Realization.
I've come to this idea about myself. I'm not ever happy with anything in my life because it's never what I want. Here are a few examples:
*Stayed in Louisiana because my parents wanted me to go to school here.
-I wanted to go to school out of state.
*Tax Return is always done with what my dad wants.
-I want it to help me live and pay for bills.
*Living in California.
-I want to live in New York.
There's so much more but it just makes me sad to think about the reasons why I do what I do. I do everything to please everyone else and in the end, it leaves me broken hearted. The things I do want and know for a fact I want, I never can achieve. There's so many reasons why I don't just do the things I want. I'm coming to find out more and more about myself as time goes on. It's right what they say about yourself. The older you get, the wiser. Yet, you look at yourself from like above yourself and wonder "what the fuck are you doing? Why are you not doing what you want?"
If there was anything that I want more in life, it's to be happy and I finally see why I'm not happy. I'm not doing what I want. I'm afraid though that if I leave, I'll just see that home is where I'm suppose to be, but in a sense, I know this isn't what I'm made for. I felt this strong feeling that I've never felt anywheres else in the world that I felt in New York. It's my dream. To live there.
It's amazing how the things we want, can make us utterly depressed. All my life I wanted tons of friends and you know, I have the world in my hands. I have the biggest variety of friends from California to New York to the United Kingdom to Russia, yet I still feel like I'm alone. It's like that song Mr. Jones by Counting Crows..."when everybody loves you, you can never be alone"....and just like my psychology teacher in high school told me, "Erika, you're never alone with the spirits of your friends", but why do I feel so fucking alone? Shamefully, I can answer that. I don't go out much. I stay locked away in my room and locked away in my house because for some reason, I feel so out of place when I do go out. I feel like everyone around me is having a blast and looking at me like "why the fuck is she here?" Maybe I just think too much and overlook situations that aren't even realistic. I really hate going out..to places I don't belong.
However, maybe I feel alone because I feel like I lost alot in my life after high school. I feel like I lost connection with people, but I know that I'm not the only one that it has happened to. That's life. You lose connections with people and you gain new ones. Sometimes you gain better and you lose less than what you do gain.
I hate thinking about my best friend leaving me, but I know in my heart, you let the things you love go and watch them become greater. Marissa, I don't say it enough but I love you. You're honestly the closest thing I've had to a sister that I could tell the world to. We'll never say goodbye. I promise you that. I never say goodbye to the people I know will never leave my life. You will always have me here.
I just try not to be wrong about myself because I only want to achieve living. By living, I mean exploration. Adventure. Risk. Pain. and most importantly, Happiness. I'm only trying to obtain happiness from all of this. That's it. I didn't realize it would be this hard. or do I make it hard?
*Stayed in Louisiana because my parents wanted me to go to school here.
-I wanted to go to school out of state.
*Tax Return is always done with what my dad wants.
-I want it to help me live and pay for bills.
*Living in California.
-I want to live in New York.
There's so much more but it just makes me sad to think about the reasons why I do what I do. I do everything to please everyone else and in the end, it leaves me broken hearted. The things I do want and know for a fact I want, I never can achieve. There's so many reasons why I don't just do the things I want. I'm coming to find out more and more about myself as time goes on. It's right what they say about yourself. The older you get, the wiser. Yet, you look at yourself from like above yourself and wonder "what the fuck are you doing? Why are you not doing what you want?"
If there was anything that I want more in life, it's to be happy and I finally see why I'm not happy. I'm not doing what I want. I'm afraid though that if I leave, I'll just see that home is where I'm suppose to be, but in a sense, I know this isn't what I'm made for. I felt this strong feeling that I've never felt anywheres else in the world that I felt in New York. It's my dream. To live there.
It's amazing how the things we want, can make us utterly depressed. All my life I wanted tons of friends and you know, I have the world in my hands. I have the biggest variety of friends from California to New York to the United Kingdom to Russia, yet I still feel like I'm alone. It's like that song Mr. Jones by Counting Crows..."when everybody loves you, you can never be alone"....and just like my psychology teacher in high school told me, "Erika, you're never alone with the spirits of your friends", but why do I feel so fucking alone? Shamefully, I can answer that. I don't go out much. I stay locked away in my room and locked away in my house because for some reason, I feel so out of place when I do go out. I feel like everyone around me is having a blast and looking at me like "why the fuck is she here?" Maybe I just think too much and overlook situations that aren't even realistic. I really hate going out..to places I don't belong.
However, maybe I feel alone because I feel like I lost alot in my life after high school. I feel like I lost connection with people, but I know that I'm not the only one that it has happened to. That's life. You lose connections with people and you gain new ones. Sometimes you gain better and you lose less than what you do gain.
I hate thinking about my best friend leaving me, but I know in my heart, you let the things you love go and watch them become greater. Marissa, I don't say it enough but I love you. You're honestly the closest thing I've had to a sister that I could tell the world to. We'll never say goodbye. I promise you that. I never say goodbye to the people I know will never leave my life. You will always have me here.
I just try not to be wrong about myself because I only want to achieve living. By living, I mean exploration. Adventure. Risk. Pain. and most importantly, Happiness. I'm only trying to obtain happiness from all of this. That's it. I didn't realize it would be this hard. or do I make it hard?