'Cause I'm The One That Loves You Best.
Thanksgiving was a success, despite my mom's OCD and the onset of my period and pissy mood. Thanksgiving lunch was chicken tikka, chicken biryani, lamb Karachi (lamb curry with yogurt), palak paneer, aloo gobi, and coconut chutney. And then I had a two-hour nap to absorb ALL THAT AMAZING FOOD.
I know, my mom's amazing. I tell her that all the time too. Best Thanksgiving ever. :D
So, like, leupagus prompted me to write a story about Kono's family setting her up on dates all the time and all the disasters that entailed. It was supposed to be a short ficlet, but it ended up as a full fledged story, which is somehow all her fault. The Danny/Kono is for Kita and Alex since they're part of the cheerleading squad for that pairing. Many grateful thanks to charliehey for sending me pictures of adorable men playing with bear cubs and always catching my Futurama references. ♥
If I've gotten any of the Hawaiian Creole wrong, please let me know? I researched as much as I could, but there's only so much the internet can tell me. Also, I really hope this doesn't suck. It's a constant worry of mine.
Ain't Gotta Flaunt For Me
Monday
Malia calls her in the middle of tailing a suspect, which is wrong on so many levels that Kono doesn't even know where to begin. Unfortunately, Malia's family, which means that Kono can't ignore her on the off-chance that it's an actual emergency involving one of the family. Like when Ulani's water broke in the middle of a training exercise and she'd had to leave to drive her to the hospital because she'd promised Kai that she'd take care of his wife while he was on his last tour.
"Oh my God, Mal," she says as she picks up the call, swerving left with a jerk as their suspect turns to get off the highway, "someone had better be dying or I'm going to be pissed."
"Watch the road," Chin says through clenched teeth, his hand hovering near the steering wheel, but never actually daring to touch it. "I don't want to die at 35."
She can hear Malia's tinny laughter on the phone just before she says, "Honey, unless you're in a time machine, there's no way he's 35. Tell him to stop lying about his age already."
"Tell her to shut up," Chin says impatiently, his hand clutched against his seatbelt like it's a magic talisman against the way Kono drives, "or I'm telling Tutu kane who lost his watch when we were teenagers."
"God, he can hold a grudge," Malia sighs, and Kono doesn't have time for this, she's in the middle of a case, for fuck's sake.
"Mal," she says impatiently, and Malia says, "Fine, fine, I just called to tell you I set you up on a date with this guy I know."
Kono feels her stomach drop and makes an unhappy sound. "No way. Mal, you remember--"
"That was just once," she protests.
"Twice," Kono interrupts, taking a sharp right turn, ignoring the way Chin's lips move in a silent prayer as she barely avoids bumping into the car next to her. "And the second time, I had to use a taser."
Chin makes a sharp, warning sound as Kono stops suddenly, almost ramming into the car in front of her. "Kono, seriously," he says angrily, but she just waves him off. If she doesn't speak to Mal now, the woman's going to track her down to the ends of the earth until she has her say. Kono knows crime bosses who are less tenacious and more forgiving than Malia. It's easier to just deal with her when she calls.
"Look," Malia's saying in her reasonable tone of voice, "this guy is nice and smart and doesn't seem to have any creepy issues with women, so just go out on a date with him so your mother can get off my back, okay?"
Kono groans and resists the urge to slam her head against the steering wheel. "Is she still on about having grandchildren?" Beside her, Chin gives her a sympathetic look. He knows her mom, so he knows what she's up against.
"She wants them right now," Malia admits ruefully, "so you'd better go on this date or we're going to hear all about it at Sunday's dinner."
"Fuck," Kono sighs, resigning herself to a night of good food and bad conversation. "Send the deets to my e-mail and I'll be there."
"Dress up for this guy," Malia adds just before she hangs up. "He's worth it."
"Another blind date?" Chin asks as she moves forward again, picking up the tail where she'd left off.
"Another chance to get all dressed up and get free food and booze," she says with a grimace, not looking forward to it, but deciding to make the best of it anyway.
"Sucks."
"Totally." She looks over at him as something occurs to her. "Hey, are you coming for dinner on Sunday? Mom's been asking for months now."
"Right, right, turn fucking right," Chin yells, grabbing hold of the steering wheel and yanking it hard to the right. Kono watches as they narrowly avoiding crashing into the car in front of them, and blows her hair out of her face, grabbing hold of the wheel and glaring at Chin.
"I saw that, you know," she says snippily, ignoring the way Chin collapses back in his seat and puts his face in his hands. "So Sunday?"
"I'll be there," Chin promises with a sigh. "But tell your mom to stop asking me about grandchildren. I already get that from my mom."
Kono rolls her eyes. "Good luck with that, 'cuz."
"Sucks," Chin says gloomily.
"Totally."
***
She dresses in a Versace rip-off that's a little more comfortable than the real thing and wears the Manolo Blahniks she blew half her paycheck on as a birthday present to herself. She takes a picture of herself and sends it to Danny just because she knows he'll boost her ego with his response. Two minutes later, she gets a text saying 'WOW' and smiles delightedly. He's so easy, but she kind of likes that about him.
