A Long Awaited Tribute
This entry was supposed to happen back on April 5th, but due to my original home PC crashing, it got delayed. But there’s really no wrong time to write about my favorite singer. To me he wasn't just another singer, Nirvana wasn't just another band, but something that helped totally change my life around, as I will reveal later on; as I pay my own tribute to a man that revolutionized the music industry.
I'm not going to go into a timeline of Kurt's life, as I find it somewhat pointless to do so. Instead I'll focus on my feelings about him and Nirvana. First of all, Nirvana wouldn't have worked without Kurt. But it goes both ways. Nirvana wouldn't have worked without bassist Kris Novoselic and drummer Dave Grohl. Nirvana actually went through several drummers before finally settling on Grohl. On their first album, "Bleach", Chad Channing is the drummer for the majority of the songs and you can hear such a difference between him and when Dave Grohl took over. Channing's drumming is more hollow and weaker than Grohl's. I don't believe Nirvana would have taken off if Grohl wasn't the drummer. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" would have sounded different and slightly more hollow if Channing was left as the drummer. Grohl added such power and passion to his drumming and provided backup vocals. How many drummers do you know that provide back up vocals? Plus he's done extremely well with his own band the Foo Fighters (even though I don't particularly care for their music). However, Grohl will always be recognized as being the drummer for Nirvana. I believe he was one of the best drummers in the history of music. Very few drummers could play the drums the way he could. The shear force and intensity he played the drums on songs such as "Heart Shaped Box", “Rape Me” and "Aneurysm" is just absolutely unbelievable and I think is unmatched.
As good as Dave Grohl was on drums, Kris Novoselic was just as good on bass guitar. I firmly believe he's extremely under-rated as a bassist and is one of the all time greats. Not just because he was part of my favorite band, but just seeing him perform is awesome. He would bounce around onstage strumming his guitar, and often did it in bare feet! You can actually pick out the bass in so many Nirvana songs, instead of it sounding blended in, like seems to be the case in countless numbers of songs out there. "In Bloom", "Come As You Are", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Heart Shaped Box", and "About a Girl" are just a few songs where the bass is clearly defined. Kris added a sense of goofiness to Nirvana and was Kurt Cobain's best friend growing up. For “Jesus Don’t Want Me For a Sunbeam” on the Unplugged album, Kris plays not bass guitar, but an accordion and did it extremely well. The song is absolutely amazing. How many rock bands do you know of that can play instruments like the accordion, and not only play it, but make it sound extremely well done in a song.
Then there's Kurt. One of the greatest song writers and singers in history. His lyrics are so intense and the true meaning of many of them may never be truly known. He would constantly change lyrics around to keep the songs fresh as he explained in an interview conducted during Nirvana's Reading Festival tour in the UK in 1992. No one really knows the true lyrics for "Smells Like Teen Spirit". The demo version of SLTS is different than the actual album version. On a Saturday Night Live performance in 1993, Kurt purposely changed the lyrics of "Lithium" and no one even knew the difference. The song sounded truly the same. Not many people have picked up on this, but if you watch the tape or hear it you'll hear him say the lyrics "I'm so retarded, I can’t wait to meet you there" instead of "I'm so excited". There's more to it, but at the moment I can't think of the rest, but you get the point. As good of a singer he was, his guitar skills are extremely under-rated. To see him play the guitar with the intensity he showed is just breath taking. As in the previous case with Dave Grohl's drumming on "Heart Shaped Box" and "Aneurysm", Kurt's guitar strumming on these songs is awe inspiring. It would be hard pressed to find anyone else try to do the guitar riffs found on "Aneurysm" the way Kurt was able to. I've seen tapes of him playing guitar while lying flat on his back, which isn't too hard for other musicians to do, but is still extremely impressive. However, the one thing that amazes me is, I've seen tapes of him stage diving into the crowd and still playing his guitar at the same time. Also, even though the Unplugged performance was generally all acoustic, “The Man Who Sold The World” was actually done with an electrical guitar. The opening guitar riff is jaw dropping and remains my all time favorite guitar solo. The riff is just absolutely amazing and it’s just something that will never be duplicated.
