This little instructional journal entry is entitled:
"How to be a Loud, Annoying, Egotistical, Self-Centered, Womanizing, Tactless, Showoffy, Preening and Pretentious Asshole"
(by me)
![](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v103/rodanside/Sam_Endicott_i.jpg)
Ever want to know how to impress your friends and piss everyone else the hell off by living up to the above title? Sure, we all do (unless you're a woman, in which case, change "Womanizing" to "Manizing"). We've all seen them around--in bars, at coffeeshops, driving their oversized luxury monstrosities, etc. Thankfully, this little instructional journal entry should give you all the tools you need to live the dream you've always hoped to achieve. You prick.
Step 1: Eliminate all words over two syllables from your vocabulary
Just becuase you're an asshole doesn't mean you're an idiot, but the chances are pretty good that you are. So, while it may seem like a chore to eradicate all three-or-greater-syllable words from your vocabulary, it's a necessary step. Otherwise, the people you're commingling with will suspect that you're well-read and well-educated, and you'll once again end up without any friends. Also, make sure that you use a low, blunted bark to go with all those dumbed-down words.
If you're having trouble turning your big words into little, assholish ones, use these as examples:
ancillary ---> supplementary ---> additional ---> extra ---> shit.
sobriquet ---> designation ---> description ---> nickname ---> biatch.
lugubrious ---> disconsolate ---> downcast ---> glum ---> nice ass.
Step 2: Buy a BMW
All assholes drive BMWs. It's a scientific fact proven by all of the living scientists and even some of the dead ones. If you can't afford a BMW, that's ok. Steal one.
Be sure to equip it with 22-inch wheels that could kill a horse under its weight, and all of the after-market equipment you can find so that what people see when you're riding down the street is not a car but an unholy monster on wheels that really, really hates your guts. Finally, godawful rap music is an integral part of the whole experience, and should, when you have it playing in your car, sound very much like:
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!
Remember the Asshole/BMW tagline: "If it's not a BMW, it's your mom's bowel movement."
Step 3: Wear a really big watch
The watch you wear must be--approximately--the size of a human head. A Rolex is preferred, so that you can show everyone what a rich cock you are. There are also plenty of Rolex replicas available, such as Romex, Lorex, Citizen, Yugo, Black & Decker, and Hostess. Remember: Size is fucking *everything*.
![](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v103/rodanside/rolex_datejust2_lg-1.jpg)
(nope)
![](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v103/rodanside/rolex_datejust2_lg-2.jpg)
(mmm, nope)
![](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v103/rodanside/rolex_datejust2_lg.jpg)
(perfect)
Step 4: Ass
Yes, this step is called "Ass." Know it. Live it. Love it. Grab it.
Make sure not to keep your eyes averted above waist level, else you could actually look into people's eyes (dear God no!) instead of keeping them glued to what really matters here. When you're talking to a woman about her ass, it's a good idea to use a set of stock vocabulary words to describe it (forget Step 1 for this part), including (but not limited to):
-Succulent
-Juicy
-Bulbous
-Luscious
-Delicious
-Incredulous (be careful with this one--while we all know that the intended effect of telling a woman she has an "incredulous ass" is to assure her that her ass is beyond normal human belief, she may not know what you're talking about and your plan could backfire, ensuring that you have a particularly assless night that night.)
-Big
Best if slapped.
Step 5: Put it all together
Now you're ready to combine those steps into one spitting, barking, drooling, hairgelled mass of human behavior. Here are some possible scenarios that you might find yourself in. Study and learn:
Guy 1: What should we do tonight?
Guy 2: I dunno. Shit. Fuck. Nice ass.
Guy 3: What?
Guy 2: Nothin'. Shit.
*
Guy: Like my BMW?
Girl: Yeah it's alright I guess--
Guy: YOU LIKE MY BMW!!!
Girl: ...
Guy: Damn right, bitch. Shit. Nice ass.
*
Guy: Nice ass.
Houseplant: Shut up.
*
Guy: Like my Rolex?
Girl: Sure. Hey, could you tell me what time it is?
Guy: Uh, k....uhh, it's uh.....umm.....damn, so the minute hand goes like that, and the second hand--
Girl: *sigh*
*
Guy: Hey Rolex, where you goin'?
Rolex: I quit. I'm sick of being on your wrist. Besides, half the time I'm shoved up some lady's buttcrack when you're out on the town having the experience of your life. This is my two weeks notice. Wait, on second thought, screw your two weeks notice--I'm giving you now's notice that I'm up and leaving. I've had it, y'hear?
Guy: Aw, Rolex, don't go. Nice ass?
Rolex: Bite me, pervert!
*
With these few small steps, you should be well on your way to becoming a loud, annoying, egotistical, self-centered, womanizing, tactless, showoffy, preening and pretentious asshole. We all know assholes have all the fun around here, so why not join the party? I guarantee that after just one night of getting these steps down pat, you're assured to have a wild night in the sack.
But if that sack happens to be made of burlap and normally holds potatoes during the daytime, don't look at me. You deserve it, you jerk.