The date lasts twenty minutes, from the drinks to the salad, and ends abruptly when he tells her that he wants children soon before his five-year plan comes to an end and would a June wedding be too soon?
She spends 50 minutes on the phone with Malia the next day, yelling at her for not vetting Kono's blind dates more thoroughly and vowing to never date anyone again. Malia just laughs until she cries and tries to choke out an apology in between Kono's horrified re-telling of the entire evening.
Kono vows to spend the rest of her life alone with a taser in her purse.
***
Tuesday
Her mother calls when she's on stakeout with Steve in the car. She tries to keep the conversation quiet, but Steve is really good at pretending he's not eavesdropping and her mother makes her crazy enough to yell out everything.
"I have a date for you," she starts without any preamble, greetings being the thing she reserves for guests and work colleagues. "You're going."
"Mom," Kono starts, and she has to stop when she realizes that she's talking in the same whiny voice she used when she was 15 and her mom told her to clean her room. She really hates how she always seems to revert to a bratty teenager when she talks to her mom on the phone.
"Kono," her mom says reasonably, and Kono is starting to get really tired of how reasonable her family gets when it comes to convincing her that they need to participate in her love life. "He's a nice guy."
"I'm tired of nice guys and bad dates and shellfish," Kono complains, looking over at Steve just as he finds the window endlessly fascinating. She really hopes he doesn't do that 'caring commander' thing where he asks her to talk about her feelings and her life; she's got friends and family for that. Steve can continue being the terse, warped jerk she's come to respect and sort of, maybe, kind of like; or at least not punch out at every opportunity. "It's a pain in the ass--
"Don't say 'ass'," her mother says automatically, and Kono has to resist the urge to remind her mom that she's an adult and has been saying 'ass' since she was 13.
"Can't we just skip the bad date for once?" she begs, trying really hard not to whine, although she doesn't think she's succeeded because beside her, Steve makes a strangled sound that's half-amusement and half-surprise. She's almost tempted to mail Danny that picture of their fearless leader asleep at his desk last evening, his face mashed into the desk with his hair pressed flat against his forehead, while the rest of the team was getting the surveillance in place, but she's saving that blackmail material for when she really needs it.
"I want grandchildren," her mother says baldly, and there's the sound of things clattering and excited voices in the background, which means that her mom is making lunch with her cousins. Kono thinks sadly of the cup of coffee and lackluster faux-pita thingy she had this morning and wishes she were home for a real meal right now. It would at least make this entire discussion easier to take if she had a plate of good food and a beer.
"I just want you to find someone who makes you happy and start a family with them," her mother says compellingly. And put like that, it all sounds so innocent and reasonable, Kono thinks, wondering how her mother can make her feel guilty with just a tone of voice. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, Mom," Kono sighs, slumping back in her seat, feeling doomed by this entire conversation before it had even really started. "I just don't get why you're going on about it now."
Her mother laughs, one of those loud barks of laughter that makes Kono jump at the suddenness of it. "This is not some parallel universe where you're getting any younger," she tells her dryly, and Kono can almost imagine the eyeroll that accompanied that statement.
"Mom!"
"Suspect," Steve reminds her, speaking for the first time. Kono can hear him trying not to laugh and she makes a mental note to call Chin to help her plan her revenge when she has some free time. Or maybe she just will send Danny that picture of Steve curled into his desk like he's trying to become one with it.
"Right," she tells her mother with a defeated tone, "when's the date?"
"Tomorrow at eight," her mother tells her warmly, and Kono wonders how she can love someone so much when all they do is make her so crazy. "Wear something--"
"Nice, I got it, Mom."
"I love you, Kono."
Kono smiles. "I love you too, Mom. Even when you drive me insane," she adds quietly after she hangs up the phone.
"Moms, huh?" Steve says blandly, not doing a very good job of hiding his interest in the whole discussion with the way he's looking at her like he can read her whole life story with just a glance.
She holds up her hand to curtail anything he has to say. "She's my mom, she's gone crazy with the idea of me having kids, it's a family thing, and I will shoot you if you say anything about it."
Steve holds up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Wasn't going to say anything." There's a moment of silence and then: "What are you going to wear?"
She glares at him, torn between being pissed that he's not ignoring this like he should and amused that he actually wants to talk clothing with her. "Seriously, I have a gun and I'm annoyed enough to forget you're my superior."
Steve's grinning, his hand against his mouth like he's trying to hide it lest it ruin his reputation as a humorless hardass. "Does this happen a lot?"
"All the time."
He gives her a sympathetic look. "Sucks."
"Totally," she sighs. "Look, are we done with the observation here?" She points at the suspect leaving the building in front of them. "Because my mom just made lunch and I'm starving."
He sends the pictures he's taken of the suspect to Chin, texting him a quick note to run facial recognition on all the people their suspect has met, and shoves his phone back in his coat pocket. "That depends," he shrugs casually. "Am I invited?"
She gives him a look that he conveniently ignores. "Seriously, you're inviting yourself to lunch at my mom's?"
Steve does this little pursed lip thing that means he's trying to hide a smile. "Was that a little too much?" he asks ruefully.
She makes a see-saw motion with her hand. "Felt like you rushed it a little," she smirks.