Nirvana was just one of those bands that everything cliqued for and you'll be extremely hard pressed to find any other band that had or currently has that magic. Now by no means am I saying Nirvana is the greatest band of all time, because as I've mentioned in the past, personally I can't say something like that. No doubt they're one of the greatest bands and definitely belong in the Rock Hall of Fame. I know a band can't be inducted into the hall of fame until 25 years after the release of their first album I believe. However, I think an exception should be made for Nirvana. They revolutionized music and I can't see that happening again within my life time. Just like I can't say Kurt Cobain is the greatest singer/song writer of all time, but he is unquestionably one of the all time greats. Another one of the things I've always been fascinated with Kurt, is his hair. I love the way his hair would thrash around while he was performing. It's just one of those little things you notice when you like a band or person so much. He never really had long hair in the back, but was long and stringy in the front. At times you couldn't see his face and it just added to the mystique and aura that surrounded him.
I mentioned in the beginning of this entry about Kurt helped changed my life in a way. Well that's no lie. Unlike a lot of Nirvana fans, I didn't know anything about them when they made it big. When Kurt died in 1994, I was oblivious to it. I recall seeing shirts of him or Nirvana shirts, but never really knew anything about it. I never felt the pain that other people felt when Kurt died. (Even though I would inexplicably experience that pain a few year ago, which I'll explain momentarily). You see back in the early 90's until 1997, I was into the rap crap. At the time, rap was the "cool" thing and the "in" thing. I was trying to fit in and be like the popular kids. So I would buy and listen to rap music not because I really liked it but because I wanted to fit in. I would listen to Snoop Dog, Dr. Dre, Tupac, Biggie, and some of the other hardcore rappers. Yes little ole me, used to listen to rap music. I was so stupid back then. It went beyond listening to rap music, but trying to be like the "cool" kids. Wearing baggy pants, talking ghetto, and not caring what I said to who I said it to. I didn't care less whose feelings I hurt. More or less I was a problem child and constantly got into trouble in junior high. However, this all changed when I first heard Nirvana. Sounds unbelievable, but it's true. I remember it was the spring of 1997 and I was a junior in high school. I had mellowed out slightly from my junior high days as I wouldn't get into as much trouble, but I still had a bad attitude and didn't care what I said to anyone. I had an English class with Mr. Nagle and Tom was in my class. I didn't really know him that well except that he was the kid who had a locker next to mine. Well actually it was Katie that had the locker next to me, and Tom was before her. Anyways, he was in my class and one day we somehow got on the topic of music. He mentioned Nirvana and this cd of theirs called "Unplugged in NY" that I might like. I don't know why he thought I would like it. Maybe he saw something in me. Maybe he saw I needed to find myself. I don’t know, but I'm glad he let me borrow that cd. People say the making of a great band, is you can distinctively recall when you first heard them. Well for me it was on that spring day in 1997. Tom let me borrow the cd, even though I was hesitant in listening to it. But I remember even before listening to it, seeing the cover and seeing the scene of Kurt sitting on stage on the stool with the entire stage decorated in lilies (the American flower of death) and candles. It was like a funeral setting and for some reason I remember thinking this cd might be worth the listen. Well when I got home, I put the cd in and was instantly frozen in astonishment. Upon hearing the first few bars of track 1, which is "About a Girl", I was hooked. I had never heard more beautiful music in my life. The way Kurt's voice sounded was absolutely breathtaking. Song after song played and I couldn't get enough. I must have listened to that cd 3 times that night. The next day I gave it back to Tom and told him it was the best thing I've ever heard and that I was definitely going to buy it. Within a week, I bought Unplugged at Record Express in the former Andys plaza. But it didn't end with Unplugged. I vowed to collect every cd that pertained to Nirvana. Next it was In Utero, then Nevermind, then Insecticide, etc. I am now proud to say I own every Nirvana cd there is except for a few imports that are extremely difficult to obtain. Shortly, after listening to Nirvana, my entire image started to change. I stopped listening to rap and got into rock music. I became quieter, somewhat withdrawn to the world, more respectful of other people's feelings. I started to find myself and realize who I was, not something I wasn't. I stopped caring about being cool and just started being me. I remember doing research on Kurt Cobain and was totally able to relate to him. As a kid he was teased, he was skinny, considered an outsider. That's how my life was and in some instances still is.
