No Means No
So, I thought long and hard about whether or not I would make this post private. I finally decided not to, because I think its something that everyone needs to read about. I really wish I was more eloquent, but I'm not, so my rambling post is what you guys are going to get.
Possible trigger warning: stalking
I've recently started a second part time job at my college to make more money in the summers when I don't work my regular job. This new part time job is just a student entry level job. I work at the front desk of Tutoring Services, basically as a secretary/customer service type thing. I officially started May 26th.
About four weeks after I started, as I was leaving work I was approached by a student who receives tutoring, a Middle Eastern man. He told me he thought I was very beautiful. I was flattered. And then he said he couldn't stop thinking about me since he first saw me. At this point, the only interaction we'd had was when he arrived for his appointment with his tutor and I greeted him before getting his tutor. Anyway. He asks if I'm married. I tell him no. He asks to meet my parents, and if that weren't possible, maybe an older brother. I thought it was a little unnerving, but I attributed his questions to him being from a different culture. I told him that wasn't very appropriate. He asked if we could spend some time together, and he wanted my personal information, such as my email and phone number. I told him no. I was able to leave by telling him my bus had arrived.
At first, I wasn't really concerned. He was a little strange, but it was probably a culture gap or something. Two weeks later, I'm getting off work again. I see him out of the corner of my eye. I start walking faster because I really didn't want to talk to him because it was so exhausting the first time, and I didn't want to deflect inquiries about my personal life. He followed me out of the building and through the parking lot. I had to retreat inside of a second building, was able to lose him in the hallways, and then hid in the bathroom.
When I got home, I berated myself. I should've confronted him, told him no, and that he made me uncomfortable. But the asshole fucking followed me, and I don't care how much of a ninny that makes me sound, it fucking scared me. I don't give a damn that it was in broad daylight. I was scared, no one was around for me to ask for help, and a strange man had followed me partially across campus. I had already indicated that I wasn't interested. I told him so the first time. When you see someone rapidly walking away from you, that is not an invitation for you to follow them or for you to try to catch up. That is them telling you to leave them the fuck alone, and he didn't respect that or my previous words.
I reported him the next day. And you know what, at first, that was scary too. Because I was afraid the college's public safety was going to laugh at me, or think I was blowing it out of proportion, or maybe even tell me they couldn't do anything about it. I had only exchanged words with him twice, and only one of those times did he ask me about my personal info, and he had only followed me once. Hardly criminal activity. Someone might argue that he followed me because he wanted to apologize.
Luckily for me, that wasn't the case. They took a statement, they were really understanding, and told me they would contact him and tell him to leave me alone. I was told that if he did anything like his again, it'd be considered stalking, and they could take things to the next level (whatever that means). And it made me feel relieved. I had people who knew about this, and were looking out for me. My coworkers have been great about it. They're all on the look out, and they didn't mind if I took my lunch at strange times to avoid seeing him at work, or if I had to leave five minutes early. It really reinforced what I already knew, that my coworkers are a bunch of awesome people.
Wednesday, I happen to get off my shift the same time the man leaves from his appointment. A coworker that day had felt bad for me, since I take the bus and the weather was bad, so she offered to take me home. So instead of rushing for my bus, I was taking my time logging out of the computer and clearing up my things. And then we noticed something. The man was loitering around the lobby, waiting at the elevators. My nerves were already a little jumpy just from knowing he was in the vicinity, but watching him and knowing in my gut that he was waiting for me sent them into overdrive. The fucker waited for me to leave for fifteen fucking minutes. And he fucking looked at me and I fucking knew he was waiting for me. And feeling again like a coward, I called for a police escort. They arrived after the man had left and we didn't see him on the way out. They walked my coworker and I out to her vehicle. My schedule has been changed so I leave before he has his appointment, so I don't have to see him.