He holds his hand to his belly and tries to look pathetic and hungry. "Take pity on a starving man?" he begs, and she sighs and nods, thinking what the hell, at least she'll get a good lunch while her mom lectures her on the importance of family and being happy.
"Fine," she agrees grudgingly, "but you're telling my mom that we're not dating and trying to convince my cousins not to plan a winter wedding."
He makes a face. "Really?"
"Really."
"Wow."
"I know." She makes an impatient hand motion at him. "Drive, Jeeves."
***
Wednesday
She wears a slinky Anna Sui dress and her hot pink Alexander McQueens and sends the picture to Danny. He texts her something filthy and hilariously sweet when he sees a picture of her, and she seriously considers ditching her date and hanging out with him all evening. Then she remembers her mother and dismisses that plan in a hurry.
It ends with her having to leave in the middle of dinner because their suspect meets up with the crime syndicate boss and their case blows wide open. She apologizes and he says he understands and asks if he can call on her later, but she knows she's never going to hear from him again. She finds that men tend to get scared away when they are viscerally reminded that she's a cop, and watching her check the gun in her purse tends to act as a physical reminder.
"Oh, baby," Danny murmurs when she shows up at the meeting place, his eyes wide as he takes in all her evening finery. "Nice shoes."
"Focus, Danno," she scolds, ignoring the little leap her heart makes when he smiles appreciatively at her. She has enough to worry about having to explain to her mom that she had to ditch her date for police work.
She's maybe a little more rough than she has to be when they finally cuff the suspect and shove him in the squad car, but dammit, her mom's going to interrogate her about her date, and police work will just not cut it as an excuse for not going through with the entire evening. She slams the guy's head into the front seat when he tries to shove his way out of the car and feels a little better when he sits docilely in the back on their way to the station.
She understands Steve a little better now and wonders if she should see the department shrink.
***
Thursday
Black Hervé Léger and red Jimmy Choo peep-toe pumps. Her aunt has set her up with a nice man who teaches math to second graders, and Kono feels confident that this date won't end in tears or a shootout. She hopes at least. Chin has promised to keep Steve busy enough that she'll get an evening off for once.
Danny sends her a ':O' face in response to the picture she sends him and she likes to think that she'd rendered him speechless with this outfit.
The date actually goes well. He's really sweet and makes her laugh a lot, she talks about being in the HPD and he doesn't run away screaming, and they even go out for coffee after dinner because they're having such a good time.
So of course they have absolutely no sexual chemistry together because that's how her life goes these days. Kono feels nothing when he leans in and kisses her good night, not even a skipped heartbeat, but she figures that at least it didn't end in disaster and arrests like her dates usually do. It's something to celebrate.
'Date?' Danny texts her the next morning while she's drinking o.j. and debating between toast or becoming a cop cliché and grabbing some malasadas on her way to work.
'Good. But like kissing my brother,' she texts back, reflecting that her dating life seems to be a pastiche of terrible sitcom plots and humiliating pratfalls. If her life were actually a TV show, she'd be savaged by the critics for being so clichéd and canceled within three episodes of the pilot airing.
'Sucks,' Danny texts with his usual sympathy. 'Wear something nice when u come 2 work. ;)'
She laughs and thinks that really only Danny can say this shit to her in text-speak without her wanting to hit him somewhere vulnerable. 'Blow me, Williams.'
'Stop sexually harassing me, Ka-- Kalu-- how do u spell ur last name again?'
She turns off her phone and gets dressed for work, smiling the whole time and berating herself for being charmed by a man who actually gets headaches from all the rage he carries around with him at all times. She's been seriously considering putting Xanax in his coffee just so he won't have a coronary in the middle of bitching Steve out. If only to save them all the ensuing paperwork, she tells herself as she gets dressed and straps her holster onto her shoulder, not really believing her own lies either.
She doesn't dress up for him at work, but when they have to go undercover for another case, she slips on a pair of silver Roberto Cavalli sandals and lets him put his arm around her waist as they wait at the bar for Interpol's most wanted thief. He gently runs his thumb along the edge of her shoulder, she leans back in his arms, and they just enjoy each other's company for a few minutes.
Later, she tells her mom that she went on a real date and had a good time. She doesn't feel all that bad about lying, mainly because of the way Danny looks at her during the sting operation, like he's thought in great detail about what she'd taste like and is desperate to find out.
So she takes him home and lets him find out. She's late for work the next day, but she can't stop smiling, and Danny's mellow for the rest of their shift. Steve makes pointed comments about pod people, Chin looks like he knows what's going on but really wishes he didn't, and Danny just smiles and drinks his coffee without making any comments about how coffee is better back in Jersey because it's just coffee-flavored coffee, not pineapple-flavored crap.
Yeah, she's good.
***
Friday
Kono's phone rings in the middle of a team meeting, which she resolutely ignores because she knows exactly who's calling her and she is not giving in this time. It rings exactly twice before Steve eyeballs her like she's a suspect and asks, "Are you gonna get that?"
"No," she says flatly and makes a carry-on gesture that he ignores.
"Kono--"
Chin looks at him and subtly shakes his head. Steve raises an eyebrow at him and Chin moves his hand in a certain manner that seems to satisfy Steve's unspoken question because he shrugs and continues on with updating them on the case details. Kono's phone eventually stops ringing as the call goes into voicemail and she can see the line of Steve's shoulders relax a little.