Unplugged remains the only cd I have that I can listen to every single song and where every song on it is considered one of my favorites. Every song is so beautiful yet so powerful. The last song "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" sends chills down my spine every time I listen to it. It's one of the most bone chilling songs I've ever heard. I've read stories where Kurt used to sing that song at parties and people would get the chills every time he sang it. It's just one of those songs that takes your breath away. Also, to know that song and that entire performance were done five months prior to his death is chilling. I would have loved to seen that performance as I believe it’s something that you would never forget.
I mentioned earlier about a dream I had about Kurt and how I experienced the pain that others felt in 1994 when Kurt died. Well a few years ago, I understood how others felt. I actually had two dreams. The first was Kurt was in CT and he found out what a huge fan of his I was. So he and I hung out and became friends. There was one time we were in a room and he was twirling around a gun and I kept asking him what the hell he was doing, but he never answered. In fact through the entire dream he didn’t speak one word. It was really eerie. Then the scene changed to where I was walking with him down Morgan Street in Hartford and all this rap shit was playing. I felt embarrassed because I knew it was music he despised. But he didn’t say anything. He just kept walking with his head up listening intently. Then somehow the scene changed to a boat dock and he was walking off the ramp straight into the water. There was a helicopter on the water with the blades twirling. Kurt was walking straight into the blades. I was behind a fence and couldn’t get to him. I was screaming my head off, “Kurt what are you doing, stop, stop”. But he kept walking or kind of floating. He floated right into the helicopter blades and his body was brutally cut up and blood flew everywhere. I was crying my eyes out and was speechless. I was in so much pain, for witnessing him die. But I realized after I woke up, that this was my way of experiencing how everyone else felt back in 1994 upon learning of Kurt’s death. I remember after the witnessing Kurt die in my dream that for some reason Tom and Katie showed up in Katie’s old Sundance. I was in the back and they noticed right away that I wasn’t myself. They kept asking me what was wrong, but no words were able to come out of my mouth. I was just in shock mode and couldn’t talk. I then remember reaching in my pocket and pulled out a note that Kurt left me. I didn’t even realize he wrote me something and was rather surprised. So I opened the note and it simply said “Sam, the Nirvana experience is going well.” Then I woke up. I’m still unsure what that note really meant, but I remember waking up in a cold sweat. My entire body was drenched in sweat even though it was in the middle of December. I’ve never woken up in a cold sweat before, so for that to happen was pretty scary for me.
I had another dream of him a few months after that first dream. Kurt and I hanging out in someone's room and all of a sudden he was gone. I was frantically looking around for him and then the scene changed to me walking through the woods. I was looking around seeing if I could see any trace of him, when I saw a shadow go behind a tree. Then I saw the shadow of a shotgun being lifted up and I instantly knew what was going to happen. I was screaming my lungs out for him to stop it, but next thing I heard was the fateful sound of a gunshot and I just fell down crying my eyes out. I remember, that I couldn't stomach looking behind the tree to see if he was alive or not, but I did see a puddle of blood forming and a foot drooping and then I knew. Next thing I knew, the police were putting his body parts in plastic bags and then I woke up. Those two dreams are two of the most intesne dreams I've ever experienced.
Another thing I like about Kurt or rather about Nirvana was they were one of the first bands to be able to play from a really high note to a soft tone with a snap of a finger and make it sound easy. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” emphasizes this and before Nirvana this sort of sound was performed, but it didn’t sound well. And speaking of sounds, Nirvana had a sound before it’s time. Back in 1991 the world was stuck with Whitney Houston, Beastie Boys, and all the 80’s hair bands. It seemed music was in a rut and then came Nirvana. Even today, their music sounds different than any other rock band out there. I can’t really classify Nirvana has classic rock. They just don’t have that classic rock sound. Their music stands alone. Some people say Kurt was losing his touch towards the end of his short career. But people couldn’t have been more wrong. When “You Know You’re Right” came out in October 2002, people thought it was a good song, but not one of Kurt’s best; that it sounded like other Nirvana songs. I beg to differ. YKYR, I believe is one of Kurt’s finest works. It was produced in February 1994 but was practiced as early as October 1993 during Chicago shows. It showed another dimension of Nirvana. From the opening chimes, to the heavy guitar riffs, to the methodic bass playing by Kris, to Kurt singing softly, then without notice, screaming and making it all sound great at the same time. I believe Kurt still had it with YKYR. There were rumors that Nirvana was going to break up and Kurt was going to go solo. Even if that did happen, I think Kurt would have excelled just because of who he was and the magical voice and guitar work he possessed.
