Fin.
Looked back at my old Tumblr posts and realized what went wrong. We will never work out that time even if we tried. I was immature, overly sensitive and insecure, while you were still enjoying your single life back then. It was not the perfect timing. I think you and I both had someone else in mind. My friends didn’t liked you because of your looks and your college status so they preferred our classmate (they’re kinda biased on that note). You were going through a break-up with a relationship that lasted for 2 years. I thought I handled the whole situation pretty well because I felt that I didn’t pressure you in any way - I supported you in your modeling career, in school, even in your lifestyle. I never, not even once, acted like a jealous psychotic girlfriend in front of you and your friends, I never asked you to fetch me after school and take me home, I never asked you for those dates and those treats and those gifts, I never said those three magic words (even though I wanted to, so bad, but I was waiting for the perfect timing which I never got, unfortunately), and I was always there whenever you needed someone to share your problems with at home or at school or with your ex of two years or with your friends… I think everything I did was just right. You know? I thought I was being the right one for you. I WANTED to be the right one for you. I wanted to be different from those girls you dated, from all those girls who had crushes on you. But somehow, my insecurities with your past relationships gobbled me up slowly, all the more with your ‘friends’ who are girls, apparently.
Scratch that, I think in the midst of all those, I was getting crazy with all the fuss, the doubts and whatnot. It may not seem like I’m showing all of that to you before, but believe me I was on the verge of insanity. I was in the middle of peer pressure, of choosing between two guys who already had a special place in my heart. I thought I was being careful with my choices because I don’t want to lose either of you, but in the end I lost both.
And then throwbacks of statuses dated 2-3 years ago began circulating all over facebook - photos, comments, and everything. I thought of you again when my friends from high school suddenly revived those posts of mine way back our era. It was hilarious at first, then those lingering feelings suddenly hit me like a bucket full of cold water splashed all over my body. Too much feels. I had a hard time handling it.
Every word, every line typed in all-caps, every time I re-read it over and over again, I remember those moments I had with you when I posted it years ago. As much as I had a good laugh, sadness also lingered deep within my heart, too. Then my friends started talking about you again, reminiscing all those things and telling me that God saved me from falling into your venomous trap, which I just shrugged and smiled faintly in response.
Three years have passed.
Three years - And honestly I didn’t feel that that time really flies so fast until now; before I know it, tommorow’s the end of 2013. Another year to press that reset button. Another year to make new year’s resolutions. Another year of growing up.
But why did those moments felt like it was only yesterday? That it was only like, 2-3 months since that shit happened? I felt like I was holding onto something so tightly, so tight that it consumed every bit of my feelings, every ounce of strength that I have, every sleepless nights of my 19 year old life, and here I am still blogging about you.
I feel so pathetic. But I guess that’s what love does to people, right?
Today I finished reading a book entitled “The Catastrophic History of You and Me”. At first I got bored, but decided to continue reading it anyway. Then I learned the 5 basic stages in life and death: DENIAL. ANGER. BARGAINING. SADNESS. ACCEPTANCE. I think I’m somewhere in the 4th and 5th stage right now.
I could still remember the days where I used to be in denial, that I didn’t need you and I’m better off without you, and after a while it shifted to anger because I began to think you were a big jerk and that you were worth every profanity invented here on earth, bargaining to God, sobbing every night, pleading Him for you to come back to me and realize what you’ve been missing, and then I got tired of waiting and wanting you back in my life that it made me lonely. I wasn’t the girl I used to be in high school - happy-go-lucky, carefree, optimistic, and beaming… I turned into the opposite.
I think I’m really holding on to moments - moments of those intimate sweetness, those things you which sends butterflies in my stomach and my heart racing and my whole face getting red, all of those things are such good memories, and I can’t seem to throw them all away because, once upon a time, I was the happiest girl in the whole world. Nothing’s even better than the one you love, loves you back.
Or maybe I’m still regretting what could have been, what could have happened if I choose the latter. Then I remembered Spider-Man 2 movie where Peter Parker said, “sometimes to choose what’s right, we have to let go of the things we want the most… We must sacrifice.” I think it’s bound to happen anyway. It didn’t work in the past because it wouldn’t work even if I try, or even if you did. I would still be making the same choices and you would still leave, because that’s the right thing to do. We would think it’s for the best, even if it hurts us.
It’s kinda bittersweet to remember that you loved me. I’m happy to know you did, but the saddest part is, not as much as I love you, all this time. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the girl who would stand out from the rest, but I tried. I really did. I tried to be the right one but I think it’s not yet the time. I tried to be different for you, I tried to express my love for you indirectly, hoping that you would see the consequences I’m facing just to protect you from the people’s judgments and all that, but I you wouldn’t want me to face those consequences because you don’t want to see me get hurt. We weren’t ready. It wasn’t the time. Before, when I think about it every time, I would say to myself, “no, he will come back. If it’s meant to be, the right time will come for us.” I was really stupid and naive to think that, because you already had girlfriends, while I’m still stuck in the past. I couldn’t let go because you were the best thing that has happened to my life that no other thing, no other moment could ever seem to replace it. I think I’m just a girl madly in love… But to whom? With you, or the idea of you?
