And all the roads that lead the way are winding.
My space sucks. I wrote this really long rant about stuff in it, and it dissapeared forever, so I'm on a myspace ban. I'll just write it in here first and if i decide to i'll post it there. Anyhow, I'll try to rewrite what I did before. Whatever.
The river's deep and the road is long
And every which way we turn always seems insane
but it makes me feel alive.
Yeah, it sure does make me feel alive, but sometimes feeling alive can hurt. I'll try to explain.
Everything was just sort of going the way it was. I knew what was gonna happen about everything for the most part. I knew I'd wake up and go to work and it would suck, and then i'd come home and my mom would be a bitch, and then I'd usually end up going out to chill with people and they would always make me feel better. It just seems that for some reason or another life just kinda stopped, turned everything upside down, and then reached inside my brain and shook stuff up and now i've got all these weird new feelings about everything, and I'm not sure as to how to go about dealing with them.
I hate my job, and after much bullshit and way too much time spent there, I see that I need to get a new one. Different people, different place. I've also realized that I need to go back to school, and I want that now. I've finally come to see what would make me happy in life. I love cats, and if i was able to do something to help them in anyway, that would make me happy. Rescuing strays, placing them in good loving homes, taking care of them, whatever, working with cats makes me happy, and thats what I want to do. Now that I've figured that out, I have a goal to reach, and going to school is the only way its gonna happen. It's hard for me to get motivated to do stuff, but now is the time for me to do it. High school totally fucking sucked for me, and I was really bad at it, but i've heard that college is a lot easier and I think I'm in a much better mindset now than I was in high school. The important thing tho is that now I actually do want to do that, so I'm gonna really try to start. So I have two goals for myself right now. Number one goal is to find a new job, because, well, that's gonna make my life a whole lot easier. Number 2, get my lazy ass going on a GED. I'm finally ready for it now, and i'll take it seriously.
Everything in life happens for a reason. This whole thing with Dan is a bunch of shit, and it totally sucks, but it happened for a reason, and I'm sure something good will come out of it for someone. It's made me realize I take too much for granted. I always thought he'd be there to text with when no one else was awake, he'd always be around to listen, or have late night movie watching parties with or whatever. Life can be very fragile, and it was like a big slap in the face to me that I need to stop what I'm doing every once in a while and just appreciate what I have, and let the people that I care about know how much i appreciate them. Makes me think of my dad. If he hadn't almost died when I was little, would I love him as much as I do? I don't know. I could only imagine what life would have been like without him.
The other thing thats been kinda bothering me is the whole relationship department. I know I was very hell bent on not wanting to fall in love and all that, but, now I think I kinda miss it. When Jim and I were together and things were good, they were really good. He was good to me, and he cared about me and he loved me and he showed that to me. He was always there when I needed him, and he knew how to fix everything and make me feel better. I miss that. I'm not sure if its him that I miss, or that feeling, I think it's a bit of both. We both hurt each other and did some fucked up shit, but I still do love him. No matter what happens between us, he was my first love, and he'll always have a place in my heart. This whole thing that happened with him telling Colleen was pretty fucked up, but I get the feeling he doesn't even understand why I was so upset about it. The truth did indeed have to come out, so I'm not mad that she found out, but it should have come from Dan, and if not dan, then me, since we were the only people it really concerned. I was planning on talking to dan about it, and getting everything straightened out, and I told Jim this before. He was like "okay, but if you don't say something soon I will" okay, fine, whatever. I didn't think much of it because I was going to talk to Dan about that the next time i saw him. Then he ended up in the hospital and everything concerning that was put on hold. When this happened, I specifically talked to Jim and told him what happened. I know he doesn't give a shit about Dan, and I guess now he doesn't care about me, but he had nothing against Colleen. The whole reason I didn't want him to say anything to her about it then was because the only thing that it was going to do was hurt her. She didn't need to find that out right now, and Jim agreed with me about it. He still told her, thats what made me mad. Not that he told her, but that he told her in the worst time he could possibly mention it, and he KNEW it was the worst time to do it. That didn't need to be on the back of her mind right now, but it is, and it really shouldn't be. It's totally not fair because right now she can't even talk to Dan about it. I would still like to be able to be on speaking terms with jim, and at least be civil with him. I know I've said a lot of hateful things about him, and he the same about me, but I'm not ready to give up on that. I at least want to be able to talk to each other. Maybe right now isn't the best time for it, but I dunno. I think i might feel better if we just sat down and put all the bullshit aside for once and tried to talk things out or something.
I got side tracked, sorry. I've just kinda got that feeling like I want some sort of relationship with someone. I don't really have any prospects for that though. I've thought about a few people, but nothing really jumps out at me. I don't really know anyone that would be interested in dating me either. It's just a frusterating feeling I guess. It seems like no matter what direction I turn with it, it won't work out in the end. These things are just so complicated sometimes, and even if I did grow some balls to actually say something about it to someone, I wouldn't know what the hell to say anyhow. I'm bad at this dating game I guess.
