Still alive
An individual once commented that according to my blog, I'm nothing more than a messy ball of angst. I strongly suspect that this is true. We read an excerpt in a class last week concerning the notion that letters and diaries are excellent primary sources to get to really know an author, to get beyond any show or pretense that they put on for the public. This except basically said that that is complete crap. We're usually more pretentious in letters, and most diaries generally consist of rants and other overly-emotional thoughts that are not real representations of how we generally think and feel at all. I would agree wholeheartedly with this.
That being said, a few notes of business, and then onto the ranting, which is really more thinking-on-paper. It is frustrated thinking, so I suppose it still qualifies as angsty.
1. I do not have internet at home. This means I have been taking Leonardo to the library, downloading all of my E-mails, doing research for my homework and going home. At home I read my E-mails and write responses, which are sent out when I return to the library a week later. I have not read a single blog in weeks. I fully intend to catch up on blogs soon… honest. But if something terrible or wonderful has happened in your life and I have not commented on it, it is because I am unaware of it, and I will be sure to mourn or rejoice with you just as soon as I'm caught up.
2. I have been sick. This also contributes to my internet-absence. After a nice dose of narcotics, I am now doing much better and am back among the living.
3. School is kicking my butt all over the place. This is why even when I'm not sick, I'm still not around. I spend all of my time reading and writing essays (in both English and Portuguese).
4. The few moments of free time I have are spent working on my writing, which has become more or less a consuming obsession. A wonderful, beautiful, consuming obsession. I am very annoyed that I am forced to do things like go to work and write essays when I could be spending that time doing something far more productive and enjoyable.
That works as a fairly decent segue into "What am I doing with my life?" v 238.7. This version is slightly more advanced than previous versions (as one would hope it would be).
I have five options after graduation: I could go teach English in Brazil in São Luis, I could get a Fulbright Fellowship and teach English in southern Brazil, I could go to grad school, I could get a grown-up job, or I could get a lazy, slacker job and write. We are going to assume for the time being that I am going with the last option, because to be perfectly honest it's the only option that holds any appeal to me at the moment.
The question I am now wrestling with myself over is where would I do this? One by one, people are leaving Albuquerque, and I have no great desire to spend the rest of my life here. But I'm not pursuing a specific career path, and one can work at a bookstore anywhere. I have no boyfriend to blindly follow. (Is it somewhat backwards to wish for a boyfriend simply so I could have a reason to go somewhere else? I could dump him once I got there and be fine with it, just as long as I got to follow him in the first place.) I don't really have family I could migrate towards because my family all lives in areas of the country that I have no draw to (Dallas, Chicago, Oklahoma, California). I could stalk a friend somewhere, but that might be a bit weird and I'm not sure that my friends would appreciate it. I'm hoping something pops up in the next few months (preferably something writing-related) that will cause an epiphany and drive towards where I'm supposed to be.
See? That wasn't all that angsty, was it? I mean, I would give it a 6 on the angst scale… angst was there, but it wasn't completely overbearing…
That being said, a few notes of business, and then onto the ranting, which is really more thinking-on-paper. It is frustrated thinking, so I suppose it still qualifies as angsty.
1. I do not have internet at home. This means I have been taking Leonardo to the library, downloading all of my E-mails, doing research for my homework and going home. At home I read my E-mails and write responses, which are sent out when I return to the library a week later. I have not read a single blog in weeks. I fully intend to catch up on blogs soon… honest. But if something terrible or wonderful has happened in your life and I have not commented on it, it is because I am unaware of it, and I will be sure to mourn or rejoice with you just as soon as I'm caught up.
2. I have been sick. This also contributes to my internet-absence. After a nice dose of narcotics, I am now doing much better and am back among the living.
3. School is kicking my butt all over the place. This is why even when I'm not sick, I'm still not around. I spend all of my time reading and writing essays (in both English and Portuguese).
4. The few moments of free time I have are spent working on my writing, which has become more or less a consuming obsession. A wonderful, beautiful, consuming obsession. I am very annoyed that I am forced to do things like go to work and write essays when I could be spending that time doing something far more productive and enjoyable.
That works as a fairly decent segue into "What am I doing with my life?" v 238.7. This version is slightly more advanced than previous versions (as one would hope it would be).
I have five options after graduation: I could go teach English in Brazil in São Luis, I could get a Fulbright Fellowship and teach English in southern Brazil, I could go to grad school, I could get a grown-up job, or I could get a lazy, slacker job and write. We are going to assume for the time being that I am going with the last option, because to be perfectly honest it's the only option that holds any appeal to me at the moment.
The question I am now wrestling with myself over is where would I do this? One by one, people are leaving Albuquerque, and I have no great desire to spend the rest of my life here. But I'm not pursuing a specific career path, and one can work at a bookstore anywhere. I have no boyfriend to blindly follow. (Is it somewhat backwards to wish for a boyfriend simply so I could have a reason to go somewhere else? I could dump him once I got there and be fine with it, just as long as I got to follow him in the first place.) I don't really have family I could migrate towards because my family all lives in areas of the country that I have no draw to (Dallas, Chicago, Oklahoma, California). I could stalk a friend somewhere, but that might be a bit weird and I'm not sure that my friends would appreciate it. I'm hoping something pops up in the next few months (preferably something writing-related) that will cause an epiphany and drive towards where I'm supposed to be.
See? That wasn't all that angsty, was it? I mean, I would give it a 6 on the angst scale… angst was there, but it wasn't completely overbearing…