Frowning, Danny leans into her, his eyes still on Steve like he's witnessed something he can't understand. "What just happened?" he asks sotto voce while Steve brings up a few unknown faces on the display console and starts listing off their rap sheets.
"The whole conversation without words thing?" she asks softly, repressing a smile when Danny nods vigorously. "Creepy, isn't it? They do that sometimes."
"How-- why?" Danny's moving his hands again like he's doing pantomime, which continually fascinates Kono. She's never met anyone before who talks as much with his hands as he does and his square, blunt fingers seem to always serve to punctuate the emotionality of his point.
"Secret ritual," she says deadpan, checking her phone discreetly when she hears it vibrate, indicating she has a text message. 'Answr ur fone, dammit!' pops up, which means she can safely ignore it one more time. "Only ex-boyfriends can do it."
"Seriously?" Danny yells, bringing the meeting to a halt. Chin manages to look only vaguely curious while Steve gives Danny the hairy eyeball for interrupting him in the middle of his recitation, so Danny holds up his hand in apology. "Sorry, sorry." He makes a generous continue-on motion that makes Steve roll his eyes before he turns back to their bad guys of the week. "Seriously?" he asks in a lower voice. "They're exes?"
She's about to roll her eyes and then she realizes that for all intents and purposes, Danny's new to the Steve/Chin drama that's been going on since she was about twelve, and thus, has no fucking idea about them. "I'll tell you about it later, okay?" she murmurs as quietly as she can, noticing that Steve is looking at them with a stern expression of disapproval on his face.
"We'll get a beer," he mutters, moving his mouth just enough for her to hear the words, but not enough for Steve to see them move. It's a ventriloquist act with no dummy, and she has to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing out loud at that thought. Danny just wouldn't appreciate the genius of it.
"I'll wear those shoes you like," she promises in a whisper, texting back 'On the job' to her cousin, Leilani, and hoping that'll give her enough breathing room for a few hours.
Danny slouches further in his chair, his eyes ostensibly on the virtual screen in front of them, but all his attention actually focused on Kono's legs. "Those black heels with the red bottoms?"
She smiles and nods silently, biting back a laugh when he lets out a soft groan that she guesses means approval. "Lunch at my place?" she asks under her breath, nodding at whatever Steve says, his tone indicating that he's wrapping up the meeting.
"Fuck, yeah," Danny breathes fervently as he gets out of his chair and starts to head out after Steve. "I'll bring lunch, you just bring yourself."
"Oh, the jokes I could make, Danno," she teases, her breath catching in her throat when he turns and looks at her hotly, promising her everything with just his eyes.
"Hold that thought," he tells her quickly, turning and yelling, "Keep your goddamn panties on, McGarrett, I said I was coming" at Steve who's waving him on impatiently. "Wear the shoes," he tells her as he leaves.
"Fetishist."
He grins and blows her a kiss. "I just like the way they make your ass look, princess." And then he's out the door, yelling about Steve's lack of manners and impatience loudly enough that the whole station can hear him.
"Sunday is going to be interesting," Chin says quietly, coming up behind her so quietly that she jumps and curses him once she remembers how to breathe again. You'd think she'd be used to it by now, growing up around the guy, but his silence still takes her by surprise now and again.
She shakes her head. "I'm not bringing him home to Mom. She'd be asking him about grandchildren and when he's going to be making more with me, and I don't want to scare him off before I've had a chance to enjoy myself."
Chin thinks about that. "So what you're saying is that I can't shoot him for what he's doing with you?" he asks cautiously.
She turns and gives him a dirty look. "Which speech do you want, 'cuz? The 'I can take care of myself' speech or the 'I will bust your ass to your mom about you and Steve if you threaten Danno' speech?"
Chin makes a pained face, like Kono has struck him a low blow and he's very disappointed in her. "Don't mention Steve to her, okay?" he begs. "She still hasn't forgiven him for what happened in high school."
"God, your family can hold grudges," she sighs and holds out her hand to him. "Let's deal: you don't kill my potential boyfriend and I won't tell your mom that you're sleeping with your ex again."
"Deal. To poor life choices," Chin says wryly, shaking her hand.
She laughs. "And all the fun we have making them."
She's already planning on buying a pair of scarlet Valentino leather platform pumps just to see how Danny will react. It's probably going to end up with her on top of him, naked except for her shoes while he finds religion and tries to put his head through her wall again. She's probably going to end up being blamed for his burgeoning shoe fetish, but since she's discovered that she really has a thing for leading him around by his stupid, completely unnecessary, but somehow appealing tie, she figures they're even.
She'll even think about taking him home to meet Mom later, maybe, possibly after she runs out of ways to get him naked and loud. That might be worth the ensuing interrogation just to see her mom and Danny size each other up like gunslingers at high noon while she and her cousins get drunk and lay bets on who will win. She's going with her mom; she's tiny but fierce, and while Danny's the same way, her mom has the added benefit of bringing up two kids, plus a lot of nieces, nephews, cousins, great-cousins, and a random assortment of extended family. Danny doesn't stand a chance.
In the meantime, she's got police work to do and a lunchtime seduction to plan. At least she's got the dating thing all figured out.
