Extreme Guilt
It just washed over me. I was standing in the kitchen, my husband making potatoes and pork chops for dinner, and it hit me. It's my fault. It's my fault that I am not celebrating the 11th week of pregnancy today. It's my fault we're not starting to look at cribs, strollers and the like. My body failed me, but moreso I feel I failed my body.
When searching for information on when blood sugars should go back to normal after a miscarriage (assuming my risen blood sugars were hormonal, and not preexisting before the pregnancy) all that comes up is how diabetes can cause miscarriage. Mother's with high blood glucose levels are at super high risk for miscarriage. Women who are diabetic and don't plan their pregnancies are irresponsible.
I didn't know I had blood sugar problems, I didn't know it would cause issues with kids, if I did... Well I can't answer that. I just feel as though I have done something so terribly wrong.
All day today I planned how we're going to change our lives, we'll eat more natural and less processed foods, cut out all the nasty things, exercise more, reverse diabetes and try again. Then I saw the potatoes. I feel so guilty, my husband is doing his best to support me and this horrible event has brought us closer, I'm confident and always have been that we have an amazing relationship and nothing can shake us. I think we both have unhealthy relationships with food. We reward eachother with treats, when we should be losing weight and changing our lives.
Part of me thinks I should just give myself a break this week, I've been through hell... yet another part of me says "you stupid bitch, this is what CAUSED you not to be pregnant anymore, and if you want to try again you are putting off your efforts and thus, putting off being able to have kids for longer"
I'm hurting.
I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor next week. I'm worried about what he will say. Will he tell me we have to wait 6 months til I get my sugars in order? Are they already under tight enough control? I don't know what to expect, and I'm scared and worried. Despite all the supportive people in my life I feel so alone.
I almost made it through the day without crying - but I didn't. Does this mean i"m not even ready to try again? I know my body won't be ready for at least a month, but then what?
I so desperately want to give my husband a baby. We would be an awesome family.
When searching for information on when blood sugars should go back to normal after a miscarriage (assuming my risen blood sugars were hormonal, and not preexisting before the pregnancy) all that comes up is how diabetes can cause miscarriage. Mother's with high blood glucose levels are at super high risk for miscarriage. Women who are diabetic and don't plan their pregnancies are irresponsible.
I didn't know I had blood sugar problems, I didn't know it would cause issues with kids, if I did... Well I can't answer that. I just feel as though I have done something so terribly wrong.
All day today I planned how we're going to change our lives, we'll eat more natural and less processed foods, cut out all the nasty things, exercise more, reverse diabetes and try again. Then I saw the potatoes. I feel so guilty, my husband is doing his best to support me and this horrible event has brought us closer, I'm confident and always have been that we have an amazing relationship and nothing can shake us. I think we both have unhealthy relationships with food. We reward eachother with treats, when we should be losing weight and changing our lives.
Part of me thinks I should just give myself a break this week, I've been through hell... yet another part of me says "you stupid bitch, this is what CAUSED you not to be pregnant anymore, and if you want to try again you are putting off your efforts and thus, putting off being able to have kids for longer"
I'm hurting.
I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor next week. I'm worried about what he will say. Will he tell me we have to wait 6 months til I get my sugars in order? Are they already under tight enough control? I don't know what to expect, and I'm scared and worried. Despite all the supportive people in my life I feel so alone.
I almost made it through the day without crying - but I didn't. Does this mean i"m not even ready to try again? I know my body won't be ready for at least a month, but then what?
I so desperately want to give my husband a baby. We would be an awesome family.