The other way round
Two days, two days is she dead now and I can’t take it in anyway, two days ago I got into my bed with a shirt from her hugging her pillow, two days since I don’t feel anything but emptiness and the pain, that is killing me from inside.
Since I am a little girl, I loved her, after this long, long time, we came together, than we married and now? Now she is dead! Not one hour after we got married, this isn’t fair, this should have been the happiest day in our lives, this should have been the start for a next chapter in our lives, a chapter together, and now I’m lonely, the book is closed, I waited, hoped so long and now it is all gone.
Since yesterday morning there is someone, by the way the door rings I assume it is Don Lorenzo, every there and than at the door bell annoying me, I don’t want to speak to anyone, why doesn’t he understand that I want to be alone? I am alone no matter what is going to happen…
It’s all my fault, that I’m sitting here in a hospital waiting for my fiancée to wake up. But at the moment I can be happy, that she still is alive and it’s all my fault. Hadn’t I been driving this damn car, she wouldn’t been laying here and on top of all of this nothing happened to me, only some scratches.
The drive back from our weekend alone, the weekend, where she proposed to me.
“Silvia”, I know that Sara was standing behind me for I don’t know how long, I lost every sense of time, but I know, it had to be some time “you have to eat something and sleep, you’ve been sitting here for two days now”, it’s the first time she visited Pepa since my fiancée is here.
I shake my head, no I can’t, I can’t go back to our flat, where I only see her in my head and this fucking accident: “Sara, I can’t leave her alone…”
“You won’t”, she stops me “I will stay here and call you, if something changes and after me grandpa and Paco, she won’t be alone”
“But it’s my fault, I have to stay here!”
A couple of hours later I hear Don Lorenzo, who comes into the flat, I have no clue, where he got the key from.
The first time in three days I get out of bed and go slowly into the living room: “Where did you got the key from?”
“Dios, Pepa, you look like crap”, I see a bit fear in his eyes, but he looks just the same like I’m feeling, exhausted, tired and like ten years older.
I laugh softly, a exhausted laughter, but this laughter hurts, it is like Silvia took my laughter with her: “You are so charming, so what’s with the key?”
“Pepa, it’s Silvia’s…”, I feel like someone beat me hard in my stomach, only because of mentioning her name “the funerals are in three days, I thought, you wanted to know this”
I nod slowly: “Yes of course”
“Pepa, you can’t let yourself go down like this, that’s not the way how my daughter wanted it, she would’ve wanted to see you happy, don’t you think this?”, he takes a few steps and comes closer to me “When was the last time you eat something, saw daylight or spoke to someone?”
“The day of the wedding…”, I’m not able to call it my or our wedding anymore, because it turned out so wrong.
He nods: “That’s what I thought, let’s leave this house for a short time, eat something and talk for a bit”
“No, I can’t, I want to stay here for a bit longer, leave the world outside, the truth, for a little bit longer”, I shake my head, I know it’s ridiculous, I know she won’t come back or anything, but I don’t want to “leave” her that fast.
“Than stay here, but I will get you something to eat, I lost one daughter, I don’t want to lose the other one, too”, my father in law smiles lightly “I will ask Sara to bring it to you, you can’t stay here alone forever, Pepa, I won’t let this happen”
“Don Lorenzo, what is with determinations about the mafia?”, I ask him whispering, while Silvia’s father goes to the door.
He turns back to me: “Nothing, we do everything we can, but…”
“I will come back to work tomorrow”, I tell him immediately “the only thing I can do, is to put the bastard, who took her away from me, in jail”
Sara steps closer to me: “Silvia, it was an accident, a drunk driver drove into you, it isn’t your…where did you get this one?”, she points at my engagement ring.
I smile, the first time I smile, since the accident: “Pepa gave me this, she asked me to marry her”
“That’s great”, she quirks “my aunties will marry…okay that kinda sounds weird”
I shake my head and turn my attention back to Pepa: “Sara, please…it feels so weird, to speak about our future wedding, when she lays in front of me and no one knows, how she will be, when she wakes up”, I begin to sob again “if she wakes up”
“Silvia”, she hugs me “nothing bad is going to happen, come on, Pepa is a fighter and you know this”, my niece, no our niece pulls away from me and smiles softly “so now go to the cafeteria and get yourself something to eat, now!”
I sigh, I know she is right and I know that she won’t let me stay here, so I stand up and leave the room.
“Hey auntie”, Sara smiles softly, when I open the front door “how are you?”
I know she just want to be niece, but that’s a stupid question: “Great would be a lie”
“I know, but come on, let us cook something, so you can keep yourself occupied”, she pulls out a package of Spaghettis and pushes me into the kitchen.
I shake my head: “That won’t help and you know it Sara”
“Come on, let us try, she wouldn’t want this, Pepa, she loved you and wanted you to be happy, with or without her, how hard it sounds and seems”, she strokes my shoulder looking in my eyes.
I nod tiredly: “I know, but it seems so hard”
“It is, but do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?”
I shake my head: “No, I will go back to work tomorrow, I will find this guy, who took her away from me”, that’s the only thing in my mind, it’s the only goal I can find right now.
“Silvia!”, I cringe, as I hear Paco’s voice from behind.
I take a sip of my coffee and than turn around: “Hey Paco, how are you?”
He takes the seat next to me: “Okay, how are you and how is my little sister?”
“Nothing changed she is still not awake, but you know, that they don’t say me anything important, ‘cause I’m not related to her and I? I don’t know what I would do without her”, I sigh.
He nods: “Obviously, she feels the same, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked you to marry her”, I hang my head down, I can’t stand it to sit here with him, the brother of the woman I love and lays in coma and I still think, that I’m responsible for this.
Paco puts his hand on mine: “I will go up to Sara and my sister and ask, if there is something, we should know, okay?”
“Thank you”