And now for the post-Thanksgiving clean-up. I have never cleaned so much in my life, and we've moved quite a few times in my life. Ugh. I may need a nap after.
I know, my mom's amazing. I tell her that all the time too. Best Thanksgiving ever. :D
So, like, leupagus prompted me to write a story about Kono's family setting her up on dates all the time and all the disasters that entailed. It was supposed to be a short ficlet, but it ended up as a full fledged story, which is somehow all her fault. The Danny/Kono is for Kita and Alex since they're part of the cheerleading squad for that pairing. Many grateful thanks to charliehey for sending me pictures of adorable men playing with bear cubs and always catching my Futurama references. ♥
If I've gotten any of the Hawaiian Creole wrong, please let me know? I researched as much as I could, but there's only so much the internet can tell me. Also, I really hope this doesn't suck. It's a constant worry of mine.
Ain't Gotta Flaunt For Me
Monday
Malia calls her in the middle of tailing a suspect, which is wrong on so many levels that Kono doesn't even know where to begin. Unfortunately, Malia's family, which means that Kono can't ignore her on the off-chance that it's an actual emergency involving one of the family. Like when Ulani's water broke in the middle of a training exercise and she'd had to leave to drive her to the hospital because she'd promised Kai that she'd take care of his wife while he was on his last tour.
"Oh my God, Mal," she says as she picks up the call, swerving left with a jerk as their suspect turns to get off the highway, "someone had better be dying or I'm going to be pissed."
"Watch the road," Chin says through clenched teeth, his hand hovering near the steering wheel, but never actually daring to touch it. "I don't want to die at 35."
She can hear Malia's tinny laughter on the phone just before she says, "Honey, unless you're in a time machine, there's no way he's 35. Tell him to stop lying about his age already."
"Tell her to shut up," Chin says impatiently, his hand clutched against his seatbelt like it's a magic talisman against the way Kono drives, "or I'm telling Tutu kane who lost his watch when we were teenagers."
"God, he can hold a grudge," Malia sighs, and Kono doesn't have time for this, she's in the middle of a case, for fuck's sake.
"Mal," she says impatiently, and Malia says, "Fine, fine, I just called to tell you I set you up on a date with this guy I know."
Kono feels her stomach drop and makes an unhappy sound. "No way. Mal, you remember--"
"That was just once," she protests.
"Twice," Kono interrupts, taking a sharp right turn, ignoring the way Chin's lips move in a silent prayer as she barely avoids bumping into the car next to her. "And the second time, I had to use a taser."
Chin makes a sharp, warning sound as Kono stops suddenly, almost ramming into the car in front of her. "Kono, seriously," he says angrily, but she just waves him off. If she doesn't speak to Mal now, the woman's going to track her down to the ends of the earth until she has her say. Kono knows crime bosses who are less tenacious and more forgiving than Malia. It's easier to just deal with her when she calls.
"Look," Malia's saying in her reasonable tone of voice, "this guy is nice and smart and doesn't seem to have any creepy issues with women, so just go out on a date with him so your mother can get off my back, okay?"
Kono groans and resists the urge to slam her head against the steering wheel. "Is she still on about having grandchildren?" Beside her, Chin gives her a sympathetic look. He knows her mom, so he knows what she's up against.
"She wants them right now," Malia admits ruefully, "so you'd better go on this date or we're going to hear all about it at Sunday's dinner."
"Fuck," Kono sighs, resigning herself to a night of good food and bad conversation. "Send the deets to my e-mail and I'll be there."
"Dress up for this guy," Malia adds just before she hangs up. "He's worth it."
"Another blind date?" Chin asks as she moves forward again, picking up the tail where she'd left off.
"Another chance to get all dressed up and get free food and booze," she says with a grimace, not looking forward to it, but deciding to make the best of it anyway.
"Sucks."
"Totally." She looks over at him as something occurs to her. "Hey, are you coming for dinner on Sunday? Mom's been asking for months now."
"Right, right, turn fucking right," Chin yells, grabbing hold of the steering wheel and yanking it hard to the right. Kono watches as they narrowly avoiding crashing into the car in front of them, and blows her hair out of her face, grabbing hold of the wheel and glaring at Chin.
"I saw that, you know," she says snippily, ignoring the way Chin collapses back in his seat and puts his face in his hands. "So Sunday?"
"I'll be there," Chin promises with a sigh. "But tell your mom to stop asking me about grandchildren. I already get that from my mom."
Kono rolls her eyes. "Good luck with that, 'cuz."
"Sucks," Chin says gloomily.
"Totally."
***
She dresses in a Versace rip-off that's a little more comfortable than the real thing and wears the Manolo Blahniks she blew half her paycheck on as a birthday present to herself. She takes a picture of herself and sends it to Danny just because she knows he'll boost her ego with his response. Two minutes later, she gets a text saying 'WOW' and smiles delightedly. He's so easy, but she kind of likes that about him.
The date lasts twenty minutes, from the drinks to the salad, and ends abruptly when he tells her that he wants children soon before his five-year plan comes to an end and would a June wedding be too soon?