One of the other things I admire about Kurt was he was never in the music business for the money. So many bands today are just in the business to earn the quick buck and don’t care what they put out. Kurt wasn’t that way. No flashy wardrobe, no pyros, just straight up music. I recall seeing an interview of a former roadie that said Kurt would wear the same shoes all the time. Then one day he went to a show with no shoes on and they asked him where his shoes were and Kurt said they were torn and un-wearable. When asked where his other shoes were, Kurt said he didn’t own any other pairs of shoes and proceeded to perform the show in his socks! He also didn’t sing what the fans wanted him to sing, which I’ve never heard of any other musician doing. So many singers say they won’t short-change their fans on their next album and try to stick with what made them popular. But that wasn’t Kurt’s style. He stated during an interview when “In Utero” was about a month from being released that he expected to lose some fans as “Nevermind” was considered more pop rock and “In Utero” featured darker, harder type of songs. However, Kurt was dead wrong. Nirvana became even more popular. But the point is, he didn’t stick with what worked, he did what he wanted to do. He didn’t play anything because he thought his fans would like it, but because he did it for himself. You might say he was selfish for doing that, but I say he was true to himself. He played from his heart and didn’t give a damn what others thought of his music. That right there makes me respect him even more. I remember watching “Live, Tonight, Sold Out” which featured Nirvana’s 1992 Reading Festival Tour and they started playing the first few bars of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and then stopped and said “we’ve played this too much, we’re sick of it”. People started booing, but he didn’t care less. Another clip showed them playing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” at another show, but Kurt sang it in as if the devil had possessed him. You couldn’t even recognize his voice. You could tell he was doing it to make people hate the song as he was so tired of singing SLTS. He wanted people to recognize other songs than SLTS. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw that clip of him singing SLTS all fucked up. The funny thing is even though it sounded totally different, it was pretty good. But again, the point is he didn’t care what his fans wanted, it was what he wanted to play and what he wanted to be heard.
Some people might think I'm obsessed with a man that's been dead for 10 years. Call me obsessed, call me nuts, I really don’t care. Kurt will always be my favorite singer and Nirvana will always be my favorite band. No matter how bad of a mood I’m in, whenever I hear a Nirvana song a smile always creeps across my face. No other band has that affect on me. Do I agree with everything Kurt did? No, of course not. Do I agree with him taking his own life? No, but then again it’s not totally clear that he took his own life, but was actually murdered as there’s so many unanswered questions. The one thing that did show, was not was he an extremely talented singer and song writer, but he was a decent father to Frances Bean. It’s been said that the few times he smiled was when he was holding Frances and he took her to as many of his shows that he could. She’s actually in the video for “Sliver”, dancing around and looking so cute. Now she’s 12 and she looks eerily similar to Kurt. Her hair is of the same blonde color, same length, same traits and some of her facial characteristics resemble those of Kurt’s. I haven’t heard what she thinks of her father, but I would imagine she knows that he loved her dearly and is looking down from heaven and seeing her grow up. I do believe if he was still alive, he would be a much better parent than Courtney Love has turned out to been. I’m not saying Courtney doesn’t love her daughter, but she’s been a terrible role model for her daughter to look up to. I won’t go into all the disgusting things she’s done such as having a total stranger suck on one of her breasts in public while waiting in line at a Wendy’s.
Even though Kurt’s been gone for 10 years, people are still discovering his music. Everyday there’s someone listening to Nirvana for the first time and falling in love with it. Everyday a Nirvana song is played on rock stations across the world. Kurt might be gone, but he’ll never be forgotten. His music will always live on and it will always live on with me. I don’t care if I’m 70 years old, I’m still going to listen to my favorite singer and listen to the music that helped change my life.
