(no subject)
After a month of waiting to see her, she texted me to meet. I went to see her and she barely talked to me and ended up ditching me. When I texted her to ask if she left after walking around looking for her for fifteen minutes, she acted like it wasn't a big deal or wrong. Then when I texted her that it hurt me, she didn't care. I really just don't get it.
I'm still in pain. I think I am getting over it. Somehow though, it's like the hopes are still there. And I don't know if she wanted to hurt me or if I was wrong to be hurt. There's no other way I could feel. I know I am paranoid and fragile, especially at this point. It's been years since I reached out to anyone and I've learned that my mind's defenses against pain and anxiety are down as a result of spending those years numbing the need to be loved by drinking. If something hurts me, it takes over everything. But I know I'm not wrong. She treated me like garbage, and there isn't any way to excuse it. She didn't even care.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a really shitty thing to say to someone you've hurt.
Maybe I just want her to just tell me she is sorry.
It's not going to happen and it's a stupid thing to expect. Maybe it's a stupid thing to want. But it's just this big open hole.
I'm still in pain. I think I am getting over it. Somehow though, it's like the hopes are still there. And I don't know if she wanted to hurt me or if I was wrong to be hurt. There's no other way I could feel. I know I am paranoid and fragile, especially at this point. It's been years since I reached out to anyone and I've learned that my mind's defenses against pain and anxiety are down as a result of spending those years numbing the need to be loved by drinking. If something hurts me, it takes over everything. But I know I'm not wrong. She treated me like garbage, and there isn't any way to excuse it. She didn't even care.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a really shitty thing to say to someone you've hurt.
Maybe I just want her to just tell me she is sorry.
It's not going to happen and it's a stupid thing to expect. Maybe it's a stupid thing to want. But it's just this big open hole.