I got punched so in return, I AM SCOOPING FREE ICE CREAM ALL DAY LONG!!!!
Some kid just sucker punched me right in my left jaw. And by kid I mean 17 years old, six feet tall, and 200 something pounds. Here is the deal, I was at work, and this scrawny pimply faced little fuck comes in, looks at our pint selection at Ben & Jerry’s, grabs a handful of about 4 pints and runs out the door. Even if I can’t catch him I can’t just do nothing so that he thinks he can easily get away with it - so I run after him shouting through the parking lot, “stop you little thief.” There is a group of a dozen teenage boys hanging out back there and I hear one say, “you stop, motherfucker.” And then he punches me in the face. I keel over onto my right elbow, dazed. The other boys are laughing. I stand up, and the kid that hit me has run off and the one that stole the ice cream is long gone. I am spitting up blood and these boys are laughing and calling me a little bitch.
Now what was I do to do? I couldn’t fight them because they way out number me. There is no point in calling the cops because the culprits are long gone and they only stole a dozen dollars worth of ice cream. I mean, getting punched is assault, but I didn’t want to waste my time with a police report. I asked the boys if they were involved because they seem pretty guilty by association. One said they were, “go ahead call the cops.” I couldn’t tell if he was serious, but I just walked away and said I hope they know how proud they must make their mothers. Then one kid said his mother is dead so I replied that his father must think he is a fuckup for being involved with petty thieves. The kid says he ain’t no thief but maybe him and his friends will beat my ass and take my hat then he’d be a thief. I realize that it is all ridiculous, so I call them a bunch of pimply headed fucks and tell them to grow some hair on their dicks. Then the kid without a mother says that he ain’t no pimply headed fuck, people say he looks like Kevin Bacon. I say, oh really, people say I look like Kevin Bacon, let me have a look at you. He comes forward into the light and I just stare these little assholes down, getting to know their faces. The motherless one says, “nah, you’re an ugly fuck.” I say, “yeah, I know and your big dumb friend punching me the face ain’t helping me get any prettier.” And I walk back into the store, shouting with adrenaline.
I tell my coworker what happened, gibing an edited version because there is an old guy sitting in the store. He sits nervously listening, with chocolate ice cream all over his face like a child would have. He is partially deaf with apparatuses on his ears; it is a real David Lynch image. When he finishes his ice cream and comes up to me and says, “thank you for the ice cream and the entertainment.” And that is what I aim to provide, for some reason crazy things happen to me so my life is like entertainment for others. I love to entertain, but my jaw hurts a lot. AND TO TOP THINGS OFF AS I TYPE THIS TUESDAY MORNING IT IS FREE CONE DAY.
Ben & Jerry’s is giving away scoops of free ice cream from Noon to 8pm Today, Tuesday April 17th. I want everyone to be there. Put your facebook status as “At Ben & jerry’s Free Cone Day.” While you wait in line (which is normally just about ten minutes) call and text your friends. We have never served more than 6,000 people on a Free Cone Day and I want to do so this year. It will make me happy. Help out your old broken friend, Rob. I hope I’ve always done right by you so it is a worthy request. And, because my attackers were teenage boys, and there is only one thing more obnoxious then a teenage boy and that is multiple teenage boys, I bet they will come looking for free ice cream tomorrow and I want a posse of folks ready to pounce them. I know “an eye for an eye will leave the world blind” but I want nothing to do with their eyes, I want to punch them in the jaw.
I don't understand this tough guy bullshit. I was always the short pudgey kid so, although I wore black all the time and big boots, I never tried to play tough. I didn't smile because I was conscientious about my braces. I was usually getting my ass kicked by my crazy older sister or comforting my mother as she went into manic depressive panic attacks. Being a tough guy was not a luxury that I was allowed to have growing up. These white suburban Davis boys playing tough guy really pisses me off (clearly, since my face really fucking hurts). I know several rad guys that go to Davis High, so I am not saying every teenage boy is like this. I bet these theiving boys tonight have parents who are professors, lawyers, or accountants. In my seven and half years working for Ben & Jeery's - from the one in Arden Fair Mall, to Concord, Roseville, and Berkeley nothing like this has happened. Of those stores Davis is the only one to get robbed at gunpoint. Not surprisingly, the robber rode off on a bike and was never caught. That was years ago, maybe the kid tonight was his younger brother.