!
"Let's Zuikkin English!!!"
Think I'm crazy? Have no freakin idea what I'm talking about? Allow me to explain:
Zuiikin English ("Muscle English") was a Japanese television show that ran in 1992 (rebroadcast on Fuji TV in 2005), whose purpose it was to teach Japanese people English phrases. Rather than approach it from a deathly boring, textbook-like angle, the show employed an actual doctor who believed that calisthenics was the best way to learn English, and that for maximum effect, certain words should be matched up with certain aerobic movements. As you'll witness in the videos below, the unfortunate result of this ideology was embarrassing aerobics, bad music, worse acting, a laughable script, and plenty of hot pants. But hey, enough of my blabbing. I'll let the Zuiikin Gals and the rest of the geek brigade do the talking (and dancing!).
The scenario: A young Japanese woman, a fat man and a skinny man poorly act out a mugging in order to introduce useful self-defense phrases like "Spare me my life!" to the Japanese.
What's wrong with it: Plenty. To start out, the girl gasps in horror before she's even seen the man come up to her and grab her. Next, the fat mugger wears his bandana like a bonnet under his nose, blatantly revealing his face and ensuring that she'll easily be able to pick him out of a lineup when the time comes. Fatty says "shut up" before she's said anything, and only after he says it does she let out a girlish scream. And didn't I have a pocket knife like that when I was eight so my parents could teach me responsibility? Finally, any mugging scenario is going to call for quick instincts; if you have to think about the line "Take anything you want!" by remembering its accompanying dance move, you're thinking too much.
Why it's hilarious: For exactly the reasons it's wrong. And doesn't that set piece with the potted ferns just crack you up?
Best line: "Spare me my life!" (set to the "Spare Me My Life" hop-dance, of course).
The scenario: A dumb guy insults someone who looks like the Terminator and pays dearly for it by getting laser-gun sound effects shot at his chest.
What's wrong with it: Obviously the actors have to speak slowly in order to teach the language lesson, but those insults are being hurled at the Terminator lookalike with all the speed of a three-legged tortoise wading through a bog. Also, when you think about it, the "yo mama" joke doesn't really make sense.
Why it's hilarious: The idea that the Terminator would blast away a guy without anything more threatening than a lame "yo mama" joke attests to how laughably out of touch the entire Zuiikin English series is. And for some reason, the way the guy in the orange shirt said "So there!" made me fall out of my chair in hysterics.
Best line: "You bucket of bolts!"
The scenario: None. It's just you and the goddamn Zuiikin gals as they dance such various unrelated phrases as "Unbelievable! It's amazing! We did it!" and "You must be tired from your long flight."
What's wrong with it: Contrary to the show's belief, a phrase like "He gives his sincere regards" isn't all that useful if you're not going to combine it with anything else. Of course, that would require learning many more ridiculous dances. And then there's the way they actually say the phrase, "He gives his sincere regards," which sounds like "He givles is sinsierre regar"; in other words, mangled fucking Japanglish.
Why it's hilarious: Any geeky American boys who inexplicably associated the Zuiikin gals with sex shouldn't feel ashamed any longer, as the gals' pelvic thrusts now make it blatantly obvious that they were meant to give us boners all along.
Best line: "Unbelievable! It's amazing! We did it!" ...Did what?
The scenario: This one's a two-parter. Part One involves Fatty McGee from the first video now playing a drunk, cheating husband who comes home to his wife and a plate of macaroni with lipstick on his cheek and a tie wrapped around his head. When he walks in late, she screams at him in that whiny, irksome way as only a crazybitch Japanese lady can. In Part Two, the gals dance phrases that are essentially meant to get people angry ("How dare you say such a thing to me!"), but there's a twist: the show now features men (!) doing those same dopey dances, and in public no less. If you last that long, you might even catch the itty bitty Part Three, in which the fat guy tells a joke that's obviously more funny to him than it is to me.
What's wrong with it: If you're going to say things like "How dare you say such a thing to me!" and "You drive me crazy!" in a culture you don't understand and without any of the requisite phrases you'll need for the heated argument that will inevitably ensue ("You look like a monkey's uncle!"), you will almost surely end up with a footprint on your derriere.
Why it's hilarious: Way too many reasons to list, but here goes: The show subtitles the fat guy's hiccups to indicate drunkenness (yes, the subtitle actually reads, "hiccup, hiccup"). And can someone tell me what kind of sex this guy had to engage in to end up with a tie around his head like a retarded Daniel Boone? Next, for all the laughs the gals unwittingly produce, it isn't a patch on the guys, who appear like absolutely normal Japanese chefs and businessmen who one day decided to congregate in the courtyard and do some English phrase dances, and who are about ten times funnier for it--not to mention that they're visibly more aware of their own ridiculousness. I mean they're cracking up for heaven's sake! And hey, between you and me...that guy's tumble when his wife pushes him over is worth about $1000. Their expressions alone are worth $200 apiece.
Best line:
Woman: "What's this thing? Isn't it lipstick? Auugh!"
Man: "I wonder how it got there?"
Woman: "*%^%#$@@@!*%%lotsacrazyjapanese$@^%^$%%&^#@!!!"
and
Man: "Don't get mad, you'll get more wrinkles"
Woman: "*%^%#$@@@!*%%lotsacrazyjapanese$@^%^$%%&^#@!!!"