She spends 50 minutes on the phone with Malia the next day, yelling at her for not vetting Kono's blind dates more thoroughly and vowing to never date anyone again. Malia just laughs until she cries and tries to choke out an apology in between Kono's horrified re-telling of the entire evening.
Kono vows to spend the rest of her life alone with a taser in her purse.
***
Tuesday
Her mother calls when she's on stakeout with Steve in the car. She tries to keep the conversation quiet, but Steve is really good at pretending he's not eavesdropping and her mother makes her crazy enough to yell out everything.
"I have a date for you," she starts without any preamble, greetings being the thing she reserves for guests and work colleagues. "You're going."
"Mom," Kono starts, and she has to stop when she realizes that she's talking in the same whiny voice she used when she was 15 and her mom told her to clean her room. She really hates how she always seems to revert to a bratty teenager when she talks to her mom on the phone.
"Kono," her mom says reasonably, and Kono is starting to get really tired of how reasonable her family gets when it comes to convincing her that they need to participate in her love life. "He's a nice guy."
"I'm tired of nice guys and bad dates and shellfish," Kono complains, looking over at Steve just as he finds the window endlessly fascinating. She really hopes he doesn't do that 'caring commander' thing where he asks her to talk about her feelings and her life; she's got friends and family for that. Steve can continue being the terse, warped jerk she's come to respect and sort of, maybe, kind of like; or at least not punch out at every opportunity. "It's a pain in the ass--
"Don't say 'ass'," her mother says automatically, and Kono has to resist the urge to remind her mom that she's an adult and has been saying 'ass' since she was 13.
"Can't we just skip the bad date for once?" she begs, trying really hard not to whine, although she doesn't think she's succeeded because beside her, Steve makes a strangled sound that's half-amusement and half-surprise. She's almost tempted to mail Danny that picture of their fearless leader asleep at his desk last evening, his face mashed into the desk with his hair pressed flat against his forehead, while the rest of the team was getting the surveillance in place, but she's saving that blackmail material for when she really needs it.
"I want grandchildren," her mother says baldly, and there's the sound of things clattering and excited voices in the background, which means that her mom is making lunch with her cousins. Kono thinks sadly of the cup of coffee and lackluster faux-pita thingy she had this morning and wishes she were home for a real meal right now. It would at least make this entire discussion easier to take if she had a plate of good food and a beer.
"I just want you to find someone who makes you happy and start a family with them," her mother says compellingly. And put like that, it all sounds so innocent and reasonable, Kono thinks, wondering how her mother can make her feel guilty with just a tone of voice. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, Mom," Kono sighs, slumping back in her seat, feeling doomed by this entire conversation before it had even really started. "I just don't get why you're going on about it now."
Her mother laughs, one of those loud barks of laughter that makes Kono jump at the suddenness of it. "This is not some parallel universe where you're getting any younger," she tells her dryly, and Kono can almost imagine the eyeroll that accompanied that statement.
"Mom!"
"Suspect," Steve reminds her, speaking for the first time. Kono can hear him trying not to laugh and she makes a mental note to call Chin to help her plan her revenge when she has some free time. Or maybe she just will send Danny that picture of Steve curled into his desk like he's trying to become one with it.
"Right," she tells her mother with a defeated tone, "when's the date?"
"Tomorrow at eight," her mother tells her warmly, and Kono wonders how she can love someone so much when all they do is make her so crazy. "Wear something--"
"Nice, I got it, Mom."
"I love you, Kono."
Kono smiles. "I love you too, Mom. Even when you drive me insane," she adds quietly after she hangs up the phone.
"Moms, huh?" Steve says blandly, not doing a very good job of hiding his interest in the whole discussion with the way he's looking at her like he can read her whole life story with just a glance.
She holds up her hand to curtail anything he has to say. "She's my mom, she's gone crazy with the idea of me having kids, it's a family thing, and I will shoot you if you say anything about it."
Steve holds up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Wasn't going to say anything." There's a moment of silence and then: "What are you going to wear?"
She glares at him, torn between being pissed that he's not ignoring this like he should and amused that he actually wants to talk clothing with her. "Seriously, I have a gun and I'm annoyed enough to forget you're my superior."
Steve's grinning, his hand against his mouth like he's trying to hide it lest it ruin his reputation as a humorless hardass. "Does this happen a lot?"
"All the time."
He gives her a sympathetic look. "Sucks."
"Totally," she sighs. "Look, are we done with the observation here?" She points at the suspect leaving the building in front of them. "Because my mom just made lunch and I'm starving."
He sends the pictures he's taken of the suspect to Chin, texting him a quick note to run facial recognition on all the people their suspect has met, and shoves his phone back in his coat pocket. "That depends," he shrugs casually. "Am I invited?"
She gives him a look that he conveniently ignores. "Seriously, you're inviting yourself to lunch at my mom's?"
Steve does this little pursed lip thing that means he's trying to hide a smile. "Was that a little too much?" he asks ruefully.
She makes a see-saw motion with her hand. "Felt like you rushed it a little," she smirks.
He holds his hand to his belly and tries to look pathetic and hungry. "Take pity on a starving man?" he begs, and she sighs and nods, thinking what the hell, at least she'll get a good lunch while her mom lectures her on the importance of family and being happy.
