Be Not Proud

[roadriverrail]

An LJ friend recently compiled a list of the various things he's been proud of doing or being a part of, and I thought it was a neat idea, so I tried doing one for myself. I had the interesting result of realizing, yet again, that I have a very hard time taking pride in my achievements, and that when I made my own list, I wasn't actually making a

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[roadriverrail]

I mean this in a very analytic context, which is to say I am hoping you won't take this personally. I actually have a hard time imagining you feeling anger, resentment, and sadness over pretty much anything you've done. It might just be the way I read your LJ, because that is our primary mode of communication, but I have a hard time imagining you not viewing your past with anything other than satisfaction, contentment, and pride. LJ is funny that way-- who you look like to others is based on what you opt to write about rather than your total emotional state.

Yeah. And you have to wonder - how many of those "aha moments" may just have changed someone's life or career.

See, I don't wonder about this, and this, I think, is part of this whole psychology of having a hard time feeling pride. For the most part, I can't know if this happened, so I don't wonder about it. To even wonder about it feels like I'm exaggerating my position in the universe.

This sort of introspection has been interesting indeed. Thank you for commenting on my post, and diving into it yourself.

Well, if nothing else, it's helped me find some of the criteria that I've expected to meet before I can feel proud. Hopefully, if I can learn to see those criteria differently, then I might be a somewhat rosier person to be around.

But it's interesting looking over this, because you can see the pattern. I don't feel proud when I do something others expect me to do. I don't feel proud when I do something I know is right. I don't feel proud when the task didn't represent significant effort to me. I generally don't feel proud if I believe that any other person, given exposure to the right materials, could do it just as well. I don't feel proud when I believe that I could have done much better but made a mistake.

It makes for a pretty tall order.

[radven]

I actually have a hard time imagining you feeling anger, resentment, and sadness over pretty much anything you've done. It might just be the way I read your LJ, because that is our primary mode of communication, but I have a hard time imagining you not viewing your past with anything other than satisfaction, contentment, and pride. LJ is funny that way-- who you look like to others is based on what you opt to write about rather than your total emotional state.

Hmmm.... The things I do feel the most resentment and frustration over, I tend not to process about - particularly (semi)-publicly. I get very little out of commiseration, and I usually grow tired of trying to explain the nuances of "what might have been." People tend to either offer empty-feeling condolences, or they offer reasons why my visions of a certain possibility were unrealistic to begin with.

So for my LJ audience in particular - I rarely share any negative emotions. And I rarely dwell on them within myself. They can be paralyzing.

But... Gads do I have some deep reserves of resentment and frustration. That actually is the primary fuel for me not wanting to go back to a "regular job"... Rendition, Eazel, Palm - all for the most part were stories of fighting uphill against impossible odds, winning many battles, and then losing the war in the end.

I really don't think I can bring myself to do that again.

See, I don't wonder about this, and this, I think, is part of this whole psychology of having a hard time feeling pride. For the most part, I can't know if this happened, so I don't wonder about it. To even wonder about it feels like I'm exaggerating my position in the universe.

I've always tried to cultivate the idea of "being the most important person in the whole wide world", while at the same time being in touch with the humility of being just a spec of dust no more significant than any other.

It is an interesting mental space to dwell.

[roadriverrail]

I've always tried to cultivate the idea of "being the most important person in the whole wide world", while at the same time being in touch with the humility of being just a spec of dust no more significant than any other.

See, I couldn't even begin to presume myself the former. A lot of it, as I mention in my post, has to do with having been smacked down or getting my wings clipped most of the time that I've felt I wasn't getting my due. I've kinda come to the point where I don't even think placing a value on myself is for me to do. Much like a good can only be valued at the price someone will pay for it, I peg my self-value largely at what others are willing to invest in me.

In fact, on the rare times when I think I'm worth more than what others are investing in me, I don't stand up for myself. I just try to find something better and leave. That's what i did when I left for grad school, and it's what I'm doing now that my MS is basically assured and I can tell my profs that I don't think they're giving me enough attention. The latter is a rare moment of sticking up for myself, but in reality, it's because I have one foot out the door but would rather stay.

So for my LJ audience in particular - I rarely share any negative emotions. And I rarely dwell on them within myself. They can be paralyzing.

Interesting. I guess I consider the negative to be a rather default state of things, and to be expected in an uncaring universe, so the only time I don't talk about these things is when doing so would represent a conflict of interests. That's most of the time. Often, if I'm expressing negative emotions, I'm on the path to a major decision and thus not paralyzed.

Thanks for sharing your perspective.