I'm not going to go into a timeline of Kurt's life, as I find it somewhat pointless to do so. Instead I'll focus on my feelings about him and Nirvana. First of all, Nirvana wouldn't have worked without Kurt. But it goes both ways. Nirvana wouldn't have worked without bassist Kris Novoselic and drummer Dave Grohl. Nirvana actually went through several drummers before finally settling on Grohl. On their first album, "Bleach", Chad Channing is the drummer for the majority of the songs and you can hear such a difference between him and when Dave Grohl took over. Channing's drumming is more hollow and weaker than Grohl's. I don't believe Nirvana would have taken off if Grohl wasn't the drummer. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" would have sounded different and slightly more hollow if Channing was left as the drummer. Grohl added such power and passion to his drumming and provided backup vocals. How many drummers do you know that provide back up vocals? Plus he's done extremely well with his own band the Foo Fighters (even though I don't particularly care for their music). However, Grohl will always be recognized as being the drummer for Nirvana. I believe he was one of the best drummers in the history of music. Very few drummers could play the drums the way he could. The shear force and intensity he played the drums on songs such as "Heart Shaped Box", “Rape Me” and "Aneurysm" is just absolutely unbelievable and I think is unmatched.
As good as Dave Grohl was on drums, Kris Novoselic was just as good on bass guitar. I firmly believe he's extremely under-rated as a bassist and is one of the all time greats. Not just because he was part of my favorite band, but just seeing him perform is awesome. He would bounce around onstage strumming his guitar, and often did it in bare feet! You can actually pick out the bass in so many Nirvana songs, instead of it sounding blended in, like seems to be the case in countless numbers of songs out there. "In Bloom", "Come As You Are", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Heart Shaped Box", and "About a Girl" are just a few songs where the bass is clearly defined. Kris added a sense of goofiness to Nirvana and was Kurt Cobain's best friend growing up. For “Jesus Don’t Want Me For a Sunbeam” on the Unplugged album, Kris plays not bass guitar, but an accordion and did it extremely well. The song is absolutely amazing. How many rock bands do you know of that can play instruments like the accordion, and not only play it, but make it sound extremely well done in a song.
Then there's Kurt. One of the greatest song writers and singers in history. His lyrics are so intense and the true meaning of many of them may never be truly known. He would constantly change lyrics around to keep the songs fresh as he explained in an interview conducted during Nirvana's Reading Festival tour in the UK in 1992. No one really knows the true lyrics for "Smells Like Teen Spirit". The demo version of SLTS is different than the actual album version. On a Saturday Night Live performance in 1993, Kurt purposely changed the lyrics of "Lithium" and no one even knew the difference. The song sounded truly the same. Not many people have picked up on this, but if you watch the tape or hear it you'll hear him say the lyrics "I'm so retarded, I can’t wait to meet you there" instead of "I'm so excited". There's more to it, but at the moment I can't think of the rest, but you get the point. As good of a singer he was, his guitar skills are extremely under-rated. To see him play the guitar with the intensity he showed is just breath taking. As in the previous case with Dave Grohl's drumming on "Heart Shaped Box" and "Aneurysm", Kurt's guitar strumming on these songs is awe inspiring. It would be hard pressed to find anyone else try to do the guitar riffs found on "Aneurysm" the way Kurt was able to. I've seen tapes of him playing guitar while lying flat on his back, which isn't too hard for other musicians to do, but is still extremely impressive. However, the one thing that amazes me is, I've seen tapes of him stage diving into the crowd and still playing his guitar at the same time. Also, even though the Unplugged performance was generally all acoustic, “The Man Who Sold The World” was actually done with an electrical guitar. The opening guitar riff is jaw dropping and remains my all time favorite guitar solo. The riff is just absolutely amazing and it’s just something that will never be duplicated.