"Fine," she agrees grudgingly, "but you're telling my mom that we're not dating and trying to convince my cousins not to plan a winter wedding."
He makes a face. "Really?"
"Really."
"Wow."
"I know." She makes an impatient hand motion at him. "Drive, Jeeves."
***
Wednesday
She wears a slinky Anna Sui dress and her hot pink Alexander McQueens and sends the picture to Danny. He texts her something filthy and hilariously sweet when he sees a picture of her, and she seriously considers ditching her date and hanging out with him all evening. Then she remembers her mother and dismisses that plan in a hurry.
It ends with her having to leave in the middle of dinner because their suspect meets up with the crime syndicate boss and their case blows wide open. She apologizes and he says he understands and asks if he can call on her later, but she knows she's never going to hear from him again. She finds that men tend to get scared away when they are viscerally reminded that she's a cop, and watching her check the gun in her purse tends to act as a physical reminder.
"Oh, baby," Danny murmurs when she shows up at the meeting place, his eyes wide as he takes in all her evening finery. "Nice shoes."
"Focus, Danno," she scolds, ignoring the little leap her heart makes when he smiles appreciatively at her. She has enough to worry about having to explain to her mom that she had to ditch her date for police work.
She's maybe a little more rough than she has to be when they finally cuff the suspect and shove him in the squad car, but dammit, her mom's going to interrogate her about her date, and police work will just not cut it as an excuse for not going through with the entire evening. She slams the guy's head into the front seat when he tries to shove his way out of the car and feels a little better when he sits docilely in the back on their way to the station.
She understands Steve a little better now and wonders if she should see the department shrink.
***
Thursday
Black Hervé Léger and red Jimmy Choo peep-toe pumps. Her aunt has set her up with a nice man who teaches math to second graders, and Kono feels confident that this date won't end in tears or a shootout. She hopes at least. Chin has promised to keep Steve busy enough that she'll get an evening off for once.
Danny sends her a ':O' face in response to the picture she sends him and she likes to think that she'd rendered him speechless with this outfit.
The date actually goes well. He's really sweet and makes her laugh a lot, she talks about being in the HPD and he doesn't run away screaming, and they even go out for coffee after dinner because they're having such a good time.
So of course they have absolutely no sexual chemistry together because that's how her life goes these days. Kono feels nothing when he leans in and kisses her good night, not even a skipped heartbeat, but she figures that at least it didn't end in disaster and arrests like her dates usually do. It's something to celebrate.
'Date?' Danny texts her the next morning while she's drinking o.j. and debating between toast or becoming a cop cliché and grabbing some malasadas on her way to work.
'Good. But like kissing my brother,' she texts back, reflecting that her dating life seems to be a pastiche of terrible sitcom plots and humiliating pratfalls. If her life were actually a TV show, she'd be savaged by the critics for being so clichéd and canceled within three episodes of the pilot airing.
'Sucks,' Danny texts with his usual sympathy. 'Wear something nice when u come 2 work. ;)'
She laughs and thinks that really only Danny can say this shit to her in text-speak without her wanting to hit him somewhere vulnerable. 'Blow me, Williams.'
'Stop sexually harassing me, Ka-- Kalu-- how do u spell ur last name again?'
She turns off her phone and gets dressed for work, smiling the whole time and berating herself for being charmed by a man who actually gets headaches from all the rage he carries around with him at all times. She's been seriously considering putting Xanax in his coffee just so he won't have a coronary in the middle of bitching Steve out. If only to save them all the ensuing paperwork, she tells herself as she gets dressed and straps her holster onto her shoulder, not really believing her own lies either.
She doesn't dress up for him at work, but when they have to go undercover for another case, she slips on a pair of silver Roberto Cavalli sandals and lets him put his arm around her waist as they wait at the bar for Interpol's most wanted thief. He gently runs his thumb along the edge of her shoulder, she leans back in his arms, and they just enjoy each other's company for a few minutes.
Later, she tells her mom that she went on a real date and had a good time. She doesn't feel all that bad about lying, mainly because of the way Danny looks at her during the sting operation, like he's thought in great detail about what she'd taste like and is desperate to find out.
So she takes him home and lets him find out. She's late for work the next day, but she can't stop smiling, and Danny's mellow for the rest of their shift. Steve makes pointed comments about pod people, Chin looks like he knows what's going on but really wishes he didn't, and Danny just smiles and drinks his coffee without making any comments about how coffee is better back in Jersey because it's just coffee-flavored coffee, not pineapple-flavored crap.
Yeah, she's good.
***
Friday
Kono's phone rings in the middle of a team meeting, which she resolutely ignores because she knows exactly who's calling her and she is not giving in this time. It rings exactly twice before Steve eyeballs her like she's a suspect and asks, "Are you gonna get that?"
"No," she says flatly and makes a carry-on gesture that he ignores.
"Kono--"
Chin looks at him and subtly shakes his head. Steve raises an eyebrow at him and Chin moves his hand in a certain manner that seems to satisfy Steve's unspoken question because he shrugs and continues on with updating them on the case details. Kono's phone eventually stops ringing as the call goes into voicemail and she can see the line of Steve's shoulders relax a little.
