Somebody needs to read Captain Awkward...

[rock_chick_333]

Ugh, so I just accepted a Facebook request from somebody I was friends with in high school; she moved away when we were 18 and we only kept in contact for a few months, and haven't seen each other since. I had a vague memory of having been FB friends before at some point and couldn't remember her having done anything egregious, so I assumed she'd

Comments

[ankaret]

That is... odd and socially out of tune, yeah. I feel sorry for anyone who's bereaved, but she's reacting as if you marched up to her at her mother's funeral and started chatting about architecture, whereas actually it's obvious to most people who use social media that
you were doing something a lot more like including a photo spread feature in Rock_chick_333 Lifestyle Magazine.

Whether this is just her brain on grief or something a bit more general, I think I'd probably reply with a platitude along the lines of 'That must be tough' and then disengage, because distant acquaintances who make you grind your teeth are better off going and finding someone who doesn't grind their teeth at their approach to help make them feel better. It probably looks just as bizarre to the rest of your friends and family reading that post as it does to you.

[rock_chick_333]

Your suggestions are always sensible, measured responses - thank you, I think platitude-then-disengage is a good way to deal. My what-do-they-WANT-from-me meter has a slight hair trigger when it comes to people I don't know well; with very good historical reason, but sometimes a laid-back mental response would be more appropriate, and I need to remember that she lives 100+ miles away, so it's not like I have to see her.

[ankaret]

I know the 'What do they WANT from me?' feeling well. I always tell myself that having a hair-trigger sensor for needy people who might want more of my energy than I can give them is a useful thing, because think what life would be like with the reverse.

[rock_chick_333]

Needy vibes have long triggered a Pythonesque "Run away, run away!" mental response in me, but for a long time I was operating on the You Should Help People model trained into me by my indefatigable mother, and I've only lately come to understand that I have way fewer spoons than her in the first place, and "no" is a thing I'm allowed to say. Retraining myself is an ongoing process, and my initial reaction is still I DON'T WANT TO, followed by guilt and conflict.

[ankaret]

Oh, God, having fewer spoons than one's mother. I just rang mine and mentioned that aella_irene was coming to visit and we were going to just hang out and watch DVDs, and she responded with 'Why don't you get a bus to St. Ives?' BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A NICE TIME WITH MY FRIEND, NOT EXHAUST MYSELF FIGHTING CROWDS OF TOURISTS. Bah.

[rock_chick_333]

Hanging out watching DVDs is one of the best possible activities to undertake with visiting friends. Have a lovely, lovely time! (Is it this weekend?) I have BiCon in two days and I'm packing All The Things, including lots of knitting, because knitting is one of the other best possible activities to undertake with friends. Yay!

[ankaret]

Yes, this weekend. I have been threatening to introduce her to Highlander. :)

As for the update, that does indeed sound lacking in boundaries, and I think re-defriending her while she's away sounds like an excellent plan for everyone concerned.

Have an excellent time at BiCon!