Nirvana was just one of those bands that everything cliqued for and you'll be extremely hard pressed to find any other band that had or currently has that magic. Now by no means am I saying Nirvana is the greatest band of all time, because as I've mentioned in the past, personally I can't say something like that. No doubt they're one of the greatest bands and definitely belong in the Rock Hall of Fame. I know a band can't be inducted into the hall of fame until 25 years after the release of their first album I believe. However, I think an exception should be made for Nirvana. They revolutionized music and I can't see that happening again within my life time. Just like I can't say Kurt Cobain is the greatest singer/song writer of all time, but he is unquestionably one of the all time greats. Another one of the things I've always been fascinated with Kurt, is his hair. I love the way his hair would thrash around while he was performing. It's just one of those little things you notice when you like a band or person so much. He never really had long hair in the back, but was long and stringy in the front. At times you couldn't see his face and it just added to the mystique and aura that surrounded him.
I mentioned in the beginning of this entry about Kurt helped changed my life in a way. Well that's no lie. Unlike a lot of Nirvana fans, I didn't know anything about them when they made it big. When Kurt died in 1994, I was oblivious to it. I recall seeing shirts of him or Nirvana shirts, but never really knew anything about it. I never felt the pain that other people felt when Kurt died. (Even though I would inexplicably experience that pain a few year ago, which I'll explain momentarily). You see back in the early 90's until 1997, I was into the rap crap. At the time, rap was the "cool" thing and the "in" thing. I was trying to fit in and be like the popular kids. So I would buy and listen to rap music not because I really liked it but because I wanted to fit in. I would listen to Snoop Dog, Dr. Dre, Tupac, Biggie, and some of the other hardcore rappers. Yes little ole me, used to listen to rap music. I was so stupid back then. It went beyond listening to rap music, but trying to be like the "cool" kids. Wearing baggy pants, talking ghetto, and not caring what I said to who I said it to. I didn't care less whose feelings I hurt. More or less I was a problem child and constantly got into trouble in junior high. However, this all changed when I first heard Nirvana. Sounds unbelievable, but it's true. I remember it was the spring of 1997 and I was a junior in high school. I had mellowed out slightly from my junior high days as I wouldn't get into as much trouble, but I still had a bad attitude and didn't care what I said to anyone. I had an English class with Mr. Nagle and Tom was in my class. I didn't really know him that well except that he was the kid who had a locker next to mine. Well actually it was Katie that had the locker next to me, and Tom was before her. Anyways, he was in my class and one day we somehow got on the topic of music. He mentioned Nirvana and this cd of theirs called "Unplugged in NY" that I might like. I don't know why he thought I would like it. Maybe he saw something in me. Maybe he saw I needed to find myself. I don’t know, but I'm glad he let me borrow that cd. People say the making of a great band, is you can distinctively recall when you first heard them. Well for me it was on that spring day in 1997. Tom let me borrow the cd, even though I was hesitant in listening to it. But I remember even before listening to it, seeing the cover and seeing the scene of Kurt sitting on stage on the stool with the entire stage decorated in lilies (the American flower of death) and candles. It was like a funeral setting and for some reason I remember thinking this cd might be worth the listen. Well when I got home, I put the cd in and was instantly frozen in astonishment. Upon hearing the first few bars of track 1, which is "About a Girl", I was hooked. I had never heard more beautiful music in my life. The way Kurt's voice sounded was absolutely breathtaking. Song after song played and I couldn't get enough. I must have listened to that cd 3 times that night. The next day I gave it back to Tom and told him it was the best thing I've ever heard and that I was definitely going to buy it. Within a week, I bought Unplugged at Record Express in the former Andys plaza. But it didn't end with Unplugged. I vowed to collect every cd that pertained to Nirvana. Next it was In Utero, then Nevermind, then Insecticide, etc. I am now proud to say I own every Nirvana cd there is except for a few imports that are extremely difficult to obtain. Shortly, after listening to Nirvana, my entire image started to change. I stopped listening to rap and got into rock music. I became quieter, somewhat withdrawn to the world, more respectful of other people's feelings. I started to find myself and realize who I was, not something I wasn't. I stopped caring about being cool and just started being me. I remember doing research on Kurt Cobain and was totally able to relate to him. As a kid he was teased, he was skinny, considered an outsider. That's how my life was and in some instances still is.
