(no subject)
I took a personality test. A miniature version of the Myer's Briggs test, and the results are that I am an INFJ. It is the rarest personality type. And so much makes sense with this.
It is like getting a diagnosis, and I knew that I needed a diagnosis but I didn't know what sort. I always thought that I'd missed that day in school when they handed the diagnoses out and that I must have some form of autism, or maybe I had some disorder that no one ever told me about.
But it's just my personality.
It makes me communicate in a particular way. I come off as very aloof and asocial or just awkward because I can't engage in casual, everyday, surface-level interactions. Everyone says "I hate small talk," but then they do it so easily. I don't hate it, I'm just not capable of doing it. I actually like talking and interaction. If you try to chatter with me, I will seem like a complete idiot because I don't know what to say.
It takes a lot of effort to get out of my introversion and up to the surface level, and when I do, I there's no point because the other person doesn't really care how my day is, or they're already getting on the elevator once I've thought to say "yes, it sure is a good sandwich," or whatever it is. The phrase "still waters run deep" sounds so self-aggrandizing and I wish I had a better fortune cookie cliche. That's it though. You don't really know an INFJ unless you take the plunge into our depths, because that's where we spend most of our time.
And I'm also very guarded with most people, so it's not something everyone sees. It's also hard to have casual relationships. This is similar to my ineptitude with small talk; I don't dislike people. I think I like people too much. If I care about a person, it will last forever. I'm not sure people know, because it's hard to say these things. It's like the words aren't enough. The people I care about are usually pretty intuitive though, so maybe they just get it. Caring can become exhausting, and there are high stakes when you love someone. So I have to be guarded. I can't let just anyone in.
The easiest way to let my guard down is if I feel an "instant connection." Sometimes it works. It happened with wrong person this year. I can't remember the last time I felt as bad as I do. I've been pretty numb for a few years. I tried to reach out. I just want the pain to be over.
It is like getting a diagnosis, and I knew that I needed a diagnosis but I didn't know what sort. I always thought that I'd missed that day in school when they handed the diagnoses out and that I must have some form of autism, or maybe I had some disorder that no one ever told me about.
But it's just my personality.
It makes me communicate in a particular way. I come off as very aloof and asocial or just awkward because I can't engage in casual, everyday, surface-level interactions. Everyone says "I hate small talk," but then they do it so easily. I don't hate it, I'm just not capable of doing it. I actually like talking and interaction. If you try to chatter with me, I will seem like a complete idiot because I don't know what to say.
It takes a lot of effort to get out of my introversion and up to the surface level, and when I do, I there's no point because the other person doesn't really care how my day is, or they're already getting on the elevator once I've thought to say "yes, it sure is a good sandwich," or whatever it is. The phrase "still waters run deep" sounds so self-aggrandizing and I wish I had a better fortune cookie cliche. That's it though. You don't really know an INFJ unless you take the plunge into our depths, because that's where we spend most of our time.
And I'm also very guarded with most people, so it's not something everyone sees. It's also hard to have casual relationships. This is similar to my ineptitude with small talk; I don't dislike people. I think I like people too much. If I care about a person, it will last forever. I'm not sure people know, because it's hard to say these things. It's like the words aren't enough. The people I care about are usually pretty intuitive though, so maybe they just get it. Caring can become exhausting, and there are high stakes when you love someone. So I have to be guarded. I can't let just anyone in.
The easiest way to let my guard down is if I feel an "instant connection." Sometimes it works. It happened with wrong person this year. I can't remember the last time I felt as bad as I do. I've been pretty numb for a few years. I tried to reach out. I just want the pain to be over.