dear diary, im bleeding... pull it out.
so much like the eagerly awaited season premiere of "lost" i have also returned to the prime time... and holy hell in a Viet-cong hand basket full of grenades in denang, man is this season gonna be explosive!!! everyone hates a cliff hanger, and im sure you all are just dying to dive head first into the new season, to find out all those arduously debated and prematurely speculated things like: what job do i have this week? what characters were voted off the island and who wont be returning this season? Why is it that I really want to make a “who shot JR” reference here even though we all know that wouldn’t be very funny? and how frequently do i still complain about women just not taking breast cancer seriously enough? (seriously ladies, its not a joke and you could die, so have your free mammary exam anytime at my house.) Exciting questions? you want ANSWERS!?!?!?! Oh you bet your bottom dollar there will be sun, biotch… but before i get to all that and then some actual good stuff, id just like to start off by saying the cast and i had a lovely and well deserved hiatus. the show as you well know, is very near and dear to my heart, and to all the loyal fans who avidly enjoy my program, let me just say that thankfully the whole breach of contract, and holding out on the show to make a few extra million per episode is all behind us... even if it didnt work out in my fucking favor you fucking technical writing lawyer pricks!. oh, mr. gandolfini... how can you be so unattractive and yet so debonair?
so the writing staff (oh, wait a minute…you didnt think that i actually write this shit do you? Oh hell no, double no, and a big FUCK NO to all you dim witted pop culture zombies who hang onto the coat tails of my every last ghost written word to stay informed with what is hip, trendy, or as they say in coolsville, "on the DL, my Jiggy Niggy." Im kidding, they don’t say that. That’s racial. I mean if youre white then you cant say it, but if youre black then sure, you can say it… not that you would want to say it or anything… I mean its not like all black people go around making up cool sayings all the time, no… that’s not what I am implying… I mean you can say really anything you like… if youre black I mean, not white… well I mean you shouldn’t just go around saying just anything to be mean to white people… or other races of people for that matter either. I actually just broke it off with a girl who was in fact, ethnic, so I mean, im not racial… and in fact did you know that in palestin…pakist... in one of the middle eastern languages... cause i cant remember which country she came from but anyway, 7-11 is actually a bad word. I don’t mean that as racial either, im just telling “you” in a formal setting, so you know not to say slurpie around them. Seriously, its not funny. I mean I know why people think its funny, cause its like haha, that’s so stereotypical right? Wrong. Never funny. Never.
Let me get back to where I was going. im just an actor... a very good looking, talented, and charismatic actor... but hell, im not even a real person. all though I do take credit for all the good things about me, truth be told... the "writing staff" gets very pissy if you dont occasionally give them some short lived, glory hole morsel to nibble on... which is literally why i have a staff of all female writers... and one cross dresser, but you cant even tell the difference really... anyways, oh and the "glory hole" yeah, thats not so figuratively used here either, as it is an actual hole which has been custom fitted into my desk...at both my home and office, or as we like to call it… ok as I like to call it “the orifice” haha, get it?...do ya? to see if i can even further tangent this massacre of the english language to a not so pretty place called hades and back - the glory hole is much of the reason why nothing gets done around here in Lj-Land, other than me that is...yeah see that was just a totally unnecessary finality to the whole blowjob reference ensemble and may i say, that i didnt much care for it either. again just in case you got lost in the verbal swamp of sorrow that just spewed from the tips of my sad little man fingers… im sorry for being a poor writer in clear denial of his own autobiographical talents, and or lack thereof.
(oh fyi: and im just throwing this in here (1) i know i have an obsession with commas, and (2) also an obsession with the whole [...] thing. Yeah, so what? my writing staff, {when they arent physically impaled on the fury also known as "lurking cock monster through the looky hole"} have tried encouraging me countless numbers of times not to abuse these nifty features - as it makes me look less trust worthy, mildly less attractive, and or competent ... ... ... but let me say this: MY SHOW, MY GRAMMAR RULES, AND IF YOU DONT FUCKING LIKE IT... please continue to watch anyway. Im needy, insecure and I support our troops. k, thanks.)
oh fuck it, lets just start over again from the beginning.
*rev. 2* so the writing staff and I, have spent the last several months holed up in a bunker "my summer cottage in the hamptons" where we have tirelessly hammered away on the new scripts, spent loads of money on frivolous things like new team water polo uniforms in bulk, and generally getting wasted to the point of unconsciousness everyday - which btw, let me tell you, sounds so much more fantastic to jot down here in this journal rather than the revealing the god awful, miserable truth that i really endure here in Alabama.
