(no subject)
I spent a couple of hours up on College Avenue yesterday afternoon. I like College because it's pleasant, it has good eats and good coffee and I rarely run into someone I know. I can just kind of walk around and be anonymous, and it's only 8 blocks from my apartment.
Interesting place, College. Like a lot of such places, it's not as disdained by the malcontents of the area as it once was. You get a lot of people like me, who like to gripe about anything and everything and have good ideas but are far too lazy to do anything about them. Nor does there seem to be nearly as many North Berkeley/Oakland Hills/Marin yuppies walking about bumping into shit and making a big fuss because they suck and so do their fucking dogs.*
So it's a lively bunch, and as expected, I have some things to say about it.
--If you're under 55 years of age, male, and you're wearing a tie-dye shirt, you can assume that I've made one of the following conclusions about you:
1. You have an insanely jealous wife with one leg who not only beats you, but dresses you too.
2. You don't have a wife, or a girlfriend, or even an ugly co-worker who is willing to pity-fuck you once in awhile. You don't even have the guts to walk into one of those massage parlors where a Korean girl with two and a half teeth will give you a massage for $13.50 and a blowjob for $5 more. In fact, you've given up on pussy altogether, and that shirt proves it.
3. You're homeless, so what the fuck are you doing at one of my favorite restaurants?!
--I have a message for all the new mothers out there who choose not to share the sidewalk when rolling their little spawn around in a stroller. The fact that some guy dumped his spunk into your little cooter doesn't mean you're entitled to walk recklessly while your precious little angel down there shits and pisses itself. You're expected to use the sidewalk in a civil manner just like everyone else. I know you think the world owes you something because you've dropped another spud out we don't need. I assure you you're wrong. I already don't like your kid on account of all the Social Security money I'm going to be dicked out of because you just had to have a fucking family. Even so, I'm a reasonable person, and I'm willing to share the sidewalk with you. I expect nothing less in return.
In addition, save those chats with your fellow stroller rolling cohorts for later. I know how much you two want to talk about low carbs, or Oprah, or liposuction, or motherhood, or the unmarried neighbor you want to have a fling with, or whatever mindless banter you and your ridiculous friends like to indulge in on a regular basis, but do it when you're not on a crowded sidewalk taking up 6 feet between the two of you. When people need to pass, especially if they're elderly or handicapped, make it single file. And by the way, those double stroller things are socially irresponsible.
--If you're some militant bike person, that's fine. I know that cars suck and that they pose an ever-growing threat to our planet. I don't have any delusions. I help out as best I can. I know my contribution is minimal, because I still have a car. But don't tell me how well you get along without a car and how much motorists suck, only to later ask me for a ride. You'll get the answer in the form of a smashed kneecap and I'll probably set you on fire too.
Anyway, I like College Avenue. Some of the places are a little too upscale without really deserving to be, and I think that awful Purple Onion Pizza place should be made into a lesbian midget bar, but on the whole, it's a nice place to go on an early Saturday evening. If you like sushi, and you haven't checked out Manpuku yet (College & Ashby), I highly recommend it. Bomb ass sushi, killa. Get up innat shit, son.
*If you don't know what type of yuppie I'm talking about, walk into REI and deck yourself head to toe in hiking gear, topped off with a fleece. Then go buy a really expensive SUV that you never take off roading, and move into a nice, safe neighborhood where you'll never be stopped by the police unless you're black or Mexican. Then invite your fellow fleece wearing friends over for a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine, and talk on and on about how liberal you are, and how eco-friendly your lifestyle is.
Interesting place, College. Like a lot of such places, it's not as disdained by the malcontents of the area as it once was. You get a lot of people like me, who like to gripe about anything and everything and have good ideas but are far too lazy to do anything about them. Nor does there seem to be nearly as many North Berkeley/Oakland Hills/Marin yuppies walking about bumping into shit and making a big fuss because they suck and so do their fucking dogs.*
So it's a lively bunch, and as expected, I have some things to say about it.
--If you're under 55 years of age, male, and you're wearing a tie-dye shirt, you can assume that I've made one of the following conclusions about you:
1. You have an insanely jealous wife with one leg who not only beats you, but dresses you too.
2. You don't have a wife, or a girlfriend, or even an ugly co-worker who is willing to pity-fuck you once in awhile. You don't even have the guts to walk into one of those massage parlors where a Korean girl with two and a half teeth will give you a massage for $13.50 and a blowjob for $5 more. In fact, you've given up on pussy altogether, and that shirt proves it.
3. You're homeless, so what the fuck are you doing at one of my favorite restaurants?!
--I have a message for all the new mothers out there who choose not to share the sidewalk when rolling their little spawn around in a stroller. The fact that some guy dumped his spunk into your little cooter doesn't mean you're entitled to walk recklessly while your precious little angel down there shits and pisses itself. You're expected to use the sidewalk in a civil manner just like everyone else. I know you think the world owes you something because you've dropped another spud out we don't need. I assure you you're wrong. I already don't like your kid on account of all the Social Security money I'm going to be dicked out of because you just had to have a fucking family. Even so, I'm a reasonable person, and I'm willing to share the sidewalk with you. I expect nothing less in return.
In addition, save those chats with your fellow stroller rolling cohorts for later. I know how much you two want to talk about low carbs, or Oprah, or liposuction, or motherhood, or the unmarried neighbor you want to have a fling with, or whatever mindless banter you and your ridiculous friends like to indulge in on a regular basis, but do it when you're not on a crowded sidewalk taking up 6 feet between the two of you. When people need to pass, especially if they're elderly or handicapped, make it single file. And by the way, those double stroller things are socially irresponsible.
--If you're some militant bike person, that's fine. I know that cars suck and that they pose an ever-growing threat to our planet. I don't have any delusions. I help out as best I can. I know my contribution is minimal, because I still have a car. But don't tell me how well you get along without a car and how much motorists suck, only to later ask me for a ride. You'll get the answer in the form of a smashed kneecap and I'll probably set you on fire too.
Anyway, I like College Avenue. Some of the places are a little too upscale without really deserving to be, and I think that awful Purple Onion Pizza place should be made into a lesbian midget bar, but on the whole, it's a nice place to go on an early Saturday evening. If you like sushi, and you haven't checked out Manpuku yet (College & Ashby), I highly recommend it. Bomb ass sushi, killa. Get up innat shit, son.
*If you don't know what type of yuppie I'm talking about, walk into REI and deck yourself head to toe in hiking gear, topped off with a fleece. Then go buy a really expensive SUV that you never take off roading, and move into a nice, safe neighborhood where you'll never be stopped by the police unless you're black or Mexican. Then invite your fellow fleece wearing friends over for a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine, and talk on and on about how liberal you are, and how eco-friendly your lifestyle is.