(no subject)
I'm going through so much change right now. I'm not really used to change and I don't take it too easily. I know people say that life is all about change and dynamics, and I really believe that to be true, but that doesn't mean it comes easily. I know it doesn't come easily for everyone, either, I just feel like my life is veering in directions that I have no control over. I don't like losing control. I guess no one does.
This isn't even just about Morgan. Obviously that's a really large part of how I've been feeling lately, but I feel like I've lost control of so much else. I guess the other major thing is trying to figure our living situation out for next year. I think we found a place that Puff and I are going to live in, and Derek and Jad are going to have a place together, too, but I'm not really sure if that's how I want to live. I wish we never moved out of our place last year, but that's all said and done so it's stupid to dwell on. I really want to live alone but I'm just going to be lonely if I do, not to mention how expensive it would be. We just can't live with Derek again. I feel really bad about having to split up because I love Jad and I love Derek, too, but he's just really hard to live with. For me, at least. Our personalities just scrape a little too hard sometimes. I don't think living with Puff will be a problem at all, it's just a change I wasn't expecting, I guess.
Sometimes I just wish I could go back to fall of sophomore year. I feel like I was so much more comfortable then. Granted, I definitely was, but when I think about it, last fall I probably really missed the comfort of dorm life, and when I was in the dorms all I wanted to do was go back to high school. I'm always so nostalgic and it's a rut I have trouble getting out of. It's such an odd dichotomy because I feel like the future is so bright, too, you know? It has to be! I just don't really feel comfortable right now and I wish I could either jump a year ahead or even a year behind.
I can't wait to go to grad school. I used to love Troy, but it's really starting to wear me thin, I think. I also think a lot of that feeling is related to Morgan, though. I had a really fun semester in the fall, and even whenever I'm around everyone I'm having a great time, but when I'm alone I start to tear myself apart. I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes. I over-analyze way too much. I always have and I'm afraid I always will, it's generally something I've gotten used to, but it can get out of hand sometimes.
Where was I trying to get with this? Right. Change. My present condition. My future. I have so much hope for every aspect of my life and I will never be able to lose that, but I've just been so down recently that it's so hard to look up. It's getting easier though. Every day is a little easier, but every day is sometimes harder, too. It's so hard to get used to not being around Morgan all the time because we used to spend so much time together. We had so many good times, too, and I feel like I just dwell on them too much. It's not like I'll ever be able to forget what we had nor would I ever want to, I just wish that sometimes I could shut it out of my mind for now. I wish she knew what she wanted, too. Not knowing is the hardest part.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like space is the best thing for us. We've been together for almost two years (although we weren't around each other for nearly 6 months of that time) and maybe we should try to experience new things and be on our own for a little while. It's so hard to say that because I love her so much and just wish this had never happened, but if one of us isn't totally into it then we can't be together. It's just so confusing because whenever I've seen her since it seems like we're together again. We kiss and cuddle and it's so comfortable, and she's always the one that initiates it. I mean, if you need the space then fucking take your space, don't do this to me. I can't see her anymore. Not for now at least. I don't even know if I can talk to her. I'm gonna see her in a bit to talk things over again and get things totally straightened out, but we'll see.
I really, really hope that we can get back together someday, but I think that after all of what's happened between us in the past few weeks, I need space more than she does now. I'm not sure what I would say if she wanted to get back together right now, and that's really scary to me. She's really the best friend I've ever had. I've never connected with someone so well before in my life, and it just scares me that I might not ever find that again. I know I will, though. Not to mention we might still get back together someday. I'm really scared that we might not be able to stay close friends after all of this. I obviously hope we can, but seeing her only as a friend is going to kill me. At least for now it will.
I'm just beginning to realize that everything goes on. But in order to truly understand and believe that, I can't have the slightest notion that we're going to get back together. I think it's okay for now to hope that maybe we will, but I need to get any sort of expectation out of my head. If she needs to be free then I need to be just as free. I'm just still trying to figure out where that freedom is. I know I'll find it eventually. What's meant to be is meant to be.