I fucking hate this shit. I'm scheduling my work around this asshole. I'm worried if he'll follow me again after I leave work. And the worst part is he hasn't fucking done anything. I'm a grown ass woman, I should be able to confront him and tell him no. But I did, and he ignored it. And now I wonder if he'll follow me to and from my classes this fall, or if he'll corner me somewhere while I'm on campus. And maybe that time, I'll say no, and he'll ignore it again, and I'll get hurt. It fucking pisses me off but I'm also scared. I feel like I'm living in some kind of stupid fucking LMN movie and I hate that too because I hate how the women act on those shows.
So I guess this is a public service announcement. People, it doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl, if someone is harassing you, TELL SOMEONE. Your coworkers, your family, your friends, even better, the police. Even if they can't do anything, they can at least file it so its on record if it does escalate. And don't be afraid to say no. Its okay if you don't want to talk to someone. There's nothing wrong, its your right. It's your right to speak up.
If you're interested in someone and they tell you no, that DOES NOT mean come back later. It means NO. Don't be pushy. Don't corner them. If you have something to say, say it in front of their friends where they can feel safer. Otherwise, all you'll do is make them uncomfortable. If they still say no, its time to drop it. They're just not interested, and they might not ever be interested, and if you keep nagging, you'll turn into a stalker. And that's not cool.
I'd always thought that it wasn't that hard to report something. Its common sense. And at first I laughed about this and joked with my friends, and tried to be tough. But I'm scared. I worry about it whenever I come to campus. This asshole has taken my enjoyable job, and made me scared to go. I love my college, and he's made me scared to show up. And I hate that. And I hate myself for being scared. But if I let myself get mired in this knot of negative feelings, then he just controls everything, and eventually it'll blow up in my face.
So today when I'm done with work, I'm going back to public safety to report him again. And each time he shows up and bothers me, I'll keep telling people. Because if I don't, no one will know, and no one will be able to help and support me. And it doesn't mean I'm weak, and I am not paranoid for being scared and nervous and uncomfortable around someone who hasn't laid a finger on me. Because he has shown all the signs that if he gets the chance, he will put his hands on me and he won't stop when I say no.
Comments are screened so everyone can stay nice and anonymous, because believe me, I know now how hard it can be to speak up.
Possible trigger warning: stalking
I've recently started a second part time job at my college to make more money in the summers when I don't work my regular job. This new part time job is just a student entry level job. I work at the front desk of Tutoring Services, basically as a secretary/customer service type thing. I officially started May 26th.
About four weeks after I started, as I was leaving work I was approached by a student who receives tutoring, a Middle Eastern man. He told me he thought I was very beautiful. I was flattered. And then he said he couldn't stop thinking about me since he first saw me. At this point, the only interaction we'd had was when he arrived for his appointment with his tutor and I greeted him before getting his tutor. Anyway. He asks if I'm married. I tell him no. He asks to meet my parents, and if that weren't possible, maybe an older brother. I thought it was a little unnerving, but I attributed his questions to him being from a different culture. I told him that wasn't very appropriate. He asked if we could spend some time together, and he wanted my personal information, such as my email and phone number. I told him no. I was able to leave by telling him my bus had arrived.
At first, I wasn't really concerned. He was a little strange, but it was probably a culture gap or something. Two weeks later, I'm getting off work again. I see him out of the corner of my eye. I start walking faster because I really didn't want to talk to him because it was so exhausting the first time, and I didn't want to deflect inquiries about my personal life. He followed me out of the building and through the parking lot. I had to retreat inside of a second building, was able to lose him in the hallways, and then hid in the bathroom.
When I got home, I berated myself. I should've confronted him, told him no, and that he made me uncomfortable. But the asshole fucking followed me, and I don't care how much of a ninny that makes me sound, it fucking scared me. I don't give a damn that it was in broad daylight. I was scared, no one was around for me to ask for help, and a strange man had followed me partially across campus. I had already indicated that I wasn't interested. I told him so the first time. When you see someone rapidly walking away from you, that is not an invitation for you to follow them or for you to try to catch up. That is them telling you to leave them the fuck alone, and he didn't respect that or my previous words.