I'm having a fight with my brain lately. I need some drugs to make my brain just stop wondering around and putting stupid ideas in my head. What the fuck do you want from me you stupid fucking thinking part of my brain? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
Sorry...yeah. I think i've written enough for now. Whatever happens happens I guess.
The river's deep and the road is long
And every which way we turn always seems insane
but it makes me feel alive.
Yeah, it sure does make me feel alive, but sometimes feeling alive can hurt. I'll try to explain.
Everything was just sort of going the way it was. I knew what was gonna happen about everything for the most part. I knew I'd wake up and go to work and it would suck, and then i'd come home and my mom would be a bitch, and then I'd usually end up going out to chill with people and they would always make me feel better. It just seems that for some reason or another life just kinda stopped, turned everything upside down, and then reached inside my brain and shook stuff up and now i've got all these weird new feelings about everything, and I'm not sure as to how to go about dealing with them.
I hate my job, and after much bullshit and way too much time spent there, I see that I need to get a new one. Different people, different place. I've also realized that I need to go back to school, and I want that now. I've finally come to see what would make me happy in life. I love cats, and if i was able to do something to help them in anyway, that would make me happy. Rescuing strays, placing them in good loving homes, taking care of them, whatever, working with cats makes me happy, and thats what I want to do. Now that I've figured that out, I have a goal to reach, and going to school is the only way its gonna happen. It's hard for me to get motivated to do stuff, but now is the time for me to do it. High school totally fucking sucked for me, and I was really bad at it, but i've heard that college is a lot easier and I think I'm in a much better mindset now than I was in high school. The important thing tho is that now I actually do want to do that, so I'm gonna really try to start. So I have two goals for myself right now. Number one goal is to find a new job, because, well, that's gonna make my life a whole lot easier. Number 2, get my lazy ass going on a GED. I'm finally ready for it now, and i'll take it seriously.
Everything in life happens for a reason. This whole thing with Dan is a bunch of shit, and it totally sucks, but it happened for a reason, and I'm sure something good will come out of it for someone. It's made me realize I take too much for granted. I always thought he'd be there to text with when no one else was awake, he'd always be around to listen, or have late night movie watching parties with or whatever. Life can be very fragile, and it was like a big slap in the face to me that I need to stop what I'm doing every once in a while and just appreciate what I have, and let the people that I care about know how much i appreciate them. Makes me think of my dad. If he hadn't almost died when I was little, would I love him as much as I do? I don't know. I could only imagine what life would have been like without him.
The other thing thats been kinda bothering me is the whole relationship department. I know I was very hell bent on not wanting to fall in love and all that, but, now I think I kinda miss it. When Jim and I were together and things were good, they were really good. He was good to me, and he cared about me and he loved me and he showed that to me. He was always there when I needed him, and he knew how to fix everything and make me feel better. I miss that. I'm not sure if its him that I miss, or that feeling, I think it's a bit of both. We both hurt each other and did some fucked up shit, but I still do love him. No matter what happens between us, he was my first love, and he'll always have a place in my heart. This whole thing that happened with him telling Colleen was pretty fucked up, but I get the feeling he doesn't even understand why I was so upset about it. The truth did indeed have to come out, so I'm not mad that she found out, but it should have come from Dan, and if not dan, then me, since we were the only people it really concerned. I was planning on talking to dan about it, and getting everything straightened out, and I told Jim this before. He was like "okay, but if you don't say something soon I will" okay, fine, whatever. I didn't think much of it because I was going to talk to Dan about that the next time i saw him. Then he ended up in the hospital and everything concerning that was put on hold. When this happened, I specifically talked to Jim and told him what happened. I know he doesn't give a shit about Dan, and I guess now he doesn't care about me, but he had nothing against Colleen. The whole reason I didn't want him to say anything to her about it then was because the only thing that it was going to do was hurt her. She didn't need to find that out right now, and Jim agreed with me about it. He still told her, thats what made me mad. Not that he told her, but that he told her in the worst time he could possibly mention it, and he KNEW it was the worst time to do it. That didn't need to be on the back of her mind right now, but it is, and it really shouldn't be. It's totally not fair because right now she can't even talk to Dan about it. I would still like to be able to be on speaking terms with jim, and at least be civil with him. I know I've said a lot of hateful things about him, and he the same about me, but I'm not ready to give up on that. I at least want to be able to talk to each other. Maybe right now isn't the best time for it, but I dunno. I think i might feel better if we just sat down and put all the bullshit aside for once and tried to talk things out or something.
I got side tracked, sorry. I've just kinda got that feeling like I want some sort of relationship with someone. I don't really have any prospects for that though. I've thought about a few people, but nothing really jumps out at me. I don't really know anyone that would be interested in dating me either. It's just a frusterating feeling I guess. It seems like no matter what direction I turn with it, it won't work out in the end. These things are just so complicated sometimes, and even if I did grow some balls to actually say something about it to someone, I wouldn't know what the hell to say anyhow. I'm bad at this dating game I guess.
I'm having a fight with my brain lately. I need some drugs to make my brain just stop wondering around and putting stupid ideas in my head. What the fuck do you want from me you stupid fucking thinking part of my brain? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
Sorry...yeah. I think i've written enough for now. Whatever happens happens I guess.