Unplugged remains the only cd I have that I can listen to every single song and where every song on it is considered one of my favorites. Every song is so beautiful yet so powerful. The last song "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" sends chills down my spine every time I listen to it. It's one of the most bone chilling songs I've ever heard. I've read stories where Kurt used to sing that song at parties and people would get the chills every time he sang it. It's just one of those songs that takes your breath away. Also, to know that song and that entire performance were done five months prior to his death is chilling. I would have loved to seen that performance as I believe it’s something that you would never forget.
I mentioned earlier about a dream I had about Kurt and how I experienced the pain that others felt in 1994 when Kurt died. Well a few years ago, I understood how others felt. I actually had two dreams. The first was Kurt was in CT and he found out what a huge fan of his I was. So he and I hung out and became friends. There was one time we were in a room and he was twirling around a gun and I kept asking him what the hell he was doing, but he never answered. In fact through the entire dream he didn’t speak one word. It was really eerie. Then the scene changed to where I was walking with him down Morgan Street in Hartford and all this rap shit was playing. I felt embarrassed because I knew it was music he despised. But he didn’t say anything. He just kept walking with his head up listening intently. Then somehow the scene changed to a boat dock and he was walking off the ramp straight into the water. There was a helicopter on the water with the blades twirling. Kurt was walking straight into the blades. I was behind a fence and couldn’t get to him. I was screaming my head off, “Kurt what are you doing, stop, stop”. But he kept walking or kind of floating. He floated right into the helicopter blades and his body was brutally cut up and blood flew everywhere. I was crying my eyes out and was speechless. I was in so much pain, for witnessing him die. But I realized after I woke up, that this was my way of experiencing how everyone else felt back in 1994 upon learning of Kurt’s death. I remember after the witnessing Kurt die in my dream that for some reason Tom and Katie showed up in Katie’s old Sundance. I was in the back and they noticed right away that I wasn’t myself. They kept asking me what was wrong, but no words were able to come out of my mouth. I was just in shock mode and couldn’t talk. I then remember reaching in my pocket and pulled out a note that Kurt left me. I didn’t even realize he wrote me something and was rather surprised. So I opened the note and it simply said “Sam, the Nirvana experience is going well.” Then I woke up. I’m still unsure what that note really meant, but I remember waking up in a cold sweat. My entire body was drenched in sweat even though it was in the middle of December. I’ve never woken up in a cold sweat before, so for that to happen was pretty scary for me.
I had another dream of him a few months after that first dream. Kurt and I hanging out in someone's room and all of a sudden he was gone. I was frantically looking around for him and then the scene changed to me walking through the woods. I was looking around seeing if I could see any trace of him, when I saw a shadow go behind a tree. Then I saw the shadow of a shotgun being lifted up and I instantly knew what was going to happen. I was screaming my lungs out for him to stop it, but next thing I heard was the fateful sound of a gunshot and I just fell down crying my eyes out. I remember, that I couldn't stomach looking behind the tree to see if he was alive or not, but I did see a puddle of blood forming and a foot drooping and then I knew. Next thing I knew, the police were putting his body parts in plastic bags and then I woke up. Those two dreams are two of the most intesne dreams I've ever experienced.
Another thing I like about Kurt or rather about Nirvana was they were one of the first bands to be able to play from a really high note to a soft tone with a snap of a finger and make it sound easy. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” emphasizes this and before Nirvana this sort of sound was performed, but it didn’t sound well. And speaking of sounds, Nirvana had a sound before it’s time. Back in 1991 the world was stuck with Whitney Houston, Beastie Boys, and all the 80’s hair bands. It seemed music was in a rut and then came Nirvana. Even today, their music sounds different than any other rock band out there. I can’t really classify Nirvana has classic rock. They just don’t have that classic rock sound. Their music stands alone. Some people say Kurt was losing his touch towards the end of his short career. But people couldn’t have been more wrong. When “You Know You’re Right” came out in October 2002, people thought it was a good song, but not one of Kurt’s best; that it sounded like other Nirvana songs. I beg to differ. YKYR, I believe is one of Kurt’s finest works. It was produced in February 1994 but was practiced as early as October 1993 during Chicago shows. It showed another dimension of Nirvana. From the opening chimes, to the heavy guitar riffs, to the methodic bass playing by Kris, to Kurt singing softly, then without notice, screaming and making it all sound great at the same time. I believe Kurt still had it with YKYR. There were rumors that Nirvana was going to break up and Kurt was going to go solo. Even if that did happen, I think Kurt would have excelled just because of who he was and the magical voice and guitar work he possessed.
