Here we go again.
So, this makes my fifth LJ in several years. I hate going back to all the old ones because they remind me how young and annoying I was. Here is to hoping that I am now tolerable.
Today I inhaled far to must dust. I spent the majority of my day sanding and painting some clay beads. At this point I am sure that I have far to many hobbies. It is good for me to keep busy, but I can't help but feeling like it is just a waste of my time (though I have nothing better to do). I've spent the last year or so trying to get my little business of the ground, but it isn't really going any where. I feel contented with the amount of progress I've made, sure. And hell, I love all the compliments I get... but I love money more. Not that I'm that materialistic (though we all are to some degree and don't you dare argue), I just have a whole lot of debt.
I'm really looking forward to school and I'm really nervous at the same time. I can't wait to actually study and take notes and stuff again. The problem is, though, that I mostly hate everyone. I'm not really sure why that is. I guess it's because I don't really trust anyone. After all the shit I've gone though with people it's really hard. I've obviously been hanging around with the wrong kind of people, but since this city is so small I don't know where to find the right kind.
All of the people I considered to be my close friends in high school have drifted away from me. This is probably mostly my fault. The scariest thing about that, though, is the fact that they all are now close friends with my ex boyfriends friends. It's a huge mindfuck for these groups of people from two different parts of my life to just blend in together like this. I'm a constantly changing person so two each of these two groups I'm someone different. Everyone knows everyone around here, and I'd really love to meet some people who don't have any preconceived opinions of me.
On the other hand sometimes I really miss these people, and especially my ex boyfriend. I feel kind of guilty about that as he is a huge asshole, but I can't change the way I feel (I sure has hell have tried). I am not really sure yet if this means I'm not ready to move on. I know I sure as hell am lonely. Not so much lately because I'm home with my family again, but when I lived in the city it was hard times. I know what I want in a relationship, that's for sure. I'm just fairly certain such a person does not exist.
I'm at a point in my life where I know exactly what I want in ever aspect and that excites me. I just wish that people (mostly my aunt) would understand this and stop trying to live vicariously through me. I have the next five years of my life planned out, but since that isn't what she would do if she were me, it's not acceptable, I suppose.
Today I inhaled far to must dust. I spent the majority of my day sanding and painting some clay beads. At this point I am sure that I have far to many hobbies. It is good for me to keep busy, but I can't help but feeling like it is just a waste of my time (though I have nothing better to do). I've spent the last year or so trying to get my little business of the ground, but it isn't really going any where. I feel contented with the amount of progress I've made, sure. And hell, I love all the compliments I get... but I love money more. Not that I'm that materialistic (though we all are to some degree and don't you dare argue), I just have a whole lot of debt.
I'm really looking forward to school and I'm really nervous at the same time. I can't wait to actually study and take notes and stuff again. The problem is, though, that I mostly hate everyone. I'm not really sure why that is. I guess it's because I don't really trust anyone. After all the shit I've gone though with people it's really hard. I've obviously been hanging around with the wrong kind of people, but since this city is so small I don't know where to find the right kind.
All of the people I considered to be my close friends in high school have drifted away from me. This is probably mostly my fault. The scariest thing about that, though, is the fact that they all are now close friends with my ex boyfriends friends. It's a huge mindfuck for these groups of people from two different parts of my life to just blend in together like this. I'm a constantly changing person so two each of these two groups I'm someone different. Everyone knows everyone around here, and I'd really love to meet some people who don't have any preconceived opinions of me.
On the other hand sometimes I really miss these people, and especially my ex boyfriend. I feel kind of guilty about that as he is a huge asshole, but I can't change the way I feel (I sure has hell have tried). I am not really sure yet if this means I'm not ready to move on. I know I sure as hell am lonely. Not so much lately because I'm home with my family again, but when I lived in the city it was hard times. I know what I want in a relationship, that's for sure. I'm just fairly certain such a person does not exist.
I'm at a point in my life where I know exactly what I want in ever aspect and that excites me. I just wish that people (mostly my aunt) would understand this and stop trying to live vicariously through me. I have the next five years of my life planned out, but since that isn't what she would do if she were me, it's not acceptable, I suppose.