(no subject)
I often think back to my junior year of high school as the best year of my life. It was after I was able to make my own real decisions, but before the responsibility of those decisions drove me insane. Everything back then seemed so perfect, despite all its imperfections. I just feel like I was more capable back then. Capable of coping, understanding, and existing. I'd love to just be back in my friend Joe's gold saturn as he drove us all over South Florida. We were all from different areas, a magnet school will do that, and so after our weekly Friday hangouts we would begin the long procedure of dropping our friends off one by one. I hope Joe knows how much I appreciate all the chauffeuring he did for us back then, but I know to him it was just part of the fun of all being together.
Back then I truly felt invincible. I was truly a good person. I had no ill feelings toward others. In a sense I was very innocent. Somehow life has made me jaded, though I promised I wouldn't allow it to. I've become afraid and doubtful. Compromise after compromise will do that to you, another think I promised to never give into. Back then I just rode the wind of fate, and somehow it all worked out. It was only when I started to doubt that flow that I started to doubt myself and the world around me. I was a child of faith, not of religion, but of magic. The magic of existence and life, friendship and destiny. How I've come to doubt these things and that little doubt has altered my very self in ways I can never understand how to reverse.
I find little enjoyment in what I do anymore. Even things I know I enjoy I am always doubting their benefit or meaningfulness. My mind is always in another place or another time. I find voices falling upon me and I just don't hear them. I am constantly awakening from never-ending thought or daydream only to be left with the sensation of knowing I should have learned something but didn't. Maybe it's ADD, maybe its depression, maybe its just an undeserved abundance of doubt. I have ideas, dreams, capabilities, but I put them aside and question them, I doubt them or doubt my execution of them until they are just memories of what could have been. I've lost my inspiration, and while it still comes in small doses, it is not nearly enough to last me in creating something beautiful. I miss the feeling of love, the touch of genuineness, the passion of secrecy, and the beauty of given belief.
Back then I truly felt invincible. I was truly a good person. I had no ill feelings toward others. In a sense I was very innocent. Somehow life has made me jaded, though I promised I wouldn't allow it to. I've become afraid and doubtful. Compromise after compromise will do that to you, another think I promised to never give into. Back then I just rode the wind of fate, and somehow it all worked out. It was only when I started to doubt that flow that I started to doubt myself and the world around me. I was a child of faith, not of religion, but of magic. The magic of existence and life, friendship and destiny. How I've come to doubt these things and that little doubt has altered my very self in ways I can never understand how to reverse.
I find little enjoyment in what I do anymore. Even things I know I enjoy I am always doubting their benefit or meaningfulness. My mind is always in another place or another time. I find voices falling upon me and I just don't hear them. I am constantly awakening from never-ending thought or daydream only to be left with the sensation of knowing I should have learned something but didn't. Maybe it's ADD, maybe its depression, maybe its just an undeserved abundance of doubt. I have ideas, dreams, capabilities, but I put them aside and question them, I doubt them or doubt my execution of them until they are just memories of what could have been. I've lost my inspiration, and while it still comes in small doses, it is not nearly enough to last me in creating something beautiful. I miss the feeling of love, the touch of genuineness, the passion of secrecy, and the beauty of given belief.