One of the other things I admire about Kurt was he was never in the music business for the money. So many bands today are just in the business to earn the quick buck and don’t care what they put out. Kurt wasn’t that way. No flashy wardrobe, no pyros, just straight up music. I recall seeing an interview of a former roadie that said Kurt would wear the same shoes all the time. Then one day he went to a show with no shoes on and they asked him where his shoes were and Kurt said they were torn and un-wearable. When asked where his other shoes were, Kurt said he didn’t own any other pairs of shoes and proceeded to perform the show in his socks! He also didn’t sing what the fans wanted him to sing, which I’ve never heard of any other musician doing. So many singers say they won’t short-change their fans on their next album and try to stick with what made them popular. But that wasn’t Kurt’s style. He stated during an interview when “In Utero” was about a month from being released that he expected to lose some fans as “Nevermind” was considered more pop rock and “In Utero” featured darker, harder type of songs. However, Kurt was dead wrong. Nirvana became even more popular. But the point is, he didn’t stick with what worked, he did what he wanted to do. He didn’t play anything because he thought his fans would like it, but because he did it for himself. You might say he was selfish for doing that, but I say he was true to himself. He played from his heart and didn’t give a damn what others thought of his music. That right there makes me respect him even more. I remember watching “Live, Tonight, Sold Out” which featured Nirvana’s 1992 Reading Festival Tour and they started playing the first few bars of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and then stopped and said “we’ve played this too much, we’re sick of it”. People started booing, but he didn’t care less. Another clip showed them playing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” at another show, but Kurt sang it in as if the devil had possessed him. You couldn’t even recognize his voice. You could tell he was doing it to make people hate the song as he was so tired of singing SLTS. He wanted people to recognize other songs than SLTS. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw that clip of him singing SLTS all fucked up. The funny thing is even though it sounded totally different, it was pretty good. But again, the point is he didn’t care what his fans wanted, it was what he wanted to play and what he wanted to be heard.
Some people might think I'm obsessed with a man that's been dead for 10 years. Call me obsessed, call me nuts, I really don’t care. Kurt will always be my favorite singer and Nirvana will always be my favorite band. No matter how bad of a mood I’m in, whenever I hear a Nirvana song a smile always creeps across my face. No other band has that affect on me. Do I agree with everything Kurt did? No, of course not. Do I agree with him taking his own life? No, but then again it’s not totally clear that he took his own life, but was actually murdered as there’s so many unanswered questions. The one thing that did show, was not was he an extremely talented singer and song writer, but he was a decent father to Frances Bean. It’s been said that the few times he smiled was when he was holding Frances and he took her to as many of his shows that he could. She’s actually in the video for “Sliver”, dancing around and looking so cute. Now she’s 12 and she looks eerily similar to Kurt. Her hair is of the same blonde color, same length, same traits and some of her facial characteristics resemble those of Kurt’s. I haven’t heard what she thinks of her father, but I would imagine she knows that he loved her dearly and is looking down from heaven and seeing her grow up. I do believe if he was still alive, he would be a much better parent than Courtney Love has turned out to been. I’m not saying Courtney doesn’t love her daughter, but she’s been a terrible role model for her daughter to look up to. I won’t go into all the disgusting things she’s done such as having a total stranger suck on one of her breasts in public while waiting in line at a Wendy’s.
Even though Kurt’s been gone for 10 years, people are still discovering his music. Everyday there’s someone listening to Nirvana for the first time and falling in love with it. Everyday a Nirvana song is played on rock stations across the world. Kurt might be gone, but he’ll never be forgotten. His music will always live on and it will always live on with me. I don’t care if I’m 70 years old, I’m still going to listen to my favorite singer and listen to the music that helped change my life.