(no subject)
Well I'm here again, as I tend to do when I feel lost. My biggest issue over the last 5 years has definitely been trying understand what it is I value most in life. I still have little to no idea. Considering at one point in life I had given up on everything, it shouldn't be a surprise. There was several years in which my only concern was achieving a sense of complacency. Well, in that I was successful, although I apparently did it too well because all of my values are shaped around that pursuit. Now what?
I am getting a place with Johnny's girlfriend, Ralfina. That will be a nice, much needed change. I will also be on unemployment soon, which while be a good opportunity to do things like figuring out how to cook and reading more books and doing more yoga. I'm sure it will be a good opportunity to understand myself better. My complacency issue leads to me having too much inertia. I am often unphased by new ideas that are not relevant to my current mental state. If I maintain a sense of momentum, I do fine.
I've been seeing this girl recently. She's nice, intelligent, reasonably attractive, has fairly similar interests and point of views etc. I can't think of much in terms of downsides. She is definitely into me and hoping I start fully committing to her, but I'm not really sure if I'm feeling that sort of drive. It's too bad I don't have any real relationship experience to use as a frame of reference. I only have a vague idea of what romance should be; a dream that I'm not sure if it ever even existed. It was that dream that saved me, and I cannot tolerate the idea that I may be missing out on fulfilling the dream.
Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy that I'll always be alone?
Why do I push people away? Am I just the victim of an undesired defense mechanism?
Tonight a drunk Sean Coleman was bored at 1 am and wanted to hang out. I could have hung out with said girl tonight I'm sure but instead I just sort of dismissed that option, yet when I impulsively agree to hang out with a friend in less than desirable conditions. I actually biked there because I had a few drinks and thought a bike ride would be nice, but the rainfall increased exponentially on my way. I became soaked through multiple layers of clothing, which made biking home considerably worse. Plus, it left me anxious causing me to stay up all night watching Dr. Horrible and thinking about stuff. All this, yet I can't deny an unmistakable absence of regret. Granted, I've always appreciated the appeal of night time for some reason. I think it's because I associate my dreams with night, and my dreams are primarily a surreal yet profoundly positive experience.
Okay, it's late. I think I'm ready to sleep
I am getting a place with Johnny's girlfriend, Ralfina. That will be a nice, much needed change. I will also be on unemployment soon, which while be a good opportunity to do things like figuring out how to cook and reading more books and doing more yoga. I'm sure it will be a good opportunity to understand myself better. My complacency issue leads to me having too much inertia. I am often unphased by new ideas that are not relevant to my current mental state. If I maintain a sense of momentum, I do fine.
I've been seeing this girl recently. She's nice, intelligent, reasonably attractive, has fairly similar interests and point of views etc. I can't think of much in terms of downsides. She is definitely into me and hoping I start fully committing to her, but I'm not really sure if I'm feeling that sort of drive. It's too bad I don't have any real relationship experience to use as a frame of reference. I only have a vague idea of what romance should be; a dream that I'm not sure if it ever even existed. It was that dream that saved me, and I cannot tolerate the idea that I may be missing out on fulfilling the dream.
Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy that I'll always be alone?
Why do I push people away? Am I just the victim of an undesired defense mechanism?
Tonight a drunk Sean Coleman was bored at 1 am and wanted to hang out. I could have hung out with said girl tonight I'm sure but instead I just sort of dismissed that option, yet when I impulsively agree to hang out with a friend in less than desirable conditions. I actually biked there because I had a few drinks and thought a bike ride would be nice, but the rainfall increased exponentially on my way. I became soaked through multiple layers of clothing, which made biking home considerably worse. Plus, it left me anxious causing me to stay up all night watching Dr. Horrible and thinking about stuff. All this, yet I can't deny an unmistakable absence of regret. Granted, I've always appreciated the appeal of night time for some reason. I think it's because I associate my dreams with night, and my dreams are primarily a surreal yet profoundly positive experience.
Okay, it's late. I think I'm ready to sleep