Comments | roadriverrail: Be Not Proud

roadriverrail

Be Not Proud

Jun 19, 2008 16:51

An LJ friend recently compiled a list of the various things he's been proud of doing or being a part of, and I thought it was a neat idea, so I tried doing one for myself. I had the interesting result of realizing, yet again, that I have a very hard time taking pride in my achievements, and that when I made my own list, I wasn't actually making a ( Read more... )

ponder ponder ponder, pride

Comments 12

princess_lesa June 20 2008, 01:44:10 UTC

Wow. That list took some work.

I like the last point the best. A good second half can make all the difference in the world.

radven June 20 2008, 03:24:08 UTC

Wow, thanks for sharing.

And I do have to say - I am feeling some small pride feelings for having triggered this post. There is something satisfying about seeing a ripple happen. So much energy expended feels like is dissipates and ends up meaningless. It feels good to see things echo outward.

"Having had the opportunity to give the "aha moment" to a few dozen people is one of the moments in my life that I can truly say I'm proud of."

Yeah. And you have to wonder - how many of those "aha moments" may just have changed someone's life or career.

"So, while I'm proud of what I did, I basically contributed to a product that collects dust on storeroom shelves. The amount of burnout and sacrifice I've given to the project has seriously buffed the shine off of it. "Way too much of my professional life feels this way. And I actually end up with a feeling of pride mixed with anger, resentment, and sadness when I look back on certain things. Particularly the PalmSource Installer and all that it could have been.... I have doubts ( ... )

roadriverrail June 20 2008, 15:08:45 UTC

I mean this in a very analytic context, which is to say I am hoping you won't take this personally. I actually have a hard time imagining you feeling anger, resentment, and sadness over pretty much anything you've done. It might just be the way I read your LJ, because that is our primary mode of communication, but I have a hard time imagining you not viewing your past with anything other than satisfaction, contentment, and pride. LJ is funny that way-- who you look like to others is based on what you opt to write about rather than your total emotional state.

Yeah. And you have to wonder - how many of those "aha moments" may just have changed someone's life or career.

See, I don't wonder about this, and this, I think, is part of this whole psychology of having a hard time feeling pride. For the most part, I can't know if this happened, so I don't wonder about it. To even wonder about it feels like I'm exaggerating my position in the universe.

This sort of introspection has been interesting indeed. Thank you for commenting on my ( ... )

radven June 26 2008, 15:31:15 UTC

I actually have a hard time imagining you feeling anger, resentment, and sadness over pretty much anything you've done. It might just be the way I read your LJ, because that is our primary mode of communication, but I have a hard time imagining you not viewing your past with anything other than satisfaction, contentment, and pride. LJ is funny that way-- who you look like to others is based on what you opt to write about rather than your total emotional state.Hmmm.... The things I do feel the most resentment and frustration over, I tend not to process about - particularly (semi)-publicly. I get very little out of commiseration, and I usually grow tired of trying to explain the nuances of "what might have been." People tend to either offer empty-feeling condolences, or they offer reasons why my visions of a certain possibility were unrealistic to begin with ( ... )

roadriverrail June 26 2008, 15:47:34 UTC

I've always tried to cultivate the idea of "being the most important person in the whole wide world", while at the same time being in touch with the humility of being just a spec of dust no more significant than any other.See, I couldn't even begin to presume myself the former. A lot of it, as I mention in my post, has to do with having been smacked down or getting my wings clipped most of the time that I've felt I wasn't getting my due. I've kinda come to the point where I don't even think placing a value on myself is for me to do. Much like a good can only be valued at the price someone will pay for it, I peg my self-value largely at what others are willing to invest in me ( ... )

nancyblue June 20 2008, 11:21:52 UTC

And I, too, am proud of our partnership, and proud to have you as my husband. Being in this place with these people after 8 years puts that even more forward in my mind ( ... )

roadriverrail June 20 2008, 15:11:52 UTC

I do think that you (and I) could be more happy when we look at our achievements.

We do suffer from a common malady in that respect. We both have a very hard time being happy with what we've got.

And I am most proud of who you are and what you stand for, not what you do.

That's very sweet, but you also know the former implies the latter. What I stand for compels me to do what I do, and to then do more even when I don't think things went right.

When are you coming home, again? :P

kahluagal June 20 2008, 16:46:21 UTC

Aw, you guys are sweet ( ... )

lizzyborden711 June 20 2008, 18:26:20 UTC

i hope you aren't the only person to have loved being a TA because i've had so many that have helped me, and two that really affected me, as much if not more than the teacher of the course did. one was a very sweet girl at FAU that convinced me i was suited to accounting as a major and made me confident in my ability in class. the other was a guy in gainesville, who TA'd two of my religion classes, and even with limited face time, just inspired me so much. he had hiked the appalachian trail, travelled with the peace corp, and just was damn cool. and i was insanely attracted to him lol

i think its interesting how things you're proud of at the time lose their shine over time, but perhaps thats just how it is so that you keep creating new and better, instead of just remembering what was great in the past.

fitfool June 24 2008, 22:40:43 UTC

a) you're younger than me?
b) And you've accomplished so much already?
I think a lot of the pride stuff is tied to what our expectations are. At least for me, I have a similar disconnect with my academic/professional work. I've done some great work and yet I don't take much pride in it because I had had such grandiose ideas of what my amazing intellect would some day produce. Meanwhile, coming from a background where I had quit track my freshman year of high school (just 2 weeks before the season ended!) because I was tired of coming in dead last every meet, every single time I work out, even if it's just for 10 minutes, I feel a thrill of accomplishment. Even on days when I'm disappointed that I cut my run short because I was feeling tired or injured or just plain lazy, I'm still partially pleased that I ran as far as I did that day.

roadriverrail June 26 2008, 16:04:13 UTC

a) Holy crap! You're older than me?! Seriously. I figured you were in your early 20s.

b) See, it's interesting you call this "so much". I consider it "very little".

Besides that, looking over your LJ userinfo, it's clear you've already done a great work. If I'd gone through some of the things you've gone through, I don't think I'd have nearly as much to show for myself.

fitfool July 2 2008, 03:07:27 UTC

huh. Why is it that some people who get a bunch of stuff done tend to downplay their own accomplishments while others who have no particular skill or likable personality run around thinking way more highly of themselves than reality would seem to warrant? Tack on another decade to how old you thought I was.