Three years. I wasted my 17, 18, and 19-year old life still crying every night thinking about you, trying to make a connection with your heart. I felt like this was a huge karma because I also hurt the other guy whom my friends wanted me to end up with. I don’t know… I kept praying to God, until I didn’t know what I was praying - for you to come back to me, or for me to move on and let go already? It’s so exhausting. I feel so fragile and vulnerable. I don’t even know myself anymore. I think I got used to sadness for the past three years. There was even a time where I stopped and thought, “I’ll just continue loving him in silence until the end of time and I’ll die alone”. But now? “What if I turned forty and suddenly I’ll look back and remember the opportunities I’ve missed because I couldn’t let go of a guy who had set me free decades ago? What if I’m the only one in my circle of friends who isn’t married because I’m still holding on to the thought of you coming back to me?” I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to revolve my whole life around you. I don’t want to linger anymore. I don’t want to wait and hope for something that clearly isn’t going to come back.
What’s done is done.
And so this is it - my ultimatum. My last words. My last blog about you. To be honest, I kept rehearsing all the lines I could muster when I bumped onto you or when I see you by chance. And then I read a quote, “Even though make millions of assumptions about the future, the truth is that we don’t know what can happen in the next moment”. It’s true, I may never know what would I say when I saw you face-to-face, but no matter how it turned out, I think it’s meant to happen anyway.
I always thought you were “THE ONE”. You are just my type - chinky-eyed boy with a sexy, soulful stare, a milky white skin complexion, buff and healthy, not too tall and not too short, a couple of years older than me, matured, romantic and funny, cocky but not so much, kind and friendly, not afraid to show the world who he loves, and every positive adjective you could think of. Although I can see through all your flaws, I still think you’re someone worth all the time, love, and care in the world. You blinded me with your promises about forever, you once thought that we were soulmates (you probably don’t know this but when you told me that, I felt like I was literally the happiest person in the world), and you also dreamed about a future with me. You were the perfect guy - too perfect, that I couldn’t believe a guy like that would ever see a girl like me. I think I wasn’t enough for you back then, that is why I had doubts about myself, about you and your intentions, and it made me insecure because, how can’t I? You were ethereal in my eyes and I wasn’t. I’m not the prettiest in our school, nor the most intelligent, I’m also not one of those chinita-meztisas all the boys drool over for, and I didn’t know what you saw in me.
So yeah… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for focusing on my flaws, for focusing too much about the doubts that there came a time that I didn’t believe in you. No, I never believed in you. I’m sorry. I was afraid to get hurt, and the assurance you have given me felt like it wasn’t enough to conceal all those insecurities away. I was afraid that one day you’ll realize that I’m not really what you wanted, that I’m just a rebound. I over-think things too much that I didn’t believe in myself. I’m so scared to take risks, and that fear made me lose a lot of people in the process. I’m sorry I didn’t fought enough, I’m sorry I didn’t realize all of this earlier. I was too preoccupied with all the pain and the longing and sadness and when I looked back, I realized it wasn’t meant to be that way, that I could’ve lowered my pride when you sent me a message, congratulating me in my graduation. I could’ve texted you but I didn’t because I was still angry and hurt. I thought it will go away eventually but it didn’t. It lingered. I could’ve saved us, I guess it was all on me.
I sent you that message on facebook last September 2012, but you didn’t respond. For me that was enough to realize you won’t come back to me anytime soon. That was the turning point. So all of these feelings, I’m letting it all go this coming year. I don’t want to waste any more tears for something that is already gone three years ago. I don’t want to nurture all the sadness in my heart, I want my old, jovial self back. I want to do myself a favor and release all of it. I love and I am always going to love you, you’re always gonna be the one that got away, and it will remain that way. I have to be in that 5th stage - I have to fully accept the things which are beyond my control. I don’t want to be that pathetic, sad little girl anymore; I want to be the right one for someone else.
So I guess this is good bye. Good bye to all the memories we once shared, good bye to the sound of your voice, your cute laugh and the way you mimic mine, to that delicate face I once touched. Good bye to three years of being in misery, of being madly in love with you, and so now I’m on the verge of acceptance. I needed this, I really do. I want to let you know, if ever you get the chance to read this (I hope I’m dead by that time), that you were the greatest love of my life. You were the best thing I never had. You were always my dream. I have to accept the fact that you and I were never meant to be. Yes, some people were meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together. Painful as it sounds but, that’s reality, I guess. I hope by the time you read this, you would understand, and somehow think of me. The girl who had loved you almost all her teenage life; the one you left behind, and waited.
Here it is, the finishing chapter. As I finally end this, I want you to know that even though I’m just a chapter in your life, for me, you were the whole book. And now I’m going to write another book again, this time with chapters of every single moments with all the people who stayed, who truly mattered. I think if ever you read this you would probably think that I’m mad, or crazy, or too cheesy, or too sappy, or insane, or whatever… But that’s how I love.
I love you. I love you. I love you. For the last time, I love you. You will always be in my heart.
And now, good bye. I’m letting all of my feelings for you go.
Fin.