I reported him the next day. And you know what, at first, that was scary too. Because I was afraid the college's public safety was going to laugh at me, or think I was blowing it out of proportion, or maybe even tell me they couldn't do anything about it. I had only exchanged words with him twice, and only one of those times did he ask me about my personal info, and he had only followed me once. Hardly criminal activity. Someone might argue that he followed me because he wanted to apologize.
Luckily for me, that wasn't the case. They took a statement, they were really understanding, and told me they would contact him and tell him to leave me alone. I was told that if he did anything like his again, it'd be considered stalking, and they could take things to the next level (whatever that means). And it made me feel relieved. I had people who knew about this, and were looking out for me. My coworkers have been great about it. They're all on the look out, and they didn't mind if I took my lunch at strange times to avoid seeing him at work, or if I had to leave five minutes early. It really reinforced what I already knew, that my coworkers are a bunch of awesome people.
Wednesday, I happen to get off my shift the same time the man leaves from his appointment. A coworker that day had felt bad for me, since I take the bus and the weather was bad, so she offered to take me home. So instead of rushing for my bus, I was taking my time logging out of the computer and clearing up my things. And then we noticed something. The man was loitering around the lobby, waiting at the elevators. My nerves were already a little jumpy just from knowing he was in the vicinity, but watching him and knowing in my gut that he was waiting for me sent them into overdrive. The fucker waited for me to leave for fifteen fucking minutes. And he fucking looked at me and I fucking knew he was waiting for me. And feeling again like a coward, I called for a police escort. They arrived after the man had left and we didn't see him on the way out. They walked my coworker and I out to her vehicle. My schedule has been changed so I leave before he has his appointment, so I don't have to see him.
I fucking hate this shit. I'm scheduling my work around this asshole. I'm worried if he'll follow me again after I leave work. And the worst part is he hasn't fucking done anything. I'm a grown ass woman, I should be able to confront him and tell him no. But I did, and he ignored it. And now I wonder if he'll follow me to and from my classes this fall, or if he'll corner me somewhere while I'm on campus. And maybe that time, I'll say no, and he'll ignore it again, and I'll get hurt. It fucking pisses me off but I'm also scared. I feel like I'm living in some kind of stupid fucking LMN movie and I hate that too because I hate how the women act on those shows.
So I guess this is a public service announcement. People, it doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl, if someone is harassing you, TELL SOMEONE. Your coworkers, your family, your friends, even better, the police. Even if they can't do anything, they can at least file it so its on record if it does escalate. And don't be afraid to say no. Its okay if you don't want to talk to someone. There's nothing wrong, its your right. It's your right to speak up.
If you're interested in someone and they tell you no, that DOES NOT mean come back later. It means NO. Don't be pushy. Don't corner them. If you have something to say, say it in front of their friends where they can feel safer. Otherwise, all you'll do is make them uncomfortable. If they still say no, its time to drop it. They're just not interested, and they might not ever be interested, and if you keep nagging, you'll turn into a stalker. And that's not cool.
I'd always thought that it wasn't that hard to report something. Its common sense. And at first I laughed about this and joked with my friends, and tried to be tough. But I'm scared. I worry about it whenever I come to campus. This asshole has taken my enjoyable job, and made me scared to go. I love my college, and he's made me scared to show up. And I hate that. And I hate myself for being scared. But if I let myself get mired in this knot of negative feelings, then he just controls everything, and eventually it'll blow up in my face.
So today when I'm done with work, I'm going back to public safety to report him again. And each time he shows up and bothers me, I'll keep telling people. Because if I don't, no one will know, and no one will be able to help and support me. And it doesn't mean I'm weak, and I am not paranoid for being scared and nervous and uncomfortable around someone who hasn't laid a finger on me. Because he has shown all the signs that if he gets the chance, he will put his hands on me and he won't stop when I say no.
Comments are screened so everyone can stay nice and anonymous, because believe me, I know now how hard it can be to speak up.