(no subject)
I need to find a way to not let everything go as soon as I start to feel better. It's as if as soon as my symptoms release me from their clutches I put it all in the back of my mind brushed under some memory of a rug I conjured up. I need to commit to whatever it is I need to get better. A therapist, a psychiatrist, a doctor, eating right, exercising, being a good person, contributing to the world, all of it. I need to find ways to keep myself motivated and inspired, to not lose hope or get distracted.
I need some direction in life. I'm going nowhere and I'm too afraid to admit it to myself. Daily I lie to myself and to others as they ask me what I'm doing with myself. I act is if I have some idea, as if I'm really trying to get somewhere, when in reality I'm secretly content going absolutely nowhere. I'm not the protagonist of the fairytales I base my life around, I'm the side character, meaningless and undeserving of adjectives. I need to change that. I need to find my focus and stop talking and writing shit like this that never goes anywhere but sounds all so inspiring as I type it like I'm actually going to change. Then the next day I'm a bumbling idiot again without a worry or with too many of them to do anything.
I need to change this shamble of a life. I need to find meaning, love, work, happiness.
I need some direction in life. I'm going nowhere and I'm too afraid to admit it to myself. Daily I lie to myself and to others as they ask me what I'm doing with myself. I act is if I have some idea, as if I'm really trying to get somewhere, when in reality I'm secretly content going absolutely nowhere. I'm not the protagonist of the fairytales I base my life around, I'm the side character, meaningless and undeserving of adjectives. I need to change that. I need to find my focus and stop talking and writing shit like this that never goes anywhere but sounds all so inspiring as I type it like I'm actually going to change. Then the next day I'm a bumbling idiot again without a worry or with too many of them to do anything.
I need to change this shamble of a life. I need to find meaning, love, work, happiness.