Seven Hells
You know you've had a long day and the heat is creeping in to your brain, playing games with you, when you realize that the no shirt/no shoes: no service rule that applies in convenience stores, if rigidly enforced, meant that Hawkman can't get a blue raspberry slushie at his local 711.
Fucking Hawkman. I mean, let's get serious here, people. Here's a guy who puts on his wings every day, rain or shine, and goes out and FIGHTS FOR YOUR FREEDOM! Okay? Against pricks like Count Vertigo, The Gentleman Ghost, and Starro the Conqueror, whom I don't see you making much of an effort to defeat.
And you can't see it there, but the guy takes a mace around everywhere he goes. Imagine that. Not a lameass batarang or a deck of cards he'll charge with "kinetic energy." (Jackass). A Mace. For beating you to death.
And yet I see this hero, this national treasure, outside the local Circle K, holding his deadly mace but with nothing but a forlorn expression, forbidden to go inside and purchase a 32 oz. Gatorade to replenish the vital electrolytes his system needs after a serious tussle with The Matter Master. I just see him standing there, muttering "Seven Hells" to himself.
During the Fifties and Sixties, every comic character had his or her own catchphrase to signal shock and awe at, say, a giant starfish coming to eat the planet. Hawkman's was "Seven Hells," which coincidentally served to remind you that his character was a bloody fucking pagan with strange alien gods. Most of us, faced with similar five-fingered doom, would probably say fuck or shit or Jesus Christ God Almighty Why Not Texas First?
But profanity, fine a tool as it can be for getting your point across, gets worn out. I therefore, humbly present a list of seven (more, technically) utterances to help you in your daily life, in case you stub your toe or find that the Fadeaway Man has stolen the Detroit Windsor tunnel.
7) "Great Scott/Gotham/Krypton/Rao/Hera/Galaxies/Guardians/Guns!" I'm not sure what started the exclamatory catch-phrase trend in comics, but the DC superheroes, lo through the mighty Fifties and Sixties, seemed to be its standard bearers. Each one would have his own, not quite original, phrase of astonished disbelief. Superman was Scott (as was Batman) at first, then later Krypton and, in the 70's I think, Rao, much like Hawkman, to emphasize that he was Not From Here. "Great Galaxies" is pretty nice.
6) "Suffering Sappho!" No, I'm not kidding. Wonder Woman totally said this. Of course in those days lesbianism was a bit more under-the-radar and certainly far less commodified. So it made a little more sense. Although Wonder Woman, she's a whole different story altogether...
5) "Oh, my Stars and Garters!" So eventually Stan Lee and those young turks at Marvel got involved in this, and this utterance, from X-Men's The Beast, is one of theirs. Which I always wondered about, what with Hank McCoy being such a Manly Man.
4) "Odin's Beard!" This was Thor's phrase of distress, and I feel at this point you have to be Will Farrell to pull it off. I was going to include the "Holy ____, Batman!" line, but that's a bit trite and obvious. Nothing on this list is particularly obvious unless you're as diseased as me.
3) "Great Caesar's Ghost!" Adding to the list of Greats is this gem from one Mr. Perry White, editor-in-chief of the Daily Planet. It's been modified a few times, and it's easy to put your own spin on it. I'm planning on using my own variant:
"Great Lohan's Ghost!"
Too soon?
2) "By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth!" We come now to Dr Strange, Marvel Comics' Master Magician. "Hoary" is an outdated word and one that's an amusing homophone, obviously. So points to you if you can refer to your local cadre of perhaps-less-than-virtuous-seeming Undergrad Ladies as the Whorey Host.
However, all of these substitute exclamatories pale in comparison to the one, the only...
1) "Sweet Christmas!" Is there anybody cooler than Luke Cage? I mean, here's a guy who walked around in a day-glo yellow v-neck, yellow boots, and blue tights. With a chain belt. And an afro. Luke Cage is the disco era of superheroics personified. And the tiara! He's wearing a fucking tiara! And do you know why? Because he's daring you to comment on it. He wears a CHAIN. For a BELT. Go ahead. Ask him about the tiara.
But I'm digressing here. Has there ever been a better phrase of astonishment and disbelief? Have ever two words been more deftly fitted together to express (hu)man(ity)'s trembling fear at the strangeness and isolation of a harsh and unfriendly universe? I don't think so, and neither should you.
You're welcome.
Fucking Hawkman. I mean, let's get serious here, people. Here's a guy who puts on his wings every day, rain or shine, and goes out and FIGHTS FOR YOUR FREEDOM! Okay? Against pricks like Count Vertigo, The Gentleman Ghost, and Starro the Conqueror, whom I don't see you making much of an effort to defeat.
And you can't see it there, but the guy takes a mace around everywhere he goes. Imagine that. Not a lameass batarang or a deck of cards he'll charge with "kinetic energy." (Jackass). A Mace. For beating you to death.
And yet I see this hero, this national treasure, outside the local Circle K, holding his deadly mace but with nothing but a forlorn expression, forbidden to go inside and purchase a 32 oz. Gatorade to replenish the vital electrolytes his system needs after a serious tussle with The Matter Master. I just see him standing there, muttering "Seven Hells" to himself.
During the Fifties and Sixties, every comic character had his or her own catchphrase to signal shock and awe at, say, a giant starfish coming to eat the planet. Hawkman's was "Seven Hells," which coincidentally served to remind you that his character was a bloody fucking pagan with strange alien gods. Most of us, faced with similar five-fingered doom, would probably say fuck or shit or Jesus Christ God Almighty Why Not Texas First?
But profanity, fine a tool as it can be for getting your point across, gets worn out. I therefore, humbly present a list of seven (more, technically) utterances to help you in your daily life, in case you stub your toe or find that the Fadeaway Man has stolen the Detroit Windsor tunnel.
7) "Great Scott/Gotham/Krypton/Rao/Hera/Galaxies/Guardians/Guns!" I'm not sure what started the exclamatory catch-phrase trend in comics, but the DC superheroes, lo through the mighty Fifties and Sixties, seemed to be its standard bearers. Each one would have his own, not quite original, phrase of astonished disbelief. Superman was Scott (as was Batman) at first, then later Krypton and, in the 70's I think, Rao, much like Hawkman, to emphasize that he was Not From Here. "Great Galaxies" is pretty nice.
6) "Suffering Sappho!" No, I'm not kidding. Wonder Woman totally said this. Of course in those days lesbianism was a bit more under-the-radar and certainly far less commodified. So it made a little more sense. Although Wonder Woman, she's a whole different story altogether...
5) "Oh, my Stars and Garters!" So eventually Stan Lee and those young turks at Marvel got involved in this, and this utterance, from X-Men's The Beast, is one of theirs. Which I always wondered about, what with Hank McCoy being such a Manly Man.
4) "Odin's Beard!" This was Thor's phrase of distress, and I feel at this point you have to be Will Farrell to pull it off. I was going to include the "Holy ____, Batman!" line, but that's a bit trite and obvious. Nothing on this list is particularly obvious unless you're as diseased as me.
3) "Great Caesar's Ghost!" Adding to the list of Greats is this gem from one Mr. Perry White, editor-in-chief of the Daily Planet. It's been modified a few times, and it's easy to put your own spin on it. I'm planning on using my own variant:
"Great Lohan's Ghost!"
Too soon?
2) "By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth!" We come now to Dr Strange, Marvel Comics' Master Magician. "Hoary" is an outdated word and one that's an amusing homophone, obviously. So points to you if you can refer to your local cadre of perhaps-less-than-virtuous-seeming Undergrad Ladies as the Whorey Host.
However, all of these substitute exclamatories pale in comparison to the one, the only...
1) "Sweet Christmas!" Is there anybody cooler than Luke Cage? I mean, here's a guy who walked around in a day-glo yellow v-neck, yellow boots, and blue tights. With a chain belt. And an afro. Luke Cage is the disco era of superheroics personified. And the tiara! He's wearing a fucking tiara! And do you know why? Because he's daring you to comment on it. He wears a CHAIN. For a BELT. Go ahead. Ask him about the tiara.
But I'm digressing here. Has there ever been a better phrase of astonishment and disbelief? Have ever two words been more deftly fitted together to express (hu)man(ity)'s trembling fear at the strangeness and isolation of a harsh and unfriendly universe? I don't think so, and neither should you.
You're welcome.