Back to the matter at hand, i have to say that the new concept for the show, all mine btw, is going to BLOW YOUR F'ING MIND. now that you have a measurable definition of what it means to be seriously let down later, i will continue ranting aimlessly. thanks to some intense brainstorming sessions, weekend long xanex binges, and countless would be hookers, if it werent for the fact that they prefer substances instead of actual monetary payments - it is without modesty that i, would like to now impress upon you, with what i like to call "thinking so far outside the box, that you never really think of anything other than the box itself." this revolutionary new ratings strategy is so conceptually effective in nature, so brutally captivating, so... well... doest fucking revolutionary just about cover it then? can i move on now? ok, yes i can. just checking. sorry, i havent written anything in sometime... its so revolutionary that man, in all his 4-6000 biblically accurate years of existence, has been staring at it right in the face and never saw it until now.
after some grueling product shopping, customer model developing with new *pixel shader 2.0 technology (/geek humor just for the 3 of you), and core/base demographic audience analysis, the results were astoundingly desirable but somewhat unrealistic. we saw a definite need to cater to a more attractive women audience, ages (17 - menopause) who would be inclined to maintain, (but not in any official or committed capacity) to having infrequent meaningless, and highly animalistic/ borderline degrading sex with the lead cast member of this show; me. However after extensive data mining the conclusive results indicated that the audiences most likely to be more interested that our target audience, would be autistic children, pedophiles, gay men who have a thing for the young look, or some chick who just finds me mildly less annoying than other whiney-boy journals, occasionally reads between the lines, seeing some semblance - a modicum if you will - of tragedy turned comedy; and also wouldnt mind lending themselves to me as a prop, turned sympathy fuck, while i cry like a little girl during the entire 6 minutes and 12 seconds of it.
but who needs focus group data, right? that shit is so totally 1980s corporate synergy mumbo jumbo... right? someone please tell me im right because i cant live in a world where all the evidence points to the awkward feeling and looking, savior complex archetype girl, whose hobbies would, statistically speaking of course, most likely be nursing wilted plants back to life, and have a fondness for unicorn pictures.
ok, now im lost, where was i? oh thats right, i was making this post sound like i was actually appreciated by more than a handful of people and that they, the fictitious audience they are, could somewhat adore such a horrible and filthy man like myself. (which thank god, never happens in the real world.) speaking of lost, now that its the third time ive mentioned it, that episode last night was probably the best hour of television... EVER. at least top 3 crowning moments of television achievement. Not even the whole LAX plane sparky thing was as exciting, well except possibly to the passengers.
Im going to shut up though. my brain is just bubbling over like raw sewage thats been piling up for months and my septic tank that I call a soul needs to be flushed out and pumped back into lake ponchatrain so that i might con a few more filthy whores into my life with the glitz and glamor of a rather bland, cajun spice flavor.
this post is actually a +2 chain mail letter. if you do not effectively make a link to this post in your journal and have 10 people do the same thing in theirs, then a category 5 hurricane will hit the gulf coast texas/lousiana area no later than saturday. dont be a horrible person and let something like this, something completely in your capable hands, happen when you could have prevented it.
i genuinely am ego manical. even if you are too dense to read through the passive aggressive bullshit.
so the writing staff (oh, wait a minute…you didnt think that i actually write this shit do you? Oh hell no, double no, and a big FUCK NO to all you dim witted pop culture zombies who hang onto the coat tails of my every last ghost written word to stay informed with what is hip, trendy, or as they say in coolsville, "on the DL, my Jiggy Niggy." Im kidding, they don’t say that. That’s racial. I mean if youre white then you cant say it, but if youre black then sure, you can say it… not that you would want to say it or anything… I mean its not like all black people go around making up cool sayings all the time, no… that’s not what I am implying… I mean you can say really anything you like… if youre black I mean, not white… well I mean you shouldn’t just go around saying just anything to be mean to white people… or other races of people for that matter either. I actually just broke it off with a girl who was in fact, ethnic, so I mean, im not racial… and in fact did you know that in palestin…pakist... in one of the middle eastern languages... cause i cant remember which country she came from but anyway, 7-11 is actually a bad word. I don’t mean that as racial either, im just telling “you” in a formal setting, so you know not to say slurpie around them. Seriously, its not funny. I mean I know why people think its funny, cause its like haha, that’s so stereotypical right? Wrong. Never funny. Never.
Let me get back to where I was going. im just an actor... a very good looking, talented, and charismatic actor... but hell, im not even a real person. all though I do take credit for all the good things about me, truth be told... the "writing staff" gets very pissy if you dont occasionally give them some short lived, glory hole morsel to nibble on... which is literally why i have a staff of all female writers... and one cross dresser, but you cant even tell the difference really... anyways, oh and the "glory hole" yeah, thats not so figuratively used here either, as it is an actual hole which has been custom fitted into my desk...at both my home and office, or as we like to call it… ok as I like to call it “the orifice” haha, get it?...do ya? to see if i can even further tangent this massacre of the english language to a not so pretty place called hades and back - the glory hole is much of the reason why nothing gets done around here in Lj-Land, other than me that is...yeah see that was just a totally unnecessary finality to the whole blowjob reference ensemble and may i say, that i didnt much care for it either. again just in case you got lost in the verbal swamp of sorrow that just spewed from the tips of my sad little man fingers… im sorry for being a poor writer in clear denial of his own autobiographical talents, and or lack thereof.
