(no subject)
life
I'm pretty happy I guess. happiness is a weird thing. the more you feel, the more you expect. and expectations are harshly misleading.
but things are okay. new job is okay. don't have to deal with people much, and when I do it is seldom a bother. get to listen to music. I've been listening to btmi- vacation pretty much every night. sleep is kinda fucked but it hasn't had too much of an impact. the hours are very inconvenient for hanging out with people though. I stopped trying to go to sleep immediately after getting home and instead having been smoking and playing cave story or playing guitar or watching the office. I am about to run out of weed though and I don't plan on getting more. I will try to take a break. I haven't had much of a break in the last 6 years so let's see how it goes. I feel like I should do it. but I will probably start getting anxious. and I traditionally have not been great with anxiety. maybe I'm at a point where I can handle it, or maybe I'm just genetically inclined towards a stabilizing substance, such as many other relatives on both sides of the family. I'm guessing I will give in after a week or two. but it all depends. perhaps if other things in my life start to keep my mind busy, I will be too preoccupied for anxiety. but still I doubt it. I'm pretty weak when it comes to facing anxiety. I start making excuse after excuse and my conscious mind eats it up.
like with school. taking classes has proved to be quite a nuisance, although it's not really much worse than I expected. I can get by, but I am not doing well. got c's on my first two tests somehow. with the job and desire to do leisurely things occasionally, I cannot fully dedicate myself to it. so far I've only really managed to meet deadlines, and even that just barely. I think one of the issues is that I am not convinced that taking classes is even worthwhile. I have this idea that maybe I can become a pharmacist. but it would be tough. especially if I'll be working 45 hours a week, which I will if I keep my current job which I probly can't do much better than for now. also I'm apprehensive because I wouldn't be one 'til I'm in my 30's 'til I achieve my goal. which I guess isn't actually too far away and leaves plenty of time to reap the benefits of a solid career, but I could also just work at shop rite and be making close to 20 an hour by then without paying out the ass for all that education. sure, working at shop rite forever sounds pretty lousy, and there's a considerable chance I wind up like one of those weird bitter people who have worked for one corporation too long, but it seems like it could work well for me. I'm not really a reach for the stars kind of person, more a meditate in the moonlight person. I have my own little romanticized ideals involving simple pleasures. I don't need much to be happy, but I would like some financial security, especially if I ever start a family. the money won't be great, but probably good enough.
the problem is I cannot trust my own mind. all of these justifications could just be cowardice. and it can infect thoughts like a cancer.
but I'll probably keep going to school. unless something changes
I'm pretty happy I guess. happiness is a weird thing. the more you feel, the more you expect. and expectations are harshly misleading.
but things are okay. new job is okay. don't have to deal with people much, and when I do it is seldom a bother. get to listen to music. I've been listening to btmi- vacation pretty much every night. sleep is kinda fucked but it hasn't had too much of an impact. the hours are very inconvenient for hanging out with people though. I stopped trying to go to sleep immediately after getting home and instead having been smoking and playing cave story or playing guitar or watching the office. I am about to run out of weed though and I don't plan on getting more. I will try to take a break. I haven't had much of a break in the last 6 years so let's see how it goes. I feel like I should do it. but I will probably start getting anxious. and I traditionally have not been great with anxiety. maybe I'm at a point where I can handle it, or maybe I'm just genetically inclined towards a stabilizing substance, such as many other relatives on both sides of the family. I'm guessing I will give in after a week or two. but it all depends. perhaps if other things in my life start to keep my mind busy, I will be too preoccupied for anxiety. but still I doubt it. I'm pretty weak when it comes to facing anxiety. I start making excuse after excuse and my conscious mind eats it up.
like with school. taking classes has proved to be quite a nuisance, although it's not really much worse than I expected. I can get by, but I am not doing well. got c's on my first two tests somehow. with the job and desire to do leisurely things occasionally, I cannot fully dedicate myself to it. so far I've only really managed to meet deadlines, and even that just barely. I think one of the issues is that I am not convinced that taking classes is even worthwhile. I have this idea that maybe I can become a pharmacist. but it would be tough. especially if I'll be working 45 hours a week, which I will if I keep my current job which I probly can't do much better than for now. also I'm apprehensive because I wouldn't be one 'til I'm in my 30's 'til I achieve my goal. which I guess isn't actually too far away and leaves plenty of time to reap the benefits of a solid career, but I could also just work at shop rite and be making close to 20 an hour by then without paying out the ass for all that education. sure, working at shop rite forever sounds pretty lousy, and there's a considerable chance I wind up like one of those weird bitter people who have worked for one corporation too long, but it seems like it could work well for me. I'm not really a reach for the stars kind of person, more a meditate in the moonlight person. I have my own little romanticized ideals involving simple pleasures. I don't need much to be happy, but I would like some financial security, especially if I ever start a family. the money won't be great, but probably good enough.
the problem is I cannot trust my own mind. all of these justifications could just be cowardice. and it can infect thoughts like a cancer.
but I'll probably keep going to school. unless something changes