666
So another 06/06/06 has passed, and it was probably as uneventful as the one in 1906. What a bummer. To our credit though, the evangelists of the 21st Century have really caught up with modernity and are using some pretty sophisticated systems to determine when Jesus is coming back. Apparently, some of them have been taking Elementary Math at their local adult night schools, and they’ve all gotten together with their shiny new calculators to work out some figures for us. From their consensual estimation, the chances of the Revelation of John coming true today was a whopping 157.
157, people! Doesn't that sound really bad? What they've done is create a point system for how fucked our world is. "Oil supply and price" alone is worth 5 points. Everybody knows that when the companies raise the price of oil, it's flouting the name of God and Holy Spirit. I mean, you might as well just walk up to Christ on the Cross and kick him in the face. Then say, "Just kidding", help him down, then crucify him again and chop off his nuts. At least you won't be raising the price of oil.
On another note, "Liberalism" gets only 1 point towards the Rapture. I'm going to have to write a letter pleading that that number is increased. Most "Liberals" annoy the hell out of me. And as long as Russia exists, there's at least a 5 that the Apocalypse will happen any day. We obviously have to do something about that. I mean, apostasy is much more rampant so long as Russians are around, and between those two, we're already up to 9.
I went to private schools for two years. I'm not proud of it. The school district I lived in went bankrupt and since my parents gave a shit about my education and home schooling wasn't an option, private schools were the best alternative.
All of the shit I can say about the high school I went to for a year would take about 1200 pages, but one thing that really stands out in my mind was Bible class. I did well in Bible class, because I read the Bible, even though I didn't take it literally, and to this day, I can talk about it respectfully but insightfully with aplomb. I can talk about it with anyone, regardless of their beliefs or interests.
It was going pretty well. Mr. Dishman was my instructor and he was pretty open to the more literary readings that I favored, so long as I kept my scores up on the weekly tests. We read all the Gospels naturally, and I took a liking close comparisons of the prophets' accounts of Jesus's life (looking back, this was obviously an early stage of my love of the Bible as a literary text). We ran through Acts and I started losing interest, right before Revelation when we ground to a hault.
Out of nowhere, the world was going to end. And it was inevitable. Jesus is coming back and he's fucking pissed. We watched a video made up of what appeared to be ex-70's porn stars, and one of them insisted he was the anti-Christ. Then some really cheesy special effects involving fire and brimstone, and that kid with the weird clothes sitting up front is almost in tears with laughter, much to the chagrin and possible disappointment of my instructor.
A discussion followed that I will never forget as long as I live. "It's going to be the biggest ordeal you'll ever face", began Mr. Dishman. "First of all, without the mark you won't be able to buy so much as a can of soup. To make matters worse, you will be tortured, probably until you're killed for refusing the mark. Some will be lucky. Some who are saved will ascend to Heaven without having to deal with the repercussions of the rapture."
A storm of eager questions followed from the maniacs around me. "Who will be head of the New World Order?" "Why do you have to consent to the mark?" "What will it look like?"
They were serious. Dead. Serious. These were my peers, my classmates, people I was supposed to trust. Suddenly my friends list at Berean Christian High dropped from 0 to about -22.
I thought I was on the way to getting the number back up when I made out with this really cute Christian girl one late afternoon. After I put my index finger inside her girl muffin, she started crying because I had assisted in the breaking of some celibacy promise to her dead grandmother. Shit, thought I. And to think that my penis has been in my pants the whole time.
Then she told me that if her Dad ever found out, he'd take her out of school so she could go milk goats on an Amish farm or something. Oh my God, I'm surrounded by lunatics!
Anyway, that's my experience with rapture zealots. I'm not really one of them, but I do have kind of a morbid desire to see it in my lifetime. How cool would it be to see Jesus descending on us with his angels in tow, all with bazookas, blowing shit up? He walked on water before, but now he'll Karate chop your head off, bitch.
And how awesome would the headlines be for those few days before the End of the World? Jesus Arrives in Rome. Laser Beams Destroy City. Pope Melts.
I don't hate anyone. I'm just misunderstood.
157, people! Doesn't that sound really bad? What they've done is create a point system for how fucked our world is. "Oil supply and price" alone is worth 5 points. Everybody knows that when the companies raise the price of oil, it's flouting the name of God and Holy Spirit. I mean, you might as well just walk up to Christ on the Cross and kick him in the face. Then say, "Just kidding", help him down, then crucify him again and chop off his nuts. At least you won't be raising the price of oil.
On another note, "Liberalism" gets only 1 point towards the Rapture. I'm going to have to write a letter pleading that that number is increased. Most "Liberals" annoy the hell out of me. And as long as Russia exists, there's at least a 5 that the Apocalypse will happen any day. We obviously have to do something about that. I mean, apostasy is much more rampant so long as Russians are around, and between those two, we're already up to 9.
I went to private schools for two years. I'm not proud of it. The school district I lived in went bankrupt and since my parents gave a shit about my education and home schooling wasn't an option, private schools were the best alternative.
All of the shit I can say about the high school I went to for a year would take about 1200 pages, but one thing that really stands out in my mind was Bible class. I did well in Bible class, because I read the Bible, even though I didn't take it literally, and to this day, I can talk about it respectfully but insightfully with aplomb. I can talk about it with anyone, regardless of their beliefs or interests.
It was going pretty well. Mr. Dishman was my instructor and he was pretty open to the more literary readings that I favored, so long as I kept my scores up on the weekly tests. We read all the Gospels naturally, and I took a liking close comparisons of the prophets' accounts of Jesus's life (looking back, this was obviously an early stage of my love of the Bible as a literary text). We ran through Acts and I started losing interest, right before Revelation when we ground to a hault.
Out of nowhere, the world was going to end. And it was inevitable. Jesus is coming back and he's fucking pissed. We watched a video made up of what appeared to be ex-70's porn stars, and one of them insisted he was the anti-Christ. Then some really cheesy special effects involving fire and brimstone, and that kid with the weird clothes sitting up front is almost in tears with laughter, much to the chagrin and possible disappointment of my instructor.
A discussion followed that I will never forget as long as I live. "It's going to be the biggest ordeal you'll ever face", began Mr. Dishman. "First of all, without the mark you won't be able to buy so much as a can of soup. To make matters worse, you will be tortured, probably until you're killed for refusing the mark. Some will be lucky. Some who are saved will ascend to Heaven without having to deal with the repercussions of the rapture."
A storm of eager questions followed from the maniacs around me. "Who will be head of the New World Order?" "Why do you have to consent to the mark?" "What will it look like?"
They were serious. Dead. Serious. These were my peers, my classmates, people I was supposed to trust. Suddenly my friends list at Berean Christian High dropped from 0 to about -22.
I thought I was on the way to getting the number back up when I made out with this really cute Christian girl one late afternoon. After I put my index finger inside her girl muffin, she started crying because I had assisted in the breaking of some celibacy promise to her dead grandmother. Shit, thought I. And to think that my penis has been in my pants the whole time.
Then she told me that if her Dad ever found out, he'd take her out of school so she could go milk goats on an Amish farm or something. Oh my God, I'm surrounded by lunatics!
Anyway, that's my experience with rapture zealots. I'm not really one of them, but I do have kind of a morbid desire to see it in my lifetime. How cool would it be to see Jesus descending on us with his angels in tow, all with bazookas, blowing shit up? He walked on water before, but now he'll Karate chop your head off, bitch.
And how awesome would the headlines be for those few days before the End of the World? Jesus Arrives in Rome. Laser Beams Destroy City. Pope Melts.
I don't hate anyone. I'm just misunderstood.