(oh fyi: and im just throwing this in here (1) i know i have an obsession with commas, and (2) also an obsession with the whole [...] thing. Yeah, so what? my writing staff, {when they arent physically impaled on the fury also known as "lurking cock monster through the looky hole"} have tried encouraging me countless numbers of times not to abuse these nifty features - as it makes me look less trust worthy, mildly less attractive, and or competent ... ... ... but let me say this: MY SHOW, MY GRAMMAR RULES, AND IF YOU DONT FUCKING LIKE IT... please continue to watch anyway. Im needy, insecure and I support our troops. k, thanks.)
oh fuck it, lets just start over again from the beginning.
*rev. 2* so the writing staff and I, have spent the last several months holed up in a bunker "my summer cottage in the hamptons" where we have tirelessly hammered away on the new scripts, spent loads of money on frivolous things like new team water polo uniforms in bulk, and generally getting wasted to the point of unconsciousness everyday - which btw, let me tell you, sounds so much more fantastic to jot down here in this journal rather than the revealing the god awful, miserable truth that i really endure here in Alabama.
Back to the matter at hand, i have to say that the new concept for the show, all mine btw, is going to BLOW YOUR F'ING MIND. now that you have a measurable definition of what it means to be seriously let down later, i will continue ranting aimlessly. thanks to some intense brainstorming sessions, weekend long xanex binges, and countless would be hookers, if it werent for the fact that they prefer substances instead of actual monetary payments - it is without modesty that i, would like to now impress upon you, with what i like to call "thinking so far outside the box, that you never really think of anything other than the box itself." this revolutionary new ratings strategy is so conceptually effective in nature, so brutally captivating, so... well... doest fucking revolutionary just about cover it then? can i move on now? ok, yes i can. just checking. sorry, i havent written anything in sometime... its so revolutionary that man, in all his 4-6000 biblically accurate years of existence, has been staring at it right in the face and never saw it until now.
after some grueling product shopping, customer model developing with new *pixel shader 2.0 technology (/geek humor just for the 3 of you), and core/base demographic audience analysis, the results were astoundingly desirable but somewhat unrealistic. we saw a definite need to cater to a more attractive women audience, ages (17 - menopause) who would be inclined to maintain, (but not in any official or committed capacity) to having infrequent meaningless, and highly animalistic/ borderline degrading sex with the lead cast member of this show; me. However after extensive data mining the conclusive results indicated that the audiences most likely to be more interested that our target audience, would be autistic children, pedophiles, gay men who have a thing for the young look, or some chick who just finds me mildly less annoying than other whiney-boy journals, occasionally reads between the lines, seeing some semblance - a modicum if you will - of tragedy turned comedy; and also wouldnt mind lending themselves to me as a prop, turned sympathy fuck, while i cry like a little girl during the entire 6 minutes and 12 seconds of it.
but who needs focus group data, right? that shit is so totally 1980s corporate synergy mumbo jumbo... right? someone please tell me im right because i cant live in a world where all the evidence points to the awkward feeling and looking, savior complex archetype girl, whose hobbies would, statistically speaking of course, most likely be nursing wilted plants back to life, and have a fondness for unicorn pictures.
ok, now im lost, where was i? oh thats right, i was making this post sound like i was actually appreciated by more than a handful of people and that they, the fictitious audience they are, could somewhat adore such a horrible and filthy man like myself. (which thank god, never happens in the real world.) speaking of lost, now that its the third time ive mentioned it, that episode last night was probably the best hour of television... EVER. at least top 3 crowning moments of television achievement. Not even the whole LAX plane sparky thing was as exciting, well except possibly to the passengers.
Im going to shut up though. my brain is just bubbling over like raw sewage thats been piling up for months and my septic tank that I call a soul needs to be flushed out and pumped back into lake ponchatrain so that i might con a few more filthy whores into my life with the glitz and glamor of a rather bland, cajun spice flavor.
this post is actually a +2 chain mail letter. if you do not effectively make a link to this post in your journal and have 10 people do the same thing in theirs, then a category 5 hurricane will hit the gulf coast texas/lousiana area no later than saturday. dont be a horrible person and let something like this, something completely in your capable hands, happen when you could have prevented it.
i genuinely am ego manical. even if you are too dense to read through the passive aggressive bullshit.