Frowning, Danny leans into her, his eyes still on Steve like he's witnessed something he can't understand. "What just happened?" he asks sotto voce while Steve brings up a few unknown faces on the display console and starts listing off their rap sheets.
"The whole conversation without words thing?" she asks softly, repressing a smile when Danny nods vigorously. "Creepy, isn't it? They do that sometimes."
"How-- why?" Danny's moving his hands again like he's doing pantomime, which continually fascinates Kono. She's never met anyone before who talks as much with his hands as he does and his square, blunt fingers seem to always serve to punctuate the emotionality of his point.
"Secret ritual," she says deadpan, checking her phone discreetly when she hears it vibrate, indicating she has a text message. 'Answr ur fone, dammit!' pops up, which means she can safely ignore it one more time. "Only ex-boyfriends can do it."
"Seriously?" Danny yells, bringing the meeting to a halt. Chin manages to look only vaguely curious while Steve gives Danny the hairy eyeball for interrupting him in the middle of his recitation, so Danny holds up his hand in apology. "Sorry, sorry." He makes a generous continue-on motion that makes Steve roll his eyes before he turns back to their bad guys of the week. "Seriously?" he asks in a lower voice. "They're exes?"
She's about to roll her eyes and then she realizes that for all intents and purposes, Danny's new to the Steve/Chin drama that's been going on since she was about twelve, and thus, has no fucking idea about them. "I'll tell you about it later, okay?" she murmurs as quietly as she can, noticing that Steve is looking at them with a stern expression of disapproval on his face.
"We'll get a beer," he mutters, moving his mouth just enough for her to hear the words, but not enough for Steve to see them move. It's a ventriloquist act with no dummy, and she has to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing out loud at that thought. Danny just wouldn't appreciate the genius of it.
"I'll wear those shoes you like," she promises in a whisper, texting back 'On the job' to her cousin, Leilani, and hoping that'll give her enough breathing room for a few hours.
Danny slouches further in his chair, his eyes ostensibly on the virtual screen in front of them, but all his attention actually focused on Kono's legs. "Those black heels with the red bottoms?"
She smiles and nods silently, biting back a laugh when he lets out a soft groan that she guesses means approval. "Lunch at my place?" she asks under her breath, nodding at whatever Steve says, his tone indicating that he's wrapping up the meeting.
"Fuck, yeah," Danny breathes fervently as he gets out of his chair and starts to head out after Steve. "I'll bring lunch, you just bring yourself."
"Oh, the jokes I could make, Danno," she teases, her breath catching in her throat when he turns and looks at her hotly, promising her everything with just his eyes.
"Hold that thought," he tells her quickly, turning and yelling, "Keep your goddamn panties on, McGarrett, I said I was coming" at Steve who's waving him on impatiently. "Wear the shoes," he tells her as he leaves.
"Fetishist."
He grins and blows her a kiss. "I just like the way they make your ass look, princess." And then he's out the door, yelling about Steve's lack of manners and impatience loudly enough that the whole station can hear him.
"Sunday is going to be interesting," Chin says quietly, coming up behind her so quietly that she jumps and curses him once she remembers how to breathe again. You'd think she'd be used to it by now, growing up around the guy, but his silence still takes her by surprise now and again.
She shakes her head. "I'm not bringing him home to Mom. She'd be asking him about grandchildren and when he's going to be making more with me, and I don't want to scare him off before I've had a chance to enjoy myself."
Chin thinks about that. "So what you're saying is that I can't shoot him for what he's doing with you?" he asks cautiously.
She turns and gives him a dirty look. "Which speech do you want, 'cuz? The 'I can take care of myself' speech or the 'I will bust your ass to your mom about you and Steve if you threaten Danno' speech?"
Chin makes a pained face, like Kono has struck him a low blow and he's very disappointed in her. "Don't mention Steve to her, okay?" he begs. "She still hasn't forgiven him for what happened in high school."
"God, your family can hold grudges," she sighs and holds out her hand to him. "Let's deal: you don't kill my potential boyfriend and I won't tell your mom that you're sleeping with your ex again."
"Deal. To poor life choices," Chin says wryly, shaking her hand.
She laughs. "And all the fun we have making them."
She's already planning on buying a pair of scarlet Valentino leather platform pumps just to see how Danny will react. It's probably going to end up with her on top of him, naked except for her shoes while he finds religion and tries to put his head through her wall again. She's probably going to end up being blamed for his burgeoning shoe fetish, but since she's discovered that she really has a thing for leading him around by his stupid, completely unnecessary, but somehow appealing tie, she figures they're even.
She'll even think about taking him home to meet Mom later, maybe, possibly after she runs out of ways to get him naked and loud. That might be worth the ensuing interrogation just to see her mom and Danny size each other up like gunslingers at high noon while she and her cousins get drunk and lay bets on who will win. She's going with her mom; she's tiny but fierce, and while Danny's the same way, her mom has the added benefit of bringing up two kids, plus a lot of nieces, nephews, cousins, great-cousins, and a random assortment of extended family. Danny doesn't stand a chance.
In the meantime, she's got police work to do and a lunchtime seduction to plan. At least she's got the dating thing all figured out.
And now for the post-Thanksgiving clean-up. I have never cleaned so much in my life, and we've moved quite a few times in my life